Wednesday, January 19

Street Hustlers

Nowadays it's impossible to get from Point A to Point B without being hustled. Today I tried going the long way to avoid getting papercuts from pamphlet thrusters. But I was swooped on by property agents in identical black suits, buzzcuts and square-rimmed glasses. These magpies were on a mission to find me luxury accommodation with water views. Do I look like I can afford a condo? I can barely scrape together this month's rent after having spent most of it on half-price Prada shoes. So I flailed around, doing my best Tippi Hedren impression until they returned to their ominous roostings.

On the next block, I was accosted by a group of teens in identical shellsuits. One of them cutely implored me to sign up for a laser/liposculpting/lifting of droopy bits package. I was running late otherwise I would have hiked up my skirt and ordered Little Miss Impudence to acknowledge the tautness of my rump. Combined with the noise from the giant tv screens overhead and the smell of decay from the nearby gutter, I nearly had a goddamn seizure. If I wanted to experience a sensory overload I would do it in the comfort of my own home by setting the Hasselhoffian Recursion as my screensaver.

I know these sales flunkies are just doing their job but I can't stop for simply anyone waving me down like a mad hitchhiker. I have standards you know! For example I will stop for anyone offering refreshments like soothing green tea.

I'd probably stop for shelled reptiles in drag promoting specialty turtle soup cafes. If only to wonder when was the last time I heard the word "Cowabunga!".

I wouldn't pay much attention to something that teaches children to lock up their pocketmoney in low interest-bearing deposits with hidden bank fees. Anyway it ran freaked and bolted when I ran up screaming "Five Dollar!! Me love you long time!!"

I'd definitely stop for model Rosemary Vandenbroucke (what a fantastic surname, it would make a perfect title for a Van Helsing sequel...come to think of it just having a Van Helsing sequel would be pure perfection) being Lady Godiva'd down the street in a bubble bath.

She might not even be selling anything. She might be taking her new bathtub for a test bath and test drive at the same time. What do you think Rosemary is promoting? Please limit your guesses to uneducated ones.

UPDATE: Bid for celebrity-designed teddy bears on Ebay to Save the Children. I have to say, I expected a bit more from the Linda Blair one.

8 Comments:

At 2:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wouldn't mind sharing Ms. WantonBroke's bubble bath on the street, provided she agreed to try out my test-drive.

Very funny post and nicely written (as you always do).

Cheers! [Ron, See Lai]

 
At 6:26 AM, Blogger Jeff said...

I always imagine the people employed are recently paroled child molesters

 
At 7:29 AM, Blogger stilt said...

The bears really are a bit ordinary. You would think that the David Copperfield bear would come with a (detachable) supermodel accessory kit, at a bear minimum

 
At 9:59 AM, Blogger Barneys Girl said...

Sigh. . its sad but I think I miss these absurd but very entertaining advertising tactics. I don't believe I've seen anything quite like that here in Chicago.

 
At 6:06 PM, Blogger Ms Hairy Legs said...

Heeheehee. Great post (although my favourite is still the one about the inmates manufacturing clothes in gaol)!

 
At 6:48 PM, Blogger Burnt Karma said...

That dollar face looks really, really mean. Maybe it's to tell kids the truth about rampant consumerism: You too can feel as miserable as me, just by worshipping money.

Either that, or he's got piles.

 
At 10:39 PM, Blogger j-a said...

aww... it still looks sunny in hong kong (minus 10 celsius new york)

 
At 12:29 AM, Blogger Spirit Fingers said...

Re: the dollar bill, I reckon it's the knitted eyebrows of consternation that makes it look mean and somewhat of a tightass.

 

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