Wednesday, June 28

Discovering new horizons

Did you know that more than 70% of the world is covered in water? This means plenty of opportunities for scuba diving, snorkelling and last but not least naval exploration! What a great opportunity for the modern man to trace the great voyages of his intrepid forebearers only now, he can do it in his favourite designer clothes from Milan!

Before you start your mammoth expedition, you will need to find funding from deep-pocketed sources, just like in the old days. You can't just buy magnificent vessels and skilled crews on the cheap from craigslist you know! Whether it's your parents or sugar mummy/daddy or some other person who you're trying to mooch off, be sure to show up looking your most professional. The hat should be at the right angle, the tie looking sharp and your blazer must be pristine and crisp, like the hefty cheques your benefactor should be writing out in your name.

Time to leave the dock for some serious circumnavigation! Prepare to set sail in a white suit that's calming but dignified enough for a man on an important mission, one even more important than being groom at a beach wedding.

These structured pyjamas are perfect for nightly walks about the deck. Following which, you can retire to your cabin with a sextant and a good travel guidebook or even better, a DVD which relives the entire first season of Lost.

No legendary voyage would be complete without an encounter with the scourge of the high seas, those dreaded pirates who are far more dangerous than the ones peddling counterfeit luxury goods in a side lane. Put on your fancy eyepatch (the one that converts into a lip gloss compact with mirror), chunky belt with the cute seahorses on it and floral sarong and show them who's man!

You can never pack too many of these billowing shirts and comfy breeches, even if it means using up precious cargo space devoted to oranges and lemons. Scurvy be damned, at least the long sleeves and pants will cover up any body sores.

At long last, land is ahoy in all its glory! No more shuffleboard! But what to wear to meet the natives? The best advice is to play it casual so you don't intimidate them into skewering you like an olive with pimento filling, but slightly dressy so these savages know they're dealing with someone who appreciates the cut of a well-tailored jacket.

As for the natives, there is precious little for them to do other than stand back and accept the inevitability that they're about to be colonised by a group of strangers with a refined sense of style. All they can hope for is that their new masters come bearing gifts of 5th generation iPods.

Next update: Friday June 30


At 12:39 AM, Blogger Adalmin said...

That just has to be Galliano. The damn midget pirate is still rocking that look.

At 8:56 AM, Blogger john_m_burt said...

That pentagonal backpack is just the thing to wear to the premier of "Superman Returns".

At 9:00 AM, Blogger sfmike said...

"The New World," indeed. Those are some scary clothes.

At 12:18 PM, Anonymous Planetofapes said...

Gay - Savile Row - Pirate
Strangely enough, I like it!


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