Tuesday, February 22

Keeping It Pure

Yesterday we spoke at length about chaste garb, twittering excitedly over how it has become dernier cri. But what's the damn point of covering up if you're just going to give it up like Bai Ling to the nearest person within thrusting distance. Doesn't complete the look quite as well as one would have hoped.

For that you need a big bag. A bagful of abstinence! I'm not going to lie and say that a little abstinence goes a long way. A little abstinence is pathetic, it amounts to taking a 5 minute cigarette break between orgies in newly opened Swedish furniture stores. All of this purity talk applies only to unmarried people. Married folks don't need to keep their hormones in check. They have surmounting debts, in-laws, possibly children and keeping up with the neighbours for that.

Boys, you can aid the priggish Victorian fashion revolution by leaving girls alone. If this real life Barbie doll saved herself for marriage, it means that there are many others like her who have sashayed off the assembly line in Pucci wedges. Take the abstinence pledge NOW at Sex is for Fags, abstinence only coolness for boys:
To keep my groinal giblets inside my GAP khakis, and to punch those sweaty bits into submission whenever they percolate with desire.

Abstinence instils morals that should have been thwacked into you by your parents anyway, PLUS a strong dose of homophobia thrown in for free. Channel your erectile energies into other productive activities:
Nothing gets icky premarital sex off the brain better than an impromptu game of touch football with your Sex is for Fags brothers. Sinful thoughts dissipate like magic while you writhe under a pile of your buddies' taut high school bodies, bulging zippers grazing firm buttocks, touching, tackling, and wrestling. Then afterwards, you can all take a long, hot, group shower and talk about baseball!

It takes two not to do the horizontal tango, so girls, you MUST also take the abstinence pledge at Iron Hymen abstinence only coolness for girls:
To never wear trampy stuff like shorts or t-shirts or open-toed shoes, which basically tell horny perverts that I'm a major tramp who's just asking for it.

You won't need any further persuading after learning the truth about boy's privates. It's not really worth all that effort just for the cheapest Louis Vuitton pochette he can afford, is it. Think of it as a fun waiting game. Love or barring that the Church of England will find a way eventually! They couldn't possibly have had premarital relations. Fairy tale romances don't work like that.


At 6:41 PM, Blogger Jon said...

The Sex is for Fags site is hilarious. Was it created by the same people who do The Onion? If you don't know what The Onion is, you have to read it....

At 6:42 PM, Blogger Jon said...


At 9:13 PM, Blogger j-a said...

what's with all this abstinence talk? don't you know it's all about having safe sex?

At 9:58 PM, Blogger Spirit Fingers said...

I don't read the website very often but I bought the Onion book, Our Dumb Century, haven't got around to reading it yet but it looks great!
J-A, sex is never safe...everytime someone has sex...a virgin drops dead!


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