Friday, September 22

New to the neighbourhood

How to tell if your neighbours are not from around these parts

They potter about the house swathed in nothing but an auto racing flag

They refuse to attend your welcome barbecue because it is a waste of perfectly good tin foil

Most of their tiling work occurs outside of the bathroom and the kitchen

Taking out the garbage is a highly covert reconnaissance mission

Instead of ringing the doorbell like everyone else, they swoop in through the window when they want to borrow a cup of sugar

They give you a blank look whenever you greet them on the street and mouth some pleasantries about the weather

Next update: Monday 24 September

Wednesday, September 20

Hey There Rich Folk: Gold Edition

In these uncertain times, the reassuring allure of gold cannot be denied. Gold is something that all rich people should hoard like acorns just before the wintry season. It's durable, it's intrinsically valuable and it is mindblowingly awesome to have enough gold to construct your own ceiling showing how man was created, then beamed down to earth in a giant golden ray of light. See how you can use gold to make a few cosmetic improvements to your humble abode, thereby making you more likely to invite guests back to your home.

Prior to its makeover, this was a typical cramped studio apartment with little going for it. But after some tasteful gold inlay and fittings, with a smattering of baroque, you will see that we have now created the illusion of enough space for a sit-down dinner party, witty repartee and a quasi-throne in which you can repose and stroke your favourite sculptures.

In the powder room, guests may avail themselves of the lustrous facilities. The solid gold toilet seat must be left down in all instances simply because it is too heavy to be lifted.

After a hard day's work why not kick off your shoes and submerge yourself in the luxury of a gold bathtub. You might want to get the chambermaid to draw the bath beforehand by emptying suitcases of hundred-dollar bills.

And if you have some spare change left over after the renovations, have it beaten and hammered into a breastplate fit for an Amazon queen. Every woman needs a flesh-digging underwire bra in her closet.

Next update: Friday September 22

Monday, September 18

Try our new skull and crossbones line of skincare

I don't have much time tonight so I shall use it all up to indulge in some scaremongering. Do you know what you are really smearing onto your face everyday? Could your favourite brand of cosmetics be a prettily packaged minefield of banned substances? Could pitera just be a fancy word for asbestos! Save me the shocking lab results, I already know what to expect from overpriced Japanese cosmetics. Unlike these disgruntled customers who found out the hard way that the secret ingredients are kept secret with good reason.

1. Commercial chlorine bleach and possible "smylex" poison

2. Formaldehyde

3. Corrosive acids causing pus-oozing sores

4. Leather polish

5. Clown grease paint

6. Lead, mercury, cadmium and virtually every other toxic metal you can think of

Next update: Wednesday 20 September