Friday, November 18

I shall call them Mini-Mimi!

Mariah Carey dolls, eh? Fear not, Marie Osmond, your status as singer turned doll designer (seriously was this one based on Rosemary's Baby) is secure for now. Rather Mariah has commissioned toymakers to produce 3000 plastic miniature versions of herself. This is going to be such a huge success that I can foresee an entire range designed for doll enthusiasts of all types.

Stepping Out Mariah

A starter doll, depicting Mariah going about her daily routine, whether that includes walking down the street and waving at her fans or going to buy milk from the corner store. Comes dressed in an outfit that represents her basic fashion philosophy: cleavage, thighs and midriff.

Let's Go Camping Mariah

Armed with a bottle of mosquito repellent and little else, this doll is ready to tackle the great outdoors! A camper van is available for separate purchase, fitted with gold faucets and expensive French mineral water to bathe in and toilet paper in her preferred shade in pink.

Doubled Sided Tape Mariah

Recognising that even dolls are not immune to the odd boob slip, toymakers have come up with a version that is built to withstand the rigors of play. Note that this model comes with faint surgical scars.

Little Mermaid Mariah

Like Princess Ariel, Mariah Carey has a captivating voice that has lured many a sailor to his rocky doom. That is where the similarity ends. Extra hairpieces included as the breasts drop over time.

Golfing Great Mariah

Comes dressed for a competitive round of golf and includes necessary equipment. Made with movable limbs so that she can practise her golf swing and tear up the green with those heels.

Strip-o-gram Mariah

No doll bachelor party would be complete without this addition. Programmed to lose the glasses first and then the coat. Anatomically incorrect to discourage the groom-to-be from cheating. Parental guidance recommended.

Limited Edition: Fabulous Formal Mariah

All glammed up for a big night out, this doll comes as part of a set with best buddy Versace Barbie. They've both passed rehab with flying colours and are positively glowing with health and bronzer.

Top-heavy Mariah

This particular model has a larger cup size and wider bust than the rest. Tastefully ensconced in fabric to avoid awkward questions from children. Will topple over if left to stand its own but reflects reality instead of being a design flaw.

Thursday, November 17

Not everyone likes their gifts fully clothed

I'm guessing that we all know someone in our lives who has a thing for nudes. They might not necessarily be interested in getting nude themselves but they do appreciate seeing a fine naked body now and then to help them get through the day. And it so happens that these kind of people are ALWAYS the hardest to buy gifts for. You want to get them something that appeals to their interests, yet you still want to maintain some semblance of tasteful social etiquette. Well, guess what, you can have it both ways.

Auto accessory

Strippers are always a good bet, but they're expensive and always hassle you to buy them more drinks. A low-cost alternative is an Antenna Stripper Doll. Once you make the mental leap from car antenna to stripper pole, everything just falls into place. Choose from Raven, Diamond and Britini. Although Diamond comes in an American flag bikini, I personally prefer Raven because of an interesting back story that has certainly inspired more than one telemovie:
"RAVEN - is a 21 single brunette from Seattle Washington. She is expecting her first child, although she is unsure of the identity of the father. She quit school in the 9th grade, confident of her rocker boyfriend's pending record deal."
The clothes don't actually come off but for $10.99 you're not going to see much action at "Club Exxxtasy" either. Somebody's just going to have to use a little imagination.


The undress me mug is the drinking version of the stripping woman pen. It allows you to undress a miniature man/woman while reading the morning paper. By the time you get to the obituaries, he/she should be starkers. Since many people would rather stare into their mug all day than do any work, this should have negligible effect on office productivity.

Custom Photo
I hate how people just load up Photoshop, paste someone's head onto a nude model and think that this 2 minute slap-dash job qualifies as the greatest thing ever. Would they remake Robocop in the same way? No. They would use state-of-the-art CGI technology. And so should you, by employing the custom services of Naked Fake (not safe for work). Nude fantasies are best left in the hands of a professional where they can be sculpted into a realistic nude image. While you're there you might as well pick up something from the online pharmacy too.

Another blog to visit: The Fat Guy - Not-a-pundit. Just a guy writing about food, music, books and tractors.

Wednesday, November 16

They grow up so fast

Skinny little Hermione Granger. She's growing up. She's filling out. The next thing we know she'll be giving interviews to men's magazines saying things like "Yeah I wanna ride that broomstick hard. Woo!" Still don't know what I mean?

Remember that episode of the Cosby Show when Rudy Huxtable got all upset about not developing breasts like the rest of her friends, then midway through the season she got her period which led to a special "Woman's Day" celebration in her honour and not long after that people started complaining that the show had jumped the shark?

Or what about in the Wonder Years, when Winnie Cooper turned up to school sans glasses wearing a mini and go-go boots, showing Kevin Arnold a side that he had never seen before? And wasn't it disappointing that after six seasons of on-and-off relationship dramas, he didn't end up marrying her, leading the viewer to believe that she would lead the rest of her miserable existence, cold, alone, and surrounded by scribblings of complicated math theorems?

