Thursday, January 13

My skincare line

If I were to have a line of skincare products I would call it Countess Bathory. Yes, she was a noblewoman who tortured and murdered hundreds of girls, then bathed in her victims' blood, but my wealthy clients will be blinded by the prestige of her name alone. Once they find out she did it to keep herself looking young and she only victimised the lower classes, they will nod understandingly anyway. The packaging could even be designed to resemble vials of blood. I'm into little details like that.

I would hire sales minions to pounce on clueless women (much like the Countess did) and manipulate them into purchasing expensive skin-care regimens. My staff would have flawless skin and be adept at making condescending remarks about their customers' complexions. You'll also need this product for your T-zone my dear, we could practically fry an egg on you right now but let's not because it's past breakfast! Besides you look like you don't need the extra food anyway. Titter! Countess Bathory's spokesmodel would be a teen starlet who hasn't worn out her skin through hard partying. Or Angelina Jolie wearing a vial of blood taken from whoever her plump lips are kissing these days.

And of course I would take great pleasure in personally naming all of the products, making sure that there's one in each of these categories:

Scientific terms that could have been uttered by a nuclear scientist looking like Denise Richards in a tight tank top and short shorts
Cellular Cycle Ampoules for the Face (La Prairie)
Phosphatidyl - E with Tocotrienols Lipid Bi-Layer Repair Face Treatment (NV Perricone MD)
Restorative Amino-3P Firming Treatment (Boscia)

Hyphen frenzy
Dermo-Expertise Refinish Micro-Dermabrasion (L'Oreal)
Total Double Serum Multi-Regenerant Age-Control Extra-Firming Serum (Clarins)
Aquasource Ultra-Moisturizing Oligo-Thermal Cream Gel (Biotherm)

Anything that threatens to distort the physics of time
No Age Age-Defense Refining Essence (Dior)
Authority Age-Release Serum (Awake)
Retroactive Age Reversal Cream (Avon)

Random Vegetation
Cleansing Milk with Gentian (Clarins)
Wild Lettuce Toner (Burt's Bees)
Nightcream with Collagen and Woodmallow (Sisley)

Random number
Capture R60/80 Intense Wrinkle Night Fluid (Dior)
Prestige 20+10 Nutri-Restoring Fluid (Dior)
Vital Eye Q10 Plus Energy Complex (Juvena)

Bad Puns
Eye believe eye cream (Philosophy)
True Pore-fection Spot Clearing Treatment (Avon)
Sheer Matteness (Clinique)

Ecological Compound (Sisley)
Water Manager Emulsion (Laneige)
Truth Serum (Ole Henricksen)
Very Very UV Cut Milk ('s a Japanese brand so that explains a lot)
Blemish Double Agent (Biore)

Sounding vaguely indecent
Moist charge pack (Fancl)
Night Rhythmic Conditioner (Dr Hauschka)
Botanical buffing beads (Peter Thomas Roth)
High potency serum (Obagi)
Cucumber facial wipes (Boots)
Desincrustant lotion (Darphin)

It just occurred to me that there are many like-minded people out there. They are either planning to be or are already a part of the billion dollar skincare industry. Every few weeks, they "update" their brand with the same products re-released under new names and new packaging. We (i.e. women collectively, plus the handful of men who pride themselves on supple skin) are totally and utterly screwed.


At 5:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you for this very funny and insightful peice on skincare products. As a man, I often wonder if those things do any good at all. I think they are mainly placebos. I dunno, though, maybe they do make a big difference.

At 10:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

They definitely DO make a difference! I myself have a radiant moon face on top of a sagging, dead balloon body.
The funny/sad part is that more or less all these magic potions are composed of whipped vaseline in pretty jars.

At 1:01 PM, Blogger Spirit Fingers said...

Your saggy balloon body is not beyond redemption. Nothing that a bit of neck gel, foot cream, hand salve & body lipo-sculpting lotion can't fix.

At 2:44 PM, Blogger Jon said...

Quite the business sense. Treat them like shit, and they'll be back for more ;)

At 3:03 PM, Blogger Blandwagon said...

I've been meaning to get hold of some Man Moisturiser, now that age and sun have taken their toll and my skin has assumed the colour and texture of friable terracotta. Do you have any recommendations... other than for me to stop being such a girly-man?

At 4:50 PM, Blogger Spirit Fingers said...

Better to be a girly man than to have the weather ravaged face of Robert Redford and find out you need a testicle lift AS WELL. Check out some no-nonsense QV cream from the local chemist. And for the love of God, slather on the sunscreen (UVA and UVB coverage) even where you think the sun don't shine.

At 6:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes, yes, we'll all probably end up screwed and in deep debt due to our blatant addiction to pricy fixes for our earlier disdain for sun screen. But at least we'll look fabulous, daaaaaaaaaarling!


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