Try our new skull and crossbones line of skincare

I don't have much time tonight so I shall use it all up to indulge in some scaremongering. Do you know what you are really smearing onto your face everyday? Could your favourite brand of cosmetics be a prettily packaged minefield of banned substances? Could pitera just be a fancy word for asbestos! Save me the shocking lab results, I already know what to expect from overpriced Japanese cosmetics. Unlike these disgruntled customers who found out the hard way that the secret ingredients are kept secret with good reason.

1. Commercial chlorine bleach and possible "smylex" poison


2. Formaldehyde


3. Corrosive acids causing pus-oozing sores


4. Leather polish


5. Clown grease paint


6. Lead, mercury, cadmium and virtually every other toxic metal you can think of


Next update: Wednesday 20 September