Deceptively simple revenge ideas from Martha Stewart Living

Vandalising cars
Damaging somebody's car is a good way of causing inconvenience and mild distress. This is best done when the car is in a stationary position. If your enemy has more than one car, start with the most expensive looking one and work your way downwards.

Press a sharp key firmly against one of the car doors until you have scratched beneath the paint. Keeping the key pressed down, scratch the entire length of the vehicle. Use a straight ruler to maintain a neat line. Measure the position of the first scratch and repeat for the other side making sure that both scratches are at the same height. If you have time, let out one of the tires.

Hate bouquet
Flowers convey many meanings, but unfortunately most of them are positive. Here's how to turn a box of roses into a nasty surprise. Gather one dozen fresh-cut long-stemmed roses from your garden. Lightly spray the roses with black matte paint. Leave to dry for 3 hours and spray with sealant.

Clip the roses to 18 inches and tie together with barbed wire. Decorate the inside of a box with a dead rat (it should be dead for no more than 1 week) and its droppings. Complete with a f**k you note elegantly engraved on high-quality heavyweight card stock.

Public restroom graffiti
Carefully designed graffiti draws attention to your message and can increase the aesthetic value of a public area. A few simple steps will let you defame your enemy without spending more time in a sleazy toilet than is necessary.

Create a stencil, in the same size as a bathroom tile, containing your enemy's details including name, address and number. Include a comment about their apparent homosexuality or sexual inadequacy. Prepare the tile you have chosen by cleaning it with tile conditioner. Apply adhesive to the back of the stencil and place it firmly on the tile.

Using a sponge brush, apply an even, opaque coat of enamel paint over the stencil. You can use different colours for different sections. Remove the stencil after painting. Allow to dry and use sealer to stop the paint from fading.

Lawn Destruction
For many people, their garden brings them a sense of pride and achievement. In this case obliterating their lawn can be particularly satisfying. It is recommended that the vindictive act be done under the cover of night.

You will need 20 gallons of extra concentrated weedkiller and sturdy garden stakes. Arrange the stakes in the ground to spell out your favourite four-letter dirty word. Position each letter 30 inches apart. For maximum effect use caps instead of lower case. Carefully pour the weedkiller within the perimeter of the stakes. Remove the stakes and return in the early morning to admire your handiwork.

Photoshopped fliers
In this day and age, people will believe anything bad they hear about somebody. Learn how to spread scandalous and mean-spirited rumours with some basic craft skills. I used this to great effect on my ex-longtime friend Donald Trump.

Start by building up a collection of high-quality images of your nemesis. You will then need a program called Photoshop or some other image application editor. Using this software, pick one of the images and attach the head onto various scenes depicting deviant acts of sexual gratification. Download our animal template or create your own. Take care to clear up any obvious signs of manipulation. Colour print the images and embellish with warnings about previous convictions. Distribute in mailboxes and post as fliers around the neighbourhood.