Friday, January 28

Dead or Alive

Although I don't participate in death pools, I think it is important to keep track of who's still around. It avoids the nasty shock of finding out so-and-so passed away months later, and explains all those unreturned calls and unreplied emails. With some personalities, confusion over their mortality status reigns supreme and it can lead to some very tense arguments around the water cooler. Let's try and set the record straight regarding these people. As at the time of writing:

Paul Newman: NOT DEAD.
Josef Stalin: DEAD.
Cinderella: FICTIONAL CHARACTER. IF SHE WAS REAL WOULD PROBABLY HAVE DIED IN HIGH SPEED CAR CHASE THROUGH PARIS TUNNEL WITH HER EGYPTIAN LOVER BY NOW.
Jeremy Irons: NOT SURE. CANNOT FEEL OWN BREATH IN FRONT OF FACE.
Michael Douglas: See Jeremy Irons. PRESENCE OF MINI WREATH ADDS TO CONFUSION.
Farrah Fawcett: NOT DEAD DESPITE LIFE ENDANGERING PLASTIC SURGERY. MOVIE AND TV CAREER ARE OFFICIALLY DEAD.
Tom Cruise: ORIGINAL DISAPPEARED WHILE HANGING OFF A CLIFF DURING FILMING OF MISSION IMPOSSIBLE. REPLACEMENT MODEL IS IN WORKING CONDITION SUBJECT TO OCCASIONAL HARDWARE GLITCHES.
George Clooney's pet pig: NOT DEAD. Don't expect bacon to served at Casa Clooney anytime soon. Besides, Matt "Snowball" Damon would never allow it.

Again, it's important to keep everyone in the loop about the niceties of pig-rearing but things occasionally slip through the cracks. You know that saying about never wrestling with a pig in the mud because you get dirty and the pig enjoys it? Can somebody put that in a memo and send it to Halle Berry.


6 Comments:

At 5:48 AM, Blogger Burnt Karma said...

Loved the Michael Douglas entry!

encore!

 
At 8:50 AM, Blogger coolchiq said...

My, what a sharp tongue we have today! Very good!!

 
At 3:56 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you just started another gay couple rumor. So Matt has been snowballing with George, eh?

 
At 9:26 AM, Blogger Spirit Fingers said...

I did not know the word snowball could be used in that context. Consider me pleasantly surprised.

 
At 10:35 AM, Blogger Mallrat said...

Well... i still remember a very annoying HK ad for hennessy cognac where the woman whines: "You promised to laaaaaahv me". time to turn off the telly. wonder if it's still on there, sf?

 
At 9:26 PM, Blogger Spirit Fingers said...

I have not seen that ad, it may have been replaced by the one where the woman pins the man to the bed and demands him to admire her new diamond earrings. Or the one where the woman goes shopping at midnight and makes the guy wait outdoors in a convertible car for her.

 

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