Dressage has everything to do with clothing
Lifestyle health and safety alert! Well-to-do people have been falling off horses lately, mainly because they haven't been taking the necessary precautions to manage risk and create a friendly horsey environment for all. When a horse kicks up a ruckus, it's no accident - often times it is merely voicing displeasure at your fashion choices. A few simple tweaks to your equestrian attire can tame even the most sullen of beasts.
Some horses have deep-seated issues and desires dating back to their days as foals in repressed boarding schools. They make a big show of being unruly because they enjoy being disciplined, but only if a sexy headmistress is involved.
Protective gear is a must unless Humpty Dumpty is your role model. Wrap the riding helmet in swathes of jersey cloth to prevent dislodgement. The body must also be bound tightly by a large bandage to minimise breasts and other swelling.
If you watched the movies National Velvet and International Velvet, you will know that the star in each instance was the fabric, not the horse or its rider. Wear this and swish-clop swish-clop your way to victory.
Long loose flowing gowns are probably the safest thing you can wear for horse riding. Most times you will get tangled up so tightly with the tack, you'll stay on no matter how bumpy the ride.
Horses can sense when they are carrying someone whose sentiments are less than patriotic. Fortunately, thanks to blinkers they are oblivious to pants that are too tight and boots that are too tacky.
With proper wardrobe planning, it is possible for heavily pregnant women to enjoy an exhilarating horseback experience. Remember to shield your delicate condition well otherwise you'll only end up spooking the horse.
Next update: Wednesday 6 September