Wednesday, June 14

What to get for Celebrity Father's Day

I've been giving this some thought and you know what? I do believe I deserve something special like a brand new motorcycle, a helicopter or even a personality. Mad, Zahara and Shiloh can make the money easily by selling photos of themselves. Think about it - I've given my kids, even the adopted ones, some very valuable genes that you can't just show your appreciation for with a lousy pair of socks or a novelty tie.

Hmmm I guess I could use one of those stylish new iPods fitted out with all the latest accessories. It could come in handy when I go jogging in my boxers and especially when I need to drown out the sounds of the girlfriend and the ex-wife start bickering over me.

Look I don't want to turn this into some huge media circus. We're just going to take the kids out and do the things that all traditional nuclear families do, like kick the ball around and perform deathdefying stunts around the barbecue grill. And if there are any paparazzi which happen to be present, it'll make a great photo-op. It would also make my day if some people would stop fussing over the fine print and just sign the damn prenup already.

Oh the usual. Breakfast in bed, with five barely legal hookers and obscene amounts of cocaine. Who's your daddy? *leer*

I'm a simple man with an awesome heart so I think a card would do just fine. But just make sure to slip some cash in it. Nothing fancy, just a couple of hundred grand because I never know where I end up sleeping these days and I need the money for smokes, beer and recording my sorry excuse for an album.

I don't expect much from little Kal-El because he's only young. All I ask is for him to live up to his name by picking up a car with one hand, outrunning a speeding train or saving another baby from another burning building. Come on, just one display of superhuman strength for Daddy!

OK Paris and Prince Michael, this Father's Day I'm going to need for you to steal those secret court papers that claim that I'm not your biological father. When you've done that then you have to remove your veils and undergo drastic plastic surgery to show the court that you've inherited my delicate features. Then we can all live together as one happy family in a foreign country that has lots of orphanages.

I don't know if Violet can do anything about this but I would like for my name to stop being bandied about everytime there's rumour of a preposterous movie remake. I mean, Magnum PI, Star Trek, Casablanca, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid...that's just ridiculous. I was at one time a bankable actor you know. Oh and some new hairplugs would be nice. My current ones are giving me the worst migraines.

Another blog to visit: Ruby red - An idiot sammich in the picnic of life.


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