Remember how when you looked at Punky Brewster all you noticed were the freckles and pigtails, and maybe that strange denim vest, but it was only because of the clashing colours that you were looking at that area in the first place?

Not that some of the boys have fared any better. Remember when the cute little kid from Jerry Maguire wasn't old enough to make his own fashion choices?

If you cast your mind back, can you also remember a time when Malcolm was too busy setting up elaborate juvenile pranks with the help of his brothers to think about getting affianced, much less to one of his spinster aunts?

Like me, were you too freaked by all the dead people he was seeing to consider the possibility that plush toy features, while adorable on a 10 year old boy, may not translate well into adolescence? Especially when combined with the sort of hair required to be Detective Dave Starsky's partner?

Did also ever occur to you that if the Terminator was sent from the future to protect John Connor, he would have known this would happen, and given John a couple of tips about sobriety and proper grooming before melting into the lava?

Seems like only yesterday when they were taking their first acting steps. I guess time flies when you're busy trying to outgrow the one thing you'll always be known for.

Another blog to visit: Justine Larbalestier - I’m a Sydney girl what writes books. My first book, The Battle of the Sexes in Science Fiction, is all researched and footnotey, the second one, Magic or Madness, not so much.

Tuesday, November 15

Better than Robin Williams in a prosthetic mask

Baiwatch: Bai Ling defiles "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" in every way imaginable. Karaoke night will never be the same again.

Hey babies, tired of pottering around in your cage all day?
Ever feel that you're stuck in a developmental rut?
Craving for someone who can show you a good time?

Well, you need to grab one of your parents' credit cards and hire yourself a nanny! A Russian man-nanny, to be more precise.

First showcased at Moscow Fashion Week, Russian man-nanny has the stringy blonde hair and heavily made-up eyes of a trashy teenage girl but the firm masculine grip of a professional bodyguard. Dressed in efficient black gauchos and boots that date back to Soviet days, this is clearly one nanny that doesn't take off at the slightest change in wind conditions or waste time writing best-selling diaries.

Beneath his gruff and shiny leather exterior, Russian man-nanny is actually a big softie at heart. Under his tutelage and care, you will:
- be serenaded to sleep each night by the soothing sounds of tATu
- be entertained by wonderful read-aloud classics such as "Crime and Punishment" and "One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich"
- acquire a taste for a dash of vodka in breast milk
- learn how to survive bitter winters with just a brightly coloured blanket made out of ostrich feathers
- find your pram being used to smuggle fine Beluga caviar

But also know that Russian man-nanny is a stern disciplinarian and he will not hesitate to have your worst playpen enemies whacked. Nobody likes a tattler.

Put yourself in control of your own caregiver and order one now. They're flying out of the agencies even faster than Russian amputee ladies. Expect to pay a premium for one with prison tattoos.

Another blog to visit: Red Apple - Simply a guide for absolutely-normal-women who want to see their life a bit through rose-coloured spectacles thanks to a pair of sandals, a new bag or some sunglasses. And having a chat with friends in front a coffee.

Monday, November 14

You Like, You Buy Vol 35

Property! Come one, come all, get it while it's hot. As you can see, every dog and his man has been holding out for the territory's first listed Real Estate Investment Trust. Those with a few extra million to spare have also been splurging on the real thing, but not just any old bricks and mortar. With names like Chianti, Caribbean Coast and One Silversea, this town is not want for faux-sophisticated living.

One such example is Centre Stage, the apartment block, not the best goddamn ballet movie ever to be made. Upon visiting its website (, you will know luxury, whether it wants to know you or not. For starters, Chinese people have been barred from this part of the neighbourhood.

Unless you count the management staff who you must avoid direct eye to eye contact with because what's the point, they all look the same anyway.

The state-of-the-art security system is such that you can draw the blinds, wear very little, balance yourself on one foot and indulge in some guilty pleasures like back-to-back episodes of Laguna Beach: The Real OC.

The dining room is spacious enough to allow for an impromptu drum performance that will make even the gaudiest chandelier rattle.

There is an abundance of luxury retailers nearby, selling feathers by the pound and clothes that make your torso eerily similar to Jabba the Hutt's.

Also in the vicinity are amazingly hip lounge bars where you can select at your leisure, the smarmy bastard of your choice to ply you with drink and take you home for lousy sex.

But when all is said and done, it is the quality of the fittings and the finishes that is most impressive. The only thing that can take the attention away from the meticulous craftsmanship is a guy in a ladies' trenchcoat.

Sunday, November 13

Store in a cool dry closet, away from light and air

I would normally caution against wearing this much brown but I'll make an exception for the Chocolate Show. Here is a choice selection of images from this week's exhibition in New York. If you look closely, you will realise that one of these things is not like the others.