Greeting cards

After much due consideration my Xmas card list has been finalised. There were some new additions but unfortunately some people did not make the final cut. I can't remember what they did to displease me but it must have been pretty serious, like wearing lace up espadrille wedge sandals.

For any of my real life friends who are reading this, I am hoping to send out all my Xmas cards next week. I've even modified the standard Have a Merry Xmas and a Happy New Year greeting slightly to show how special you are to me. Those of you who have been extra nice to me in the past (eg donated a kidney) might get a little something to go with your card. Just don't expect it to be underwear because I don't know any of your sizes, and that can only be a good thing. If you don't receive anything at all, then you should probably look into getting some new shoes.

However I think we need to move away from the whole card-giving thing as a sweet gesture. For example, on my birthday I don't want a bulky card which opens up to reveal, instead of a bulky red packet stuffed with hard currency, a garish pop-up cake with some Yanni-style lights and music accompaniment. What I really really want is a Swedish Mafia t shirt or a Please Touch My Monkey t shirt. All these things and more!

When it comes to conveying positive thoughts, most cards sound trite and insincere. Especially when it contains a poem that struggles to find a word meaning happy and rhyming with appendectomy. On the other hand, negative thoughts like You Suck! are always meant sincerely. Therefore greeting cards should serve the same function in daily social situations as cards do in soccer. To berate, to lecture, to scold...to deliver a kick up somebody's pants without having to wipe down one's shoes afterwards:
1. Movie Manners Courtesy Cards
2. Urban asshole notification cards
3. Road Rage cards