Hey There Rich Folk: Gold Edition

In these uncertain times, the reassuring allure of gold cannot be denied. Gold is something that all rich people should hoard like acorns just before the wintry season. It's durable, it's intrinsically valuable and it is mindblowingly awesome to have enough gold to construct your own ceiling showing how man was created, then beamed down to earth in a giant golden ray of light. See how you can use gold to make a few cosmetic improvements to your humble abode, thereby making you more likely to invite guests back to your home.


Prior to its makeover, this was a typical cramped studio apartment with little going for it. But after some tasteful gold inlay and fittings, with a smattering of baroque, you will see that we have now created the illusion of enough space for a sit-down dinner party, witty repartee and a quasi-throne in which you can repose and stroke your favourite sculptures.


In the powder room, guests may avail themselves of the lustrous facilities. The solid gold toilet seat must be left down in all instances simply because it is too heavy to be lifted.


After a hard day's work why not kick off your shoes and submerge yourself in the luxury of a gold bathtub. You might want to get the chambermaid to draw the bath beforehand by emptying suitcases of hundred-dollar bills.


And if you have some spare change left over after the renovations, have it beaten and hammered into a breastplate fit for an Amazon queen. Every woman needs a flesh-digging underwire bra in her closet.

Next update: Friday September 22