All this speculation is driving me crazy

In between the constant procreation and divorcing, we haven't had a big-ass celebrity wedding in a while. The leadup to any celebrity nuptials is always fraught with rumour, misinformation and plain untruths. Given that the media have been unable to unearth anything of substance thus far, I am compelled to publicise these juicy details so that they may be savoured like lip-smacking hors d'oeuvres before the main event.

Weather
While on a recent promotional trip to Shanghai, Nicole picked up a team of weather modifiers at the famous Xiang Yang market. Since arriving in Sydney the team has been working round the clock to ensure that there will be clear skies on the all important day.

Cake
Master artisans have crafted a tall multi-layered cake in a pale pastel pink, generally resembling Nicole in the Chanel couture gown she wore for the 2002 Oscars.

Dress
We have seen the frightening speed with which "formal" shorts have established themselves as a red carpet fixture. The bride will take this one step further by incorporating a pair in her wedding gown. This will cement Nicole's status as one of cinema's leading fashion icons and cause fashion commentators to marvel at her ability to perfect the whole classic style with a modern twist look. However she will keep people guessing by only deciding at the last minute whether to wear the shorts with bare legs or under a layer of chiffon.


Menu
As Nicole is a fussy eater, the menu has been painstakingly crafted to accommodate her delicate tastes. Guests are rumoured to be in for a special high-protein treat as Australian customs have confirmed larger than normal deliveries of surplus whale meat from Japan into Sydney.

Videography
The ceremony and reception will be filmed by Baz Luhrmann. There will be several lavish musical numbers and the public can expect to view the entire spectacle when it is released in theatres early next year, competing headon with the JJ Abrams-directed Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes wedding.

Hair
It is most likely that the bride will choose a classic updo, with curls cascading down the back for a soft and romantic look. The groom will keep it simple with sleek hair cut into long layers and highlighted in cream and honey blonde a la Jennifer Aniston on her wedding day.

Honeymoon
The happy couple have reportedly booked out the Wakaya Club Resort in Fiji for their weeklong honeymoon. Incidentally this is also the same place where Tori Spelling got married for the second time. Staff at the Wakaya Club Resort have said that despite Nicole's A-list status, she should not expect extra-special star treatment because unlike Tori, her father was not responsible for some of the greatest shows ever to grace television screens.

The vows
While it is not clear whether Keith will be using the lyrics of one of his country ballads in his vows, Nicole will be taking a more pragmatic approach:
I, Nicole Mary Kidman, take thee, Keith "not Karl" Urban
To be my lawfully wedded husband
secure in the knowledge that
you will not succumb to drugs and booze again
for fear of being penalised by our watertight prenup
in the presence of God and more importantly all these celebrities
to stay by your side as your wife
in thinness and in pallor
in shininess as well as icy aloofness
through the good times and the not-so-bad
I promise to stop giving inane interviews professing that "I still love Tom"
trim your hair when it grows past shoulder length
make this marriage last longer than Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney's
have your baby and stop acknowledging that Isabella and Conor exist
encourage you to continue liking women instead of men
joke with you about not being able to wear high heels
be open and honest with you about what really went on inside the Co$
and cherish you until adultery do us part.