Tuesday, January 11

Heidi Klum Juggernaut



Belated congratulations to Heidi Klum for getting engaged to Seal, a man of overly long sentences and too many prepositions.
"I proposed on Dec. 23 at 14,000 feet in Whistler, B.C., in uncharted terrain on a glacier, in a natural snow cave, in an igloo built just for the moment," Seal tells PEOPLE magazine.

While she prepares for marital bliss, the Heidi Klum promotional juggernaut continues to steamroll its way across the Forbes Celebrity 100 list. Recognising that there are people out there who want to succeed in life (and not aim for somewhere around the middle the way I usually do), Heidi published a self-help book last year called Heidi Klum's Body of Knowledge.

There are over 400 high quality photographs that can be categorised in 2 categories: with underwear and without underwear. But the book is more than an extended Sports Illustrated calendar, because Heidi has something she wants to say to ordinary folk like us. Here's an excerpt:

See Heidi. See Heidi pose. Heidi is working it. Go, Heidi, go.
Here is Heidi. Here are Heidi's boobs. Here are Heidi's boobs again. And again.

See Heidi run. Heidi running in shoes. BUY Heidi's shoes.

Heidi smells nice. Because Heidi wears perfume. BUY Heidi Klum Perfume. Oh look, shower gel and body lotion too. BUY everything. BUY it all.

Diamonds are pretty. Heidi is pretty. You can be pretty. BUY 18kt white gold and diamond bracelet from The Heidi Klum Collection. Pretty diamonds, pretty Heidi and pretty you.

Heidi eats candies. A lot. But Heidi stays slim. So so slim. BUY Heidi's candies. Bulk discount available.

Turn tv on. I can't see Heidi. Where is she? Heidi's on cable, stupid. Subscribe to BravoTV. Watch Heidi's show.

Help Heidi grow. Help Heidi grow into multimillion dollar empire. "Thanks," says Heidi. Heidi is rich! Thanks, suckers, thanks.

7 Comments:

At 4:01 AM, Blogger Jon said...

I'm so out out touch with all the celeb gossip. Is Seal the father of her baby? Is this marriage going to last? Will he get fed up at being Mr Heidi Klum?

 
At 5:44 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Answers... No, no, and yes.

Nice "Dick and Jane" book "you" "wrote," Heidi.

 
At 9:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do you think a guy who proposes to an uber-blond
on a glacier,
in a snow cave,
in an igloo
might have a race issue?

 
At 1:17 PM, Blogger Mariposa said...

LMFAO! You kill me! I love your site. I read it daily, even though I rarely "delurk".
Thanks for putting me on your site. I feel honored. You rock.

"You rock on a glacier at 14,000 feet while being funny and showing scary pictures of that scary assed couple."

I wonder what it's like to stare at Seals scary Seal Scars when they make love? EWW GOD! I JUST SCARED MYSELF.

 
At 1:43 PM, Blogger Spirit Fingers said...

Thanks Mariposa, delurkers unite!
Seal used to be with Tyra Banks so I doubt he has a race issue, he's just a modelizer.
Jon, Heidi's daughter (Leni) was fathered by fifty-something Formula One boss Flavio Briatore who also dated Naomi Campbell and Nicole Kidman. It all makes my head spin sometimes.

 
At 9:19 PM, Blogger j-a said...

oh my. never thought those two would get married. and yes people stop buying junk to make celebs rich and mind your own business...

 
At 2:06 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i am heidi
i am rich
you arent heidi
you wish you were me

 

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