Friday, April 7

The Best Man Speech at a Soap Opera Wedding

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. For those of you who don't know me, my name is Colt and I'm Steele's younger brother and best man. To tell the truth Steele is actually the product of our mother's affair with my uncle, making Steele my half-brother and possibly my cousin assuming that my uncle is really my dad's brother because you never quite know what's happening with this family. Since I had already prepared the speech and everything, we thought it would be best to proceed as originally planned. But how this will alter the split of the massive wealth we stand to inherit and the dynamics in our family empire remains to be seen.

Enough about me, let's get onto celebrating the love between Cherish and Steele which is why we're all here today. I think you'd all agree that it was a great service this morning. Indeed it's been a while since we've all been to a wedding without incident. Special mention should go to the bridesmaids who all look lovely and are only outshone by the lovely bride Cherish. I'd also like to thank guests who have travelled from distant places such as Moldavia to join this happy event.

Cherish and Steele have known each other ever since they were children. As they grew up watching their fathers trying to takeover each other's company, their forced rivalry blossomed into love. However despite their deep feelings for one another they never really got together until much later on because the timing was never right. Whenever Cherish was single, Steele would already be in a relationship and whenever Steele was available, Cherish would either too busy dating or being stalked by another guy.

Finally destiny prevailed and at the end of Season 3 they shared their first kiss. Like any couple, they've had to go through some rough patches to test their commitment to each other. The parents were understandably upset at first given their age-old enmity. Our stepmother Montana, in particular, who is also Steele's ex-wife (try not to think about it too much or your head will explode) didn't take the news too well. *chuckle* Some of you may fondly remember Montana's more elaborate schemes like the kidnapping plot and the part where she tried to electrocute Cherish in her own jacuzzi.

When Steele finally proposed to Cherish, everyone breathed a huge sigh of relief that their on-off relationship would be resolved once and for all. They had broken up so many times by then that I even took the opportunity to have a brief affair with Cherish during one of these timeouts. However we ended our relationship amicably because anyone can see that Cherish and Steele are meant for each other. Besides, I do a good job of bottling up my residual feelings for her.

As far as marriage advice goes, I don't think I'm qualified to give any since my last wife Paisley was sleeping around and I accidentally killed her by pushing her down the stairs during a vicious struggle for the tv remote. Both Cherish and Steele have been both married before, but this time promises to be different. All the backstabbing, lies, betrayals and stolen babies are entirely things of the past.

If Steele can survive being shot point blank in the chest, like what happened at the end of Season 4, then he'll surely be able to handle marriage. What a cliffhanger that shooting was! We had to wait for three months to find out who did it. Even Cherish was a suspect even though she had temporarily left Port Sunshine on little yacht bound for a summer of self-discovery in Paris. I was kind of worried that Cherish would come back a different person but thankfully that didn't happen.

In Cherish, Steele has found someone who will make not only a good wife but a good mother to his son who was fathered illegitimately with a runaway golddigger from the poor part of town. Steele Jr's real mother Billie-Jo-Lee is actually here today as one of the radiant bridesmaids but the doctors have only given her weeks to live.

At this point, it's customary for the best man's speech to veer into a short history lesson. Interestingly enough on this day, two years ago, Cherish's family home burnt down while the family was celebrating her miraculous remission after a tumour the size of a basketball was found in her brain. When we found what appeared to be her body in the charred wreckage we assumed that was the end of her. Many of you would also have attended her funeral, where I gave a stirring eulogy that was similar to this speech. Needless to say, Cherish escaped alive but it was some months before Steele could reunite with his love because of her temporary amnesia which led her to hide out in a remote log cabin and hook up with a crazy mountain man.

I started planning this speech many months ago, and you must feel like I have been delivering it equally as long, but now it gives me immense pleasure, not to mention relief, to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast...oh my god...the Moldavians have guns.... everybody on the floor now! Don't shoot! Don't shoot! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!


At 11:21 AM, Anonymous tuppence said...

loved it, as absurd as it sounds, I actually want to watch the show

At 5:41 AM, Blogger Scarpediem said...

I've always been of the opinion that Moldavians make terrible wedding guests.

At 7:23 AM, Blogger CardboardDreamer said...

Lol. Brilliant. I love your blog!

At 10:08 AM, Blogger Burnt Karma said...

The poor, blighted people of Moldavia. They're more gunshy than the Kennedy clan, and can't get a vote at Eurovision either.

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