Monday, February 28

A man's got to know his limitations

Wow, what a night it was for all the Oscar winners, losers and anybody who thought it was a good idea to sit through the whole thing just for a few seconds of Salma Hayek's cleavage. The biggest winner was Clint Eastwood and not just because of all the little gold statuettes he got to take home. This is how the night proceeded as seen through his steely-eyed gaze:

Taunt Michael Jackson during live tv coverage of red carpet:

Give wife patented "Magnum Force (no tongue)" kiss after winning Best Director award:

Invite Julia Roberts to feel the effects of La Prairie Caviar Creme on skin suppleness and elasticity:

Catch sight of Salma Hayek in audience and smile appreciatively:

Mack on Barbra Streisand when James Brolin isn't looking:

Regret macking on Barbra because she now insists on leaving early together:

Let Dustin Hoffman check out supreme tautness of ass:

Proposition Hilary Swank for kicks to see what Oscar-winning expression of disgust she can come up with:

With Dustin's help, retrieve bag of cocaine from its hiding place under the Oscar statue:

Slip some uppers into mum's drink so the old dear can keep up with her party buddies Johnny Depp and Prince:


At 5:55 AM, Blogger j-a said...

i was really shocked to see his mum.

At 9:25 AM, Blogger Harrods Girl said...

Hilary Swank's freaked out expression is just too funny for words.

At 1:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You have to admit, that is gale force cleavage.

At 3:25 AM, Blogger Bag chick said...

That was a masterpiece!

At 3:48 PM, Blogger Jellyfish said...

Oh, that was brilliant. Definitely my favorite post-Oscars, um, post.

The question about Clint on everyone's lips 'round my way was, 'Has he had work done?' I can't bear to think he has, but - his cheeks are so shiny!

Well, I heart you Clint, even if you are plastic-fantastic.

I tell you what was really disturbing - the racially-tinged cut-aways. A black person wins - or the films that won for racial stuff like the short film about the orphans - cut to Oprah, P Diddy, Jay Z, etc. A brown person wins - cut to Salma, Penelope, Antonio etc. Even if they had bugger all to do with the actual person/film. It wa slike, 'go for the matching color-scheme!' Gross.

At 12:45 AM, Blogger Spirit Fingers said...

I hate those cutaways, how is the person supposed to react. I'd love for someone to give a real "WTF?" expression right at the camera (if they haven't done so already) one of these days.

At 2:46 AM, Blogger Wigwam Jones said...

I've been waiting for the king-sized whackjob Steady Eddy to make his appearance for some time now. We were supposed to make a couple of the post-parties, he had the invites - don't know how the hell THAT happened, but Swank likes him, so go figger. I trusted him and let him order the limo - but nothing. So I watched it on TV and then later I took a bunch of button mushrooms and did the Dancing Whispers of Death thing again on my mohair rug. When I got MY statue, they all loved me. Now I'm up at 2 a.m. puking on the carpet again. What happened?


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