Commonly confused words

In my spare time, I exchange language lessons with some of the Hong Kong Chinese people who are eager to improve their English. This way I can learn to appreciate obscenities or pleasantries that strangers on the street shout at me in their native dialect when I drunkenly grope them, and likewise they don't look so baffled at me when their Marlboros drop out of their back pocket and I have to chase them halfway down the block and say "excuse me sir, you just dropped these cancer sticks".

One subject I often get asked to explain is the subject of commonly confused words. Words that sound a lot alike but mean different things. Very very different things.

HERBIE: FULLY LOADED
A Disney remake about the adventures of a self-thinking Volkswagen Beetle and a foxy teen actress who incidentally got her big start in another Disney remake. Not to be confused with HERPES: FULLY LOADED which is a home movie that isn't very family-friendly at all.


CROW'S FEET
Little wrinkles appearing around the corners of the eyes after a certain age indicating that, unlike Nicole Kidman, a person has chosen to eschew Botox for the natural aging process. Not to be confused with CROWE'S FIST which can come into contact with your eyes at any point in your life, for no apparent justification whatsoever, and even in spite of the fact you were the only person who bought a ticket to go and watch Cinderella Man.


CRUISE CONTROL
A built-in feature of a car that can be used to automatically maintain the same driving speed and which the driver is entirely free to turn on or off. Not to be confused with CRUISE CONTROLLED which is something you can't switch off at will and you only agree to if you've lost your f***ing mind.


DIESEL AIR POLLUTION
A longtime global problem that needs to be dealt with if our future generations are to have any chance of living in a sustainable world. Not to be confused with DIESEL HAIR POLLUTION which is a relatively recent phenomena that goes hand in hand with crappy scripts and wooden acting, but can be easily avoided if one isn't a fan of previously bald actors with voices of thick caramel.


ICED TEA AND COCOA
Popular beverages that offer instant refreshment in the summer heat and winter chill respectively. Not to be confused with ICE-T and COCO who provide little relief no matter what season it is.


JOLIE-LAIDE
A term derived from a French phrase literally meaning "pretty-ugly" to denote someone with unconventional looks that exude a certain charm, for example Benicio del Toro. Not to be confused with JOLIE LAID which describes a very very lucky man indeed.