Wednesday, July 5

Increasing shock value

I take the effort to sit through a Wimbledon semi-final and all I get is a naked cartwheel across the lawn? Something's got to be done about those male streakers. It used to be uproariously amusing when a random guy was allowed to run about a field naked for a good five minutes before being swept up by security like a baby in a giant swaddling cloth. But now we have reality shows, Myspace and Youtube, all of which have elevated naked entertainment to a higher plane.

So what say we put the clothes back on and think about disrupting sports matches in other ways. Often designer clothing can draw a great deal more attention than the nude form. For shock value you need look no further than the Spring-Summer 2007 men's collections.

Bright neon colours make a bigger impact than pasty flesh tones when you're dealing with a wide space like a football stadium. They're easier for audiences way up in the stands to spot and they show up better on the big screen. Pick a colour, any colour as long as it's one used in a Post-It Note pad.

This is a clever ensemble that offers a tantalizing glimpse of flesh but delivers much more. The secret is to stuff as much rubbish and recycled items down the front of the pants as possible. Once you have everybody's attention, simply undo the tie string and allow the junk to spill out, so to speak.

Spectators always fall for the old surly delivery man with a pizza box trick. Even security will be fooled into thinking that you're just trying to do your job and make sure the pizza doesn't end up being free. It is a getup that poses more questions than it answers, each more bewildering than the next. Is that anchovies I smell? Who pulled him by the scruff of his neck so hard that it permanently contorted his shirt? What kind of pizza company doesn't make their employees wear pants?

As you sprint into the fray sporting a pair of toned and freshly waxed legs , sexy flowing hair and short shorts, the crowd will cheer appreciatively in a manner only reserved for female streakers. Now imagine the gasps of horror when you turn your face and people discover you're just a desk-bound corporate serf who didn't have time to shave this week.

Nothing clears a sports venue faster than the sight of a pastel-suited beekeeper running about in circles. It can only mean that a killer swarm is not far behind.

If people knew that they would be seeing a zombie streaker in action, I guarantee you, the stands would be packed to the rafters. Cheering something on as it peels off its clothes, then the rotting flesh from its bones and then biting a player's head off is worth the price of admission alone.

Next update: Friday July 7


At 2:59 AM, Anonymous Alex said...

Hmm .. the pizza box is closed, but I think I can still see the linguica.

At 10:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Gah! Are these designers trying to sell anything? The beekeeper in drag is the only one who looks like the clothes fit. Please, please S.F., explain this to me.

At 12:11 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you for a much needed laugh this morning! I would so pay to see the zombie streaker.

At 1:26 PM, Blogger Jenn said...

You really should have disclaimers before putting up pictures like that.

I mean, that green suit almost made me barf a little in my mouth...


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