If the shoe fits wear it on your head

Oooohhh I've had it up to *here* with all my friggin' hats. They are way more trouble than they're worth. I've got half a mind to stack them on top of another jenga-style and revel in delight when they collapse.


One of my biggest problems has been finding the right fit. Either they're too big to start off with, leaving you floundering about like a kitten with a soup bowl on its head, but once you pop them in the wash they come out barely able to cover your crown.


And by the end of the day, it usually ends up sliding right down onto your face and making a huge mess. Why abide with that sort of nuisance when I already have cheap mascara and foundation to do that for me.

Knowing too well these problems that have plagued hat-wearers, designers have come up with some convenient alternatives.


Left to right: An expensive-looking too-good-to-be-worn shoe that also gives the impression that you like being stepped on; Gargantuan mutant rose, nourished on the flesh of hobos who wander onto the garden in search of a place to nap


Left to right: Paper bag in a neutral shade for those "ugly" days; Tribute to the most diligent member of the Addams Family, also converts into a handy backscratcher


Left to right: Teddy bear or other cute plush toy, ripped from the hands of a screaming toddler; A weighty tome to give the appearance of high intellect when it is actually a Dan Brown made-for-movie novel in hard cover.


Left to right: Aluminium foil in sufficient quantity to deflect mind control rays; Quill pen set, historically worn by Victorian-age geeks before pocket protectors were invented.