Everything is bigger in China

So this is what it means when the newspapers say that China has a big shoe industry. I'm pretty sure that it's cornered the market on big shoes so much so that the Abominable Snowman doesn't shop anywhere else.


When not in use, it can be rented out to the old woman and her brood of hyperactive children. Who knew that Mother Goose would be an economic saviour in a time of overpriced housing markets.

Clearly everything made in China is predicted to grow at the same rate as the country's GDP, leaving the rest of the world looking positively lilliputian by comparison. There have already been several audacious attempts to outsupersize the typical American helping.


For example, in some places, dessert is a townwide affair. Here the dessert in question is the traditional rice pudding - but why are people just standing around contemplating its incandescent deliciousness? Perhaps it's actually being used as a safety trampoline to entice a suicidal businessman to jump off from a ledge 50 feet above. All I know is that it's sweet and sticky and diving into it would feel like a Ghostbuster getting slimed.


If your tastes run more to the Western, then you're in luck because cakes in China now come readymade to serve 10,000 people. This is the sort of cake that solves problems. This is the sort of cake you order when you have no idea how many relatives your parents invited to your wedding reception. This is the sort of cake you wheel out for the revolutionaries so they won't stick your head on a pike after hearing you imperiously proclaim "let them eat cake".

And finally, for those who can't get enough processed meat in their diet.



Rumours are flying thick and fast about a world record but I won't believe it until I see it. They'd better start cracking on their application to the Guinness Book of Records before someone comes along with a toasted hotdog roll and a bucketful of relish. For now, it will have to remain locked in its metal casing and under tight security. This is exactly the sort of thing you don't want to land in the hands of the adult entertainment industry.