I loved this woman
PARIS - Joy turned to tragedy in the early hours of the morning when Tom Cruise accidentally snapped Katie Holmes' neck while in the throes of passion. The pair of lovebirds had just announced their engagement at a packed press conference when Tom manfully grabbed Katie's hair. He then pulled her head into a clinch to prepare for a macho show of affection. However the brute force of his loving left arm against Katie's throat was too much pressure for her neck vertebrae to bear.
Shocked onlookers said that Tom was unable to hear the lethal snap of his fiancee's bones over his maniacal laughter as he described what a magnificent, extraodinary and unbelievable woman Katie was. Even as her body went limp, he continued to whisper into his lover's ear "are you OK?" and "darling, smile for the cameras". It was only after the Batman Begins star failed to respond to the words "if you don't wake up now Dakota (Fanning) is more than happy to take your place" when Tom knew that something was wrong.
Attempts to resuscitate the comatose raven-haired beauty with vitamins in a nearby Scientology tent failed. Katie was then rushed to a Scientology health unit and pronounced dead some several hours later. Upon hearing the news, which was delivered in front of another packed conference, the successful action star became instantly and volubly wracked with grief. He began screaming into his microphone: "I LOVED THIS WOMAN!! I REALLY DID!! LOVED MY WOMAN!! THE LOVE WAS REAL! I CAN'T BE LAIDBACK, I CAN'T BE COOL. WHERE IS SHE? WHERE?!? BRING HER OUT!"
The volunteer doctor who signed Katie's death certificate commented: "Everyone knows that Tom has the strength of ten heterosexual men so it is no surprise that a slender girl like Katie would break a twig while in his virile grasp - especially when such an awkward pose was involved."
It also quickly surfaced that this was not the first time that the daredevil megastar had put Katie's neck in danger. The first incident was in April, when the lovestruck twosome stepped out at the David Di Donatelli Awards. Photos were splashed around the world of Tom romantically nuzzling, then romantically throttling Katie.
At the premiere of Batman Begins less than two weeks ago, Tom squeezed Katie's neck again with overwhelming ardour, causing her to close her eyes and grit her teeth in pain.
This latest tragedy comes on the heels of Tom's increasingly violent outbursts of love which included damage to upholstery and uncontrollable facial gestures.
It is not expected that Katie's family will press charges, having waived the rights to her body or anything else to do with her in return for unlimited sushi parties on Tom's private Lear jet. Katie's publicist (who is also Tom's publicist and sister) was quick to deny her death was just a publicity stunt and added: "Katie always trusted Tom to have her best interests at heart so any neck-breaking on his part would purely have been done for her benefit. Her thetans will live on strong in the knowledge she experienced the most amazing, wonderful and exhilarating love with Tom Cruise."
In a bittersweet parting gesture, Tom has taken full control of the funeral arrangements. It promises to be a bigger production than Mission Impossible: 3 and the production team have already started scouting locations. It is rumoured that Tom has even hired the same dove, "the hardest working dove in showbusiness", that was used at Michael Jackson's acquittal.
With two failed marriages, several aborted relationships and a dead Dawson's Creek actress on his hands, it seems that Tom is just like any other straight man after all. A man who loves his women and loves them way too much.
War of the Worlds is coming soon to a theatre near you. In the meantime, you can go and watch Batman Begins.