Tuesday, December 7

Iron Bulge

Christmas cardwatch update: Hey lads and ladettes, there's no such thing as a free lunch but there is such thing as a free Christmas card. Get your free festive postcard featuring Cherry Orchard. Candy cane, a Santa outfit and the sort of thing that would make baby Chekhov cry.

On rare occasions, people who read this blog also write in asking for fashion advice. I would publish some of this mail but it might be embarrassing for the writer, especially the person who wanted to know whether it was ok to wear something like this to their grandmother's funeral because Grandma was a Titanic survivor and loved that song My Heart will Go On.

During mating season, I tend get mail from guys asking how to dress to impress. There are many reality makeover shows and books that show you how to do this already, so I'm not going to reinvent the wheel. What I do tell them however, is that true sexiness comes from the inside, not the outside. More precisely, what is inside the clothes.

At this point I usually put forward the Bulge for consideration, because as the tagline says, when you look like a stud, you feel like a stud. By the way the same applies when you substitute the word stud for slut. Yeah, I'm talking to you Mrs Ice-T.

Imagine a guy wearing the Bulge who brings a girl wearing silicone bra inserts back to his place. Wouldn't want to be in the same room with them when the time comes for the great reveal. It would be like the owl and the pussycat meeting each other for the first time outside of an internet chatroom:
PUSSYCAT: You're not a cat?!? I thought you said you liked to eat rats!
OWL: What you think you cats have exclusivity on eating small rodents? You're not even a bird! Yet you told me that you were a hot chick.
OWL: Obviously.
PUSSYCAT: Obviously.
*awkward silence*
OWL: Well I paid good money for this pea-green boat.
PUSSYCAT: Sorry I don't date outside my species.
OWL: Just get in the goddamn boat. Please?
PUSSYCAT: *sigh* OK just this once. Quit with the hovering will ya, it's freakin' me out here.

Only time will tell whether this glorified codpiece becomes so popular that when we refer to The Bulge, everybody understands it to mean the fashion accessory and not the Battle. Oh, and if you are expecting to do some heavy duty pulling (pun very much intended) then you might want to get in some Iron Crotch Power Practice.

UPDATE: Spirit Fingers is nominated the Best Asian Newcomer 2004 and Funniest Blog categories of the Asia Blog Awards (voting is only allowed once per day). Vote Spirit Fingers - supporting studs since forever.


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