Friday, May 5

Let us help you help yourself

What would go down at an intervention for self-destructive wild child Lindsay Lohan

Sorry we lied to you. This isn't really a gathering of random people to celebrate your return to being a redhead. Lindsay, we've called you here today because we are very concerned about you.

TARA: For starters we think your partying is out of control. Don't deny it. We know you're out every night, getting wasted at any club that will let you in and making a spectacle of yourself. We've seen the pictures, along with everyone else who's ever logged on to the internet. Please take a look at them and see the depths to which you have sunk.

TERI: Not to mention what it's doing to your complexion. It looks terrible. But it's not too late to get treatment. I'll be with you every step of the way. If you don't get help, you'll wake up one day and bam! realise that you've used up the world's supply of makeup and airbrushing.

NICOLE: I want to address the whole "is she or isn't she" weight issue. I remember how fresh and healthy you looked when you started out. Now you're just a bag of bones. When was the last time you were photographed eating? I'm not just going to stand here and let you wither away like that. Eat something dammit! *cries*

PETE: Let's not beat around the bush here. I want to talk about the drug rumours. I can help you Lindsay. I don't want to see you laid out on some filthy toilet floor with a needle sticking out of your arm. Or worse still, having to dress up for court every week. Think about all the impressionable girls who now think that it's cool to be a crackhead because of your antics. No more half-ass attempts at rehab. You've become a bad influence on Kate, and until you kick the habit properly, I don't think you two should hang out anymore.

PARIS: Don't get me wrong Lindz, I think you're a wonderful person but you're getting a reputation for being quite the slut. The way you just hop from guy to guy like they're food stations at a buffet banquet. Sleeping around is not sexy and it's not hot. If you don't respect yourself, how can you expect the rest of us to do the same?

ELTON: It's sad to see how your lifestyle is affecting your relationships with other people. Look at all these silly little feuds you've started with your erratic behaviour. It's not ok to spout off juvenile insults about your celebrity brethren even if they are probably true. You just come off looking like a tired diva who needs a hobby like gardening or something.

BRITNEY: Not everyone in your life cares about you as much as we do. Some of your so-called friends are no more than despicable hangers on seeking to ride the coattails of your fame and money. They might be fun to do tequila shots or have casual unprotected sex with but you can't rely on them when it counts. They won't be there for you when you take a tumble out of the high chair. Take a good look around, it's pretty obvious who they are and you need to dump them pronto.

EVA: You could really do with some time away from the limelight. Go on take a break, lay low for a while. You need it after all the non-stop publicity you've been getting. Every premiere, every talkshow, every magazine cover, there you are. People have started groaning and rolling their eyes everytime your name comes up in conversation. Admit it, you're overexposed. Sooner or later the public is going to get sick of you and forget why you were even famous in the first place.

SHARON: Lindsay darling, you're an absolute mess! But forget about dealing with all the personal crap, you're neglecting the most important thing in your life - your career. I worry about what direction you're heading in. You need to start thinking about riskier roles. Films that will challenge your abilities and make moviegoers see you in a totally different light. You don't just want to be known for one movie that you did hundreds of years ago. That would be just pathetic.

Another blog to visit: Chief Ten Bears - I mostly make these wooden bears. Other times find me shooting wedding videos, chopping firewood, and balancing the company book-keeping. I spastically shout 'mazletov' whenever glass is breaking nearby. I'm a non-skier living in a ski resort... and I love bears more than they will ever know.


At 3:25 AM, Anonymous beautifulatrocities said...

With friends like these, at least Lindsay has a stable, sane family she can fall back on

At 9:57 AM, Anonymous Ellie said...

Sharon Stone = Queen of the Damned

At 2:04 AM, Anonymous Kotiks said...

little bit cynic

At 12:02 PM, Blogger Adalmin said...

You should put Arnold Schwarzenegger in it and make a crack about, oh, I don't know. But Arnie is funny.

At 8:48 AM, Blogger stilt said...

That california sun has done wonders for your comlpexion, and your snark. One of the best posts ever!

At 1:58 PM, Blogger Neto said...

hahahaha, excelent post, i wish celebrities mentioned in it would take SOME time to actually read it an realize a couple of things they need to realize...


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