Whatever goes on the models stays on

Whoa there, somebody FedEx a crate of Hollywood tape over to Bombay before people start getting arrested! A word of caution to budding designers - when you find that Tara Reid is becoming your muse, you better start rethinking your collection or it's going to end up looking dated, tired, worn and pathetic.

Those Indian fashion designers could learn a thing or to from their Eastern friends about keeping it all together. They run a tight ship over in Beijing and nothing hits the runway unless it's fully secured.


Avoid disaster with the prudent use of two straps. Wearing strapless outfits are akin to leaving the gate open at a mental institution. Before long the crazy inmates will spill out chaotically into the public domain, causing people on the streets to be mildly aghast and not know where they're supposed to look.


All headgear should be tied securely to your face to stymie errant gusts of wind. Scared the wind will also blow your panties off? Lock them up behind a heavy duty grill as you would your virgin daughter.


The smart way of accessorising with super long bead necklaces is to wear them short. Otherwise you'll end up tripping and making the beads scatter everywhere, ruining a pretty necklace but not before dislocating your neck.


When in doubt bolt that monocle to your helmet. That way you can have a crystal clear view of the battle and notice that 10,000 pound elephant charging in your direction before it's too late.


*Sigh* If you really have your mind set on parading around in a skimpy bra top with little means of support, then there's nothing anyone else can do about it other than recommend that you have a pair of emergency ta-ta covers handy when the inevitable strikes.


It pays to wear two sets of underpants in case one fails to do the job of fencing in your genitalia properly. I'd be careful around pranksters though unless you want to experience the sublime sensation of having your pants pulled down and an atomic wedgie at the same time.

Another blog to visit: malefactor - Pornokarma on the ground in NYC