Monday, October 2

Exit Stage Left (or Right)

It hasn't quite been 20 years but it's time to bid a tender goodbye and go gently into real life where many exciting new projects await. Thank you readers, thank you linesmen, thank you ball boys, thank you tormented artists masquerading as fashion designers, thank you celebrities and your vapid wanton ways, thank you for a real good time!

After 600-odd posts, it seems that there are no more words left to thump out, especially when confronted with an abomination such as this:

But don't despair it's not entirely over yet.

You can still catch me on Teh Interweb, churning out condensed matter on a daily basis. See you around and stay unfashionably clothed!

Sunday, October 1

Happy Birthday China

May the bricks of your enemies crumble into smithereens before your powerful forces

And may your pandas find the libido to multiply in Malthusian proportions

Friday, September 29

Good manicurists are hard to find these days

Records broken by Lee Redmond other than world's longest fingernails

World's highest hairline

World's longest time taken to open a can of Coke

World's largest individual consumer of olive oil

World's most prolific eyegouger

World's largest collection of Gandalf hairpieces

World's craziest glint in eyes

World's most inefficient typist

World's most likely to freak someone out on a blind date

World's most washed out photo taken of the world's most sallow human being

The snuggest vinyl pants this side of town

Next update: Monday 2 September

Wednesday, September 27

A cook's best friend

Any dog who's even the slightest bit fussy will tell you that dog food, for the most part, tastes atrocious. Artificial flavouring, preservatives, and other mystery chemicals combine to leave an unwanted aftertaste on the tongue.

Increasingly dogs are demanding that their owners learn some rudimentary skills in the kitchen before they even consider stepping inside the home for meals. If you know what's good for you and your pet's jaded palate, you will enrol yourself in a dog food cookery class faster than it takes for Lindsay Lohan to break up with her newest boyfriend. It is all the rage in Seoul where the prevailing sentiment seems to be, "check it out, we cook for dogs now".

Nothing gets the salivary glands more excited than using the finest and freshest ingredients. If only humans found meat hor d'oeuvres to be so intensely mesmerising.

Some pets have a very paws-on approach and like to be closely involved in the preparation stage. However master chefs recommend against this because of the danger of having knives around animals - instead of chopping the vegetables you could end up giving them an unfortunate haircut.

Sitting down to a homecooked meal and engaging in civilised conversation sure beats digging into prepackaged slop while watching tv. This dog says "What an amazing degustation menu that was! A divine melange of flavours and mouth-melting textures that I couldn't rate more highly. My compliments to the sommelier for an excellent choice of wines too."

And if that isn't enough every now and then you can surprise your pet with a triple-decker version of their favourite dish. After subjecting them to your tawdry games of dress-up the least you can do is make them something nice to eat.

Next update: Friday 29 September

Monday, September 25

Getting a foot in the door

Tips on how to get past first round interviews for extremely competitive jobs

Well if you want to convince your prospective employer that you are capable of superhuman feats of productivity, then you need to start dressing more like a superhero. For example, my real name is Kathy but when I apply for jobs I go by the name Super-Retro-Sexy-Pantihose Girl. I also make sure that my cape is long to create aerodynamic lift but short enough to show off my ass. Make that my superhuman ass.

Recently I applied for a position at a very prestigious airline. I wanted to present the image of the ideal flight attendant so I tied a scarf neatly around my neck, secured my bust and displayed my flesh pockets. I got an offer but didn't end up taking it because I would have been expected to keep my navel covered up at all times during the flight. I don't keep it immaculately groomed for nothing you know!

I'm all about first impressions so I craft my own clothes to wear. I find that if my outfit is really stiff and paperlike then it makes it harder for me to let down my guard and say something uncalled for. The last thing I want to do is freak the interviewer out.

I prefer to do my interviews standing up because cheap vinyl doesn't bend that easily. But I usually end up missing my interview appointments anyway because I tend to underestimate the time needed to put on a pair of boots.

Nowadays you can't just coast by on good looks and strategically placed bits of pink fabric. You have to bring extra skills to the table. Like, in this instance the fortitude and foresight to put giant lovehearts on an otherwise mundane headset.

One very important thing I learnt is never ever dress up like how your boyfriend demands in the bedroom. Unless he is the one interviewing you of course.

Next update: Wednesday 27 September