Say it with a ring
Do you have something difficult to tell your petit cherie? A relationship is hard enough as it is without you blundering around inarticulately, struggling to get your message across. Instead say it with a ring from Dior Joaillerie. Everything is that much better with jewellery.
No intention of settling down with her but unwilling to give up the home-cooked meals and sex? Commitment-phobes, take heed, this is the essential ring to deal with those annoying little hints she keeps dropping about your future together.
It says: "There's too much happening in my life at the moment, so all I can offer for now is this messed up ring as a symbol of how grotesquely complicated things are between us in the present time. If you play your cards right and stick around I might just take it back and upgrade it to a classic diamond solitaire, or a state-of-the art freestanding range cooker, one day."
So you made a mistake and she really was the one who got away. Prepare to plead and grovel for a second chance at true love but don't do it empty-handed.
It says: I still love you so much that not only does my heart bleeds for you but if you count the number of diamonds on that thing, you'll see that my wallet also bleeds for you.
These past few weeks were fantastic but your other mistress, the ocean, calls and you must take your leave of the saucy wench gently stirring beside you. Before slipping noiselessly out the door with your thumping wooden peg leg and squawking parrot in tow, leave a plundered trinket for her to remember you by. Who knows when the fair winds will bring the dreaded sails of the Dastardly Bling towards this port again?
You can apologise until you're blue in the face but words don't cut it when an STD was involved. Reassure her that you've cleaned up your act with this striking bauble.
It says: Baby, I really really didn't mean to give you that rash. Believe me, I would have worn a condom if she wasn't on the pill. But all that's in the past and from now on I'm going to need for you to wear this. Whenever I see you with that on, I'm going to remember how the disease ravaged my nether regions and keep it all zipped in.
You've been going out for over a year now, but there's still a few things she doesn't know about you. Like the fact that you happen to be walk among the undead. She's a pretty one but a tad unobservant. How could she not have noticed the lack of mirrors, the coffin bed and the vials of blood in the fridge. Slip the ring on her finger, bare your fangs and ask her to join you in an eternal journey into the darkness. If she still doesn't get it, she never will.