Royal Asshat

You may recall that I gave some pertinent advice recently about big hair. Not much has changed in that respect but headwear on the other hand has taken a turn for the gargantuan. Just how big are we talking here? Well come a bit closer to the computer screen and be overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of Royal Ascot millinery. Let's try and see Sir Hillary and that sherpa try to scale that!


This kind of hat provides a feathery subterfuge from the rest of the world. Nobody can get in to harass you, but at the same time, you can't get out either - hence the vacant look of someone who has completely lost their mind in a swirling crimson maelstrom.


Look out, it's the former Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher! And he's hiding Voldemort under there!


This looks nothing like an A3 LNER Pacific steam locomotive to me. The entrance to a remote casino featuring vulgar drag queen shows, maybe, but a train, never.


I don't like the messages that are being to transmitted to outer space via this hat. It could lead THEM to believe that we are a planet composed mainly of candy stores which means we will ended up being invaded by alien invaders with sweet tooths rather than ones that swallow rodents whole.


I would be slightly glum as well, if I had accidentally decapitated my race date while trying to put my hat on this morning. It can slice, dice, cut, chop and briefly divert attetion from overly squashed breasts.


The heart warms at the sight of a woman opening her petals wide and offering up her fully bloomed flower, among other things, to the world.


It's a hat that is best worn with a guide dog. It's also a hat that makes me think that life in Sleepy Hollow would have been not so stressful if the Headless Horseman had wandered about with a big bath sponge for a head instead of a flaming pumpkin. At least you could at least take it home for some quality exfoliation if he decided to hurl it at you in a Russell Crowe moment.

If you want to follow the stylish examples above, you must first think long and hard about the sort of mammoth millinery you want. It has to fit your budget, your personality and perhaps even through your door. It's not just a matter sticking any old thing on your forehead like a post-it reminder note and sauntering out the palace doors.