Friday, February 18

Inappropriate body parts

Update: internet was inexplicably down last night so that's why there were no new posts. I pay, I don't know how much, a sum of money for it to be available to me whenever I want. It's my gigolo on call! And he didn't show last night! Very disappointed.

Body parts that should not be shown at work because they decrease productivity
If I can see your knees, then your skirt is too damn short. Or you should put on some damn pants instead of parading around in underwear. The skin around adult knees tends to be rough, wrinkled and saggy. Seeing a colleague's knees is basically seeing the least attractive part of them, or having a glimpse of what they look like soaking for hours in their own filth in the bath. The worst possble start to the day.

Lack of boob cleavage
Only women who are built like my trusty busty mousepad have license to carry a partially unconcealed rack. Where only sternum exists, keep your necklines respectable. Does a poor man walk around with an empty wallet hanging out his back pocket? Besides, they never give away prizes at office parties for being the human xylophone.

Armpit hair
It wasn't ok when Julia Roberts or Drew Barrymore did it, so it's definitely ok when you do it. Just talking about it triggers memories of the worst dessert I ever had - coconut cake at a restaurant called Via Quadronno. Technically it was coconut cake but texturally it was no different to a mouthful of armpit hair, or possibly even pubic hair. I might add that this sensation was an entirely new experience to me. Nevertheless it made me understand why some people appreciate a shaved armpit and Brazilian waxes for that matter.

Blemished backs
You probably have no idea what's going on back there. How convenient for you. Here's an update: sebaceous glands have taken over the area and are out of control! The site still bears marks left behind by violent eruptions. I've named the larger ones after minor celebrities and which allows me to play a mental game of connecting the dots in a six degrees of separation way. Oh and the moles, the stories I could tell you about them. I've been watching one in particular, it doesn't look normal and has been acting suspiciously.

For all intents and purposes, treat them like internal organs. I assume that all ten of them exist and are in proper working order so there's no need to display them. And what is with painting them with little flowers and delicate scenery like a series of world class murals. Did you have to get a government grant to fund that? Glittery decalled toenails are a huge problem. It means that I actually have to look at you when we pass in a corridor that's not wide enough to feign not seeing someone coming from the opposite direction.

Being born gummy and staying that isn't a design flaw. So God blessed you with an excess of gum tissue. All the more reason not to neglect them. Sometimes I wish you would be less happy just so you wouldn't have to smile. Because your upper lip has this habit of riding up way above your teeth to reveal that it's been long since you had a dental check-up. I can recommend a good one for your gingival grin. Here's his number, call him to make an appointment. Actually don't bother, just go right into his office. He'll probably drop what he's doing to attend to you, it's that bad.


At 11:47 AM, Anonymous Fabian said...

Maybe your funniest post yet!

At 4:10 PM, Blogger Jon said...

I'm gummy, though my dentist swears it's not gingivitis. As a result, I don't smile, or if I laugh, I cover my mouth in Japanese school girl fashion.

At 5:19 PM, Blogger Spirit Fingers said...

I have no doubt that being the clean freak that you are, you keep them pink, healthy and youthfully exuberant. What freaks me out are the spongy discolored gums.

At 9:49 PM, Blogger Amelia said...

Are you sure about the lack of clevage one??? I mean don't forget there is the "wonder bra"... and I say speak with authority when I say it works.. it really works!!!

At 1:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

right on Spirit Fingers!

i think feet are the least attractive part of a person and the toes are the least attractive part of the foot. i have memories from childhood when people did not wear sandals and flip-flops...


At 1:58 PM, Blogger JumpingPuddles said...

Ouch! thats harsh... but will definitely take note of your list of "don'ts" when i start work in March *gulp*... in particular the lack of cleavage one :)

At 4:38 PM, Blogger Mallrat said...

Human xylophone? what effect does that have on the wind and horn sections?

At 3:26 PM, Blogger Jellyfish said...

Wa-hey! Thanks for that. I'm now so paranoid I may never leave the house again. Excellent.


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