Thursday, April 13

Never skimp on food

Allow me to slip on my form-fitting gold vinyl bunny suit and wish you Happy Easter! Not everyone is a fan of Christianity but there's no denying Jesus performed the ultimate act of heroism by dying for our sins, bequeathing us a really long weekend in the process. So much of the quality of this festival depends on the quality of the food that gets churned out every year - the hot cross buns, the chocolate, the candy, the cakes..and because it's a HOLIDAY I don't have to eat them hunched over my workdesk like a wizened ape trying to stop crumbs from spilling all over the keyboard. All I have to do is pop the top button on my jeans and spend the next four days on the couch in a continual snack loop, moving only for bowel and bladder reasons.

As the very wealthy will tell you, never skimp on food. Caviar? Only the very best. Truffles? Let's see what the pigs dragged in today. Foie gras? Use it in place of butter. If you're not already living a life of shameless excess then you probably need to take a step back and reassess your lifestyle. Some suggestions, gleaned from recent offerings, follow.

The Macdonald sandwich costs $148 making it the world's most expensive sandwich. Sold at Selfridges in London, it contains Wagyu beef, fresh lobe foie gras, black truffle mayonnaise, brie de meaux, rocket, red pepper and mustard confit and English plum tomatoes. However it is not as high class as you would think because there are no diamonds embedded in the bread. It is essentially a fancy-sounding beef salad sammich without the free fries and drink. Sandwiches that aren't sold by the end of the day will be distributed to homeless people who have developed a taste for succulent Japanese cattle.

That's more like it, the Diamond Stella Egg is covered with 100 half-carat diamonds and valued at $87,500. Instead of being glued on, chocolate artisans dropped a bunch of diamonds into the melting vat and hoped for the best. The resulting egg is bigger than my head but contains much much more like peach and apricot chocolates and pralines. I'm not one to talk but some say it can even be used as a fake pregnant belly.

Wash your meal down with the $1000 mint julep (found on the FTOTZ). Mint from Morocco, ice from the Arctic Circle and sugar from the South charmingly diverse, even more so than the Jolie-Pitt family! The souvenir gold cup and silver straw make a valuable addition to, or a good starting point for accumulating, the family silver. Proceeds go to help retired racehorses, a far more deserving group than say retired celebrities who come out of retirement whenever the coke money runs out.

Finally, if you're preparing for the arrival of the Easter Rabbit this year, make sure that your ladder is amply stocked with festive treats. Don't hold out on him because I hear he has a tendency to treat people's gardens as his personal buffet table.


At 7:52 AM, Blogger Alex said...

dear lord... WHERE did you get the last picture?

At 6:33 AM, Blogger drink some peach melba said...

Happy Easter!!!!i love your blog! this post is so hilarious...well, i like good food too, but this is really pushing it. haha

At 12:37 PM, Anonymous jenny said...

Holy cow! That rabbit looks just like something from one of those goofy postcards with gigantuous ears of corn, or trout the size of an SUV. Just print "We grow 'em big here in INDIANA!" across the bottom and you're good to go...


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