Thursday, June 2

Dysfunctionally ever after

Disturbing relationship dynamics in classic fairy-tales which I only noticed just now

Little Red Riding Hood
Little Red Riding-Hood undressed herself and went into bed, where, being greatly amazed to see how her grandmother looked in her night-clothes...
When fake grandma asked Red Riding-Hood to undress herself and come into bed with her, this should twigged the girl that something was not quite right, and that hey since when did grandma's cottage become Neverland ranch for little girls who can't hold their alcohol.

Jack and the Beanstalk
He amused himself a long time with his hen, and then sent his wife to bed, while he fell asleep by the fireside, and snored like the roaring of cannon.
The use of the hen, which I guess is a thinly veiled euphemism, suggests that the giant does indeed have urges. However the forced lack of intimacy also suggests performance problems or homosexual proclivities or both.

While supper was preparing, the giant was very ill-tempered and impatient, frequently lifting up his hand to strike his wife for not being quick enough.
This is quite inconvenient for the wife. Every time she goes to the market for provisions, she has to publicly denounce her own clumsiness so as not to raise suspicions - all the other villagers are simply amazed at the number of times she can accidentally walk into a door.

Then her mother gave her a knife and said, cut the toe off, when you are queen you will have no more need to go on foot.
Here we have a mother who is a bit of a famewhore and who has never heard of a shoe stretcher. The stuff that sells nasty tell-all memoirs about the horrors of growing up with a stage mum.

The Frog Prince
At length the frog said, "I have eaten and am satisfied, now I am tired, carry me into your little room and make your little silken bed ready, and we will both lie down and go to sleep."
Given that this was probably their first date, the amphibian's sense of entitlement is particularly galling. And what with his bulgy-eyed slimy physical shortcomings, you'd think that he would try and work on his personality and foreplay techniques.

Tom Thumb
And saying these words, without more ado, he cut the throats of all his seven daughters.
Some people face the burden of having to pay for seven lavish weddings a bit differently. On the plus side, Dad will save lots of money that would normally be spent on lipgloss and ra-ra miniskirts.

The Little Mermaid
The prince said she should remain with him always, and she received permission to sleep at his door, on a velvet cushion.
This is what getting a pair of legs gets you into - an emotionally abusive relationship as the prince's perpetual doormat. She should have stayed in the sea and hooked up with something more considerate like a sea anemone.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
And the seventh dwarf slept with his companions, one hour with each, and so got through the night.
At first Snow White probably thought it was a sweet deal - free lodging in return for doing basic household chores. Then she was faced with the prospect of cleaning the soiled sheets and picking up used prophylactics off the floorboards every morning (not to mention the lusty commotion at night) for the term of her natural life and bit into that poisoned apple as quickly as she could.

For more Jerry Springer Show-style antics, read the multi-coloured Fairy Books.

Updated! With commentary.


At 10:37 AM, Blogger sway said...

fairy tales have always disturbed me. I mean, the whole concept is freaky- not just little quotes from it. Princess and the Pea where she wakes up black and blue? Little Match Girl where she sees food when she dies from cold and hunger? The Tin Soldier who gets pushed into a fire and welded together with a paper ballerina in the end?

At 10:50 AM, Blogger Spirit Fingers said...

I know, no wonder they put us to bed early after reading them (not that it helped dreams much). But imagine reading them late at night by yourself.

The one that freaks me out the most are those obssessed red shoes that go on dancing even after the little girl's feet have been amputated. And the only way for her to escape is to pray until her heart explodes and she drifts up to heaven.

At 7:08 PM, Blogger Lexandria said...

so much for 'happily ever after' LOL.

Now i know why they always end with 'The End' - stop at where the happiness are, the part after 'the end' is highly confidential.



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