Wednesday, February 9

Karl Lagerfeld Diet

I'm not too thin. I'm just slim! What, you think I'm emaciated? Well, those sizes at Dior Homme, you have to respect them.
- Karl Lagerfeld

Take this short quiz to see if you need The Karl Lagerfeld Diet.

1. If you turn sideways, can you still be seen behind a bus stop pole?
2. Do your pyjamas have space for more than one stripe?
3. Does your clothing size have double digits?
4. Have you ever been told by an acquaintance that you look "healthy"?
5. Do you think that the fashion industry perpetuates the wrong sort of body image?

If you answered no to all of the above questions, then you are normal.
If you answered yes to 1 question, then you are FAT.
If you answered yes to 2-3 questions, then you are still FAT. (If you were expecting to hear otherwise, add naive to your list of inadequancies)
If you answered yes to more than 3 questions, then you are a behemoth of leviathan proportions. How could you let yourself go like that?

Wipe the tears away from your pudgy cheeks, The Karl Lagerfeld Diet is here to help. It's not a fad that's named after a beach, a dead cardiologist or a Britney Spears album. I could go on about the scientific studies, the glowing testimonials but a picture is a thousand words. See the miraculous results for yourself.

Before: This lady was invited to sing at the end of every gala performance and sports game so the audience knew when to leave.

After: Since her massive weight loss, she has enjoyed a more active social life and greater wardrobe choices. Incidentally she has also become one of the world's top catwalk models.

Before: An actress with her own sitcom called Fat Actress.

After: An actress appearing on a wildly popular teen-driven soap. Better known for wearing Chanel regularly and hanging with greasy billionheir boyfriend.

Before: A compulsive eating habit triggered by a very public divorce and uncertain film career meant that Nicole could not fit into a pair of size 28 jeans.

After: An Oscar, front row at Chanel, and the most expensive 60 second pefume commercial ever made.

"Beauty is thin, thin beauty" - that is all, Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. What are you waiting for, get your lard-laden ass started on the Karl Lagerfeld Diet today! It's not just for older European men who want to get into Heid Slimane's pants.


At 6:59 AM, Blogger Jon said...

Karl is crazy- he quit making his line for H&M because 'they made the sizes too large'. he is insane- case in point: Last winter I saw him leaving a bar in the posh meatpacking district here in NYC. He was of course surrounded by an entourage, and he and about 10 other people walked to the street and got in a parked minivan and drove off. It was the weirdest thing I had ever seen in my life!

At 8:43 AM, Blogger Pink Lemonade Diva said...

I really don't know what else to say: I Love This Blog.


At 11:53 PM, Blogger j-a said...

they all need help - the overly thin ones, the incredibly fat ones. hooray to the average sized person!

At 11:58 AM, Anonymous shinyfluff said...

The Karl Lagerfeld Diet Quiz was brilliant!

oh...and the word verifications are getting increasingly long and esoteric....people do tend to be drunk at this hour after all.

At 1:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

there is nothing crazy about the Karl Lagerfeld diet! It is refreshing to see a diet that says it is ok to just want to lose weight because you want to wear skinny jeans.

At 12:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Karl is amazing, the shit he said about dieting being superficial in his book, WONDERFUL!
Seriously, you Americans are always trying to justify your weight loss by saying shit like "OH THIS IS SO I CAN REALLY FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF"
Its for sex and smaller clothes, yes?

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