Celebrity Lingerie 3-Way Smackdown

Only a couple more days and Intimate Apparel Week will finally be over! It's getting tiresome going about my daily routine in nothing but a lacy underthing. At least I had a better week than Nicolette Sheridan. Topping Mr Blackwell's Worst Dressed List AND catching the flu from naked household chores in the same week. It can only get better from now on, Nicolette!

Well since it's Friday I think you know what it's time for. Don't play dumb with me, I cannot abide by that crap. You know very well it's time for CELEBRITY LINGERIE 3-WAY SMACKDOWN!!!!

ELLE MCPHERSON V KYLIE MINOGUE V JENNIFER LOPEZ

In the red corner, is current titleholder Elle McPherson. It's a big night for Elle so she's got her no-nonsense Intimates Tuxedo set on.

In the blue corner, we have the challenger, Kylie Minogue wearing her Vixen bra (fine French lace and stretch mesh fabric detail) paired with Lucky knickers ( rouched bum seams, organza trims, ribbon tie sides and diamante logos). We've seen these knickers before, not just in the Love Kylie collection but in her previous winning matches.

And in this corner decorated with white lilies, the other challenger Jennifer Lopez is kitted out in a pink satin and fishnet bustier with a chiffon embroidery fanny wrap. That sure is some fighting lingerie and certainly in the Antipodes where the word fanny is not thrown around lightly.

The bell rings.

Jennifer starts off by shaking her booty at Elle. Elle ducks. Kylie jumps in, starts to choke Jennifer. Can she take her down? Jennifer throws Kylie into the ropes. But Elle's waiting and slingshots Kylie right back into Jennifer. Down on the mat they both go! Elle dives onto them. Her face meets...Jennifer's platform heels! Knee right in the face again. Jennifer rolls off, side ass block!

Jennifer slowly comes up. "CHOLOS!!" she screams. She rips off her fanny wrap to reveal a Fancy pants satin thong with velvet bow. The crowd goes wild. Elle strikes...a pose. Oh you work it, girl. She gets clotheslined by Jennifer. Elle's hard on the mat! It's almost over! Almost! For a count of two! She's back up! One more second and her Bendon-clad ass would have been gone.

Elle and Kylie double team Jennifer. Chop right in the guts. Cheekbone hook! Jennifer falls back. There's nowhere to go! Elle pulls Jennifer by the hair...slams her face into the guard rail! "That's for Gigli" she shouts. Oh that's gotta hurt. Kylie stomps in, here she goes. Remember both women's powerful booties. Kylie dropkicks Jennifer out of the ring. Oh no! It's all over for Jennifer. The Latin-American dream is no more! Quicker than she can say "I do" and sign the divorce papers.

It's simply amazing, the quality of the lingerie we have here tonight. Not one piece has been ripped apart yet. Kylie takes Elle, good tackle! Tries for...tries to pin her....oh so close! Elle catches Kylie in a side leg sweep. Wait, they've decided to abandon any pretense at wrestling moves. They've switched to hair-pulling. Yes, the nails have come out! Elle goes down caterwauling. Kylie's now straddling Elle, slapping her repeatedly. There's a real punishing being administered here. The crowd is getting aroused by the sweaty writhing. Even the referee is blushing.

Kylie's got Elle trapped in a head scissors. Elle is tiring quickly, trying to get out. Kylie, now, takes her time, she's spinning around (she knows we're feeling her cause we like it this), it's fantastic. Like one of Kylie's music videos. Can Elle hold on? Yes..maybe...No! Kylie finishes Elle off with a spinning head kick. That's a three count!

Hang on, what's this? We have a new challenger? Ladies and gentlemen, Liz Hurley has entered the ring. In all my years of wrestling commentary I have never seen the likes of this before. She's wearing..her self-designed Invisible Lingerie. It's exactly as I described. Liz has brought a weapon. Look at this...Liz gets into position. Bosom heave, SWINGS her king-sized goose down pillow. SMACK! Kylie's knocked out cold!

Ding ding ding! I think we have a winner!