Wealth and progress

I dread the day when we run out of things to stick diamonds on. Whatever will rich folk buy for amusement then? I shall be monitoring the situation closely because we must constantly push ourselves to scale new heights in luxury. This is how progress is measured.

Diamond phone

$1 million and 120 carats. That is all you really need to know. This is one phone you don't want to be leaving behind in a nightclub. You'd call the number and the person who found it would ask if you also had Michael Jackson's glove to go with it. The special edition La Million de la Nuit is produced by Goldvish (www.goldvish.com), a luxury communication goods company. I can't believe they can build a whole industry around luxury communications without paying close attention to basic elements like size and shape. Sure it's devastatingly sparkly but it looks unwieldier than an illegal replica of a Star Trek blade. "Swiss excellence" - Bah!

Diamond car

Really, there has to be a more effective way to launder conflict diamonds. Normally you'd just make a p0rn film and pay the cast and crew in precious gems. Instead you've now got a car that you can't park on the road or you can't trust with the valet. Plus, you've totally taken the attention away from your kickass fur-trimmed seats. The only thing that could possibly save this failed purchase is if it had inbuilt crime-fighting capabilities and had its synthesized voice set to a gangsta accent.

Budget option

She may only be speckled with Swarovski crystals but there are 1 million of them (starting price at 1 Euro each) and we're not moving them off her body fast enough. When I last checked, the people of Hong Kong had bought close to 70, which is surprisingly low because I thought there would have been more erotic art enthusiasts here. You can do your bit as well by purchasing a single crystal, or if you are a person of considerable financial means, buying enough to start your own little Swarovski stockpile. Better still, buy up all the rest of the crystals together with the model herself. I'm sure she'll appreciate not having to stand around for the next few months waiting for a bidding war to erupt over the last crucial stones encrusting her ladybits.