Dead or Alive
Although I don't participate in death pools, I think it is important to keep track of who's still around. It avoids the nasty shock of finding out so-and-so passed away months later, and explains all those unreturned calls and unreplied emails. With some personalities, confusion over their mortality status reigns supreme and it can lead to some very tense arguments around the water cooler. Let's try and set the record straight regarding these people. As at the time of writing:
Paul Newman: NOT DEAD.
Josef Stalin: DEAD.
Cinderella: FICTIONAL CHARACTER. IF SHE WAS REAL WOULD PROBABLY HAVE DIED IN HIGH SPEED CAR CHASE THROUGH PARIS TUNNEL WITH HER EGYPTIAN LOVER BY NOW.
Jeremy Irons: NOT SURE. CANNOT FEEL OWN BREATH IN FRONT OF FACE.
Michael Douglas: See Jeremy Irons. PRESENCE OF MINI WREATH ADDS TO CONFUSION.
Farrah Fawcett: NOT DEAD DESPITE LIFE ENDANGERING PLASTIC SURGERY. MOVIE AND TV CAREER ARE OFFICIALLY DEAD.
Tom Cruise: ORIGINAL DISAPPEARED WHILE HANGING OFF A CLIFF DURING FILMING OF MISSION IMPOSSIBLE. REPLACEMENT MODEL IS IN WORKING CONDITION SUBJECT TO OCCASIONAL HARDWARE GLITCHES.
George Clooney's pet pig: NOT DEAD. Don't expect bacon to served at Casa Clooney anytime soon. Besides, Matt "Snowball" Damon would never allow it.
Again, it's important to keep everyone in the loop about the niceties of pig-rearing but things occasionally slip through the cracks. You know that saying about never wrestling with a pig in the mud because you get dirty and the pig enjoys it? Can somebody put that in a memo and send it to Halle Berry.