Friday, March 10

She always seemed like the type of wine-taster who swallowed

The most overused phrases in tasting notes for Savanna Samson's premium quality Sogno Uno

Rounded and fully mature but somewhat lacking in purity

Exhibits long nicely formed legs and a playful nose

Sweet but slightly tart which presents a nice spicy twist

Suitable for standing up or laying down

Supple-bodied, voluptuous and velvety in texture

Very versatile, can be paired with meat or vegetables

Huge mouth-filling palate is a real crowdpleaser

Promises to age nicely for 5-8 more years when it will develop overlays of leather in its well-stuffed bouquet

Tight and firm with layers of ripe fruit but opened gradually to reveal a surprising depth

Classically dry and fleshy on the back end

Packs a load of pleasantly creamy flavours

Impressive length and explosive finish that lasted 20-30 seconds

Thursday, March 9

The Posh Commandments

Strange forces seem to be afoot with the ex-Spice girls. No sooner had Victoria started dispensing style commandments from a mountaintop, when Geri began to fervently sermonise over her immaculate conception. What next, Emma Bunton is going to turn up in a reality show set in the belly of a whale?

Given Victoria's media omnipresence, it does seem appropriate for her pronouncements to carry such sacred weight. It won't be long before she makes believers out of us so why resist the divine plan for her flock? Let her shine a lamp on your path and point the way to a posh and charmed life:

1. Thou shalt not have no fashion icons before me, except maybe Kate Moss (or Duchess Camilla if thou are visibly getting on in age and unable to wear a Robert Cavalli leopard print mini with confidence)

2. Apart from fashion magazine bumper issues, thou shalt be wary of picking up any other reading material that requires more than just a cursory flipthrough

3. Thou shalt bear false witness in relation to allegations that thy hardened cantaloupes that pass for breasts have had some work done

4. If thou wanna be my lover thou gotta get with my friends

5. Thou shalt covet thy neighbour's Rock & Republic "VB" jeans so badly it hurts

6. Remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou labour and do all thy shopping. On the seventh day thou shalt rest in a tanning booth, wearing nothing but oversized glasses and a surly expression.

7. Thou shalt not eat

8. Thy husband shalt not commit adultery and then leave behind evidence in the form of raunchy SMS text messages

9. In the event of no. 8, thou shalt publicly humiliate him by making dubious fashion statements as a couple.

10. At thy friend Elton's wedding, thou shalt dress like thou are trying to turn a gay man straight but end up achieving the opposite effect

Wednesday, March 8

I am woman hear me roar

Happy International Women's Day! I hope you celebrated this special day the only way women know how - by getting your hair and nails done, then going shopping followed afterwards by a spot of high tea and idle gossip. While history is littered with famous females who pioneered change in traditional gender roles and attitudes, there are still plenty of remarkable women who continue to carry on the good fight. Let's give thanks to some of these women. They shall remain nameless but I think you can guess who they are just from their achievements alone.

Women who have brought peace to troubled regions where similarly-named men before them have failed

Women who have risen to a position of such economic power that they are the main breadwinners of their families

Women who are not afraid to stand up and fight for their legal rights, thus creating trail-blazing precedents for women seeking to marry and outlive wheelchair-bound oil billionaires

Women who have devoted their life to defying mortality

Closer to home, we have China's own Ice Queen (back by popular demand) who took her first plunge into the freezing waters of the Songhua river as a means of getting over her divorce. See in China, you don't get the option of starring in a movie with Vince Vaughn and making him your rebound guy.

And so we salute you Ms Ice Queen because you chose to put on something bright purple and go swimming rather than do Vanity Fair interviews or pose for a GQ spread. May your magical ruby slippers take you wherever you want to go.

Tuesday, March 7

Nice body, pity about the face

Right now Anna Piaggi and I are sharing the same level of displeasure at Paris Fashion Week. Dutifully we both sat through show after show only to be greeted with an unceasing parade of ghastliness. The clothes, as one has come to expect were hideous. But this time round the models themselves were even more hideous, making it extremely difficult for us to feel genetically inferior and therefore thoroughly ruining the whole Fashion Week experience for many of us.

What kind of two-bit talentless booking agents were working these shows? How can hard can it be just to flip through the books and just pick a gangly Balkan teenager who looks like they've just been plucked from a life of street urchinery? The designers and their crew tried to make do with what little they had but even their most sophisticated tricks couldn't fool me.

Not even the most talented cosmetic artists could help the poor girl. After spending hours in expensive makeup, she still didn't scrub up well!

I knew something (but not exactly what) was up when Vivienne Westwood trotted out the old "put a bag over her head" routine. I imagine that the problem must lie with her nose and/or mouth because her eyes look perfectly normal to me.

This model's head was so shrunken and deformed that she couldn't even fit the hat they gave her.

Despite the flimsy attempts to cover up the model's abnormalities, it became painfully obvious, even to those in the back rows, that she was ready for velveting.

Some models were sent out with a bevy of gamefowl attached to their faces in the hope that the mad fluttering that ensued would somehow distract from their less than acceptable looks.

Unfortunately for Viktor & Rolf, all of their girls had been beaten with the ugly stick before their hair was immaculately blown and styled. Fortunately for Viktor & Rolf, they were also in possession of discarded props from many James Bond movies, including the one where Madonna appeared as a lesbian fencing instructor for all of 2 minutes.

Another blog to visit: ShoeSense - Faut-il souffrir pour être belle?

Monday, March 6

All the ladies love the Clooney

Can anybody remember an Oscar ceremony when Salma Hayek's breasts weren't the high point of the evening? This year, it was all about celebrating the silver-haired lotharioism of George Clooney. What a night, what a man! He swept up the first Oscar and the madly palpitating hearts of every woman in the process of doing so. Indeed it was hard to ignore all the cleavage that turned out in support of him. Once the awards were handed out, the competition definitely didn't stop there.

Oscar tradition dictates that the best supporting actor and actress go home together, no matter how heavily pregnant one of them may be.

What say we ditch my deadweight husband and go someplace quiet and alone to toast our victories?

Remember me George? I'm not the same petulant young ingenue who made out ferociously with you in Out of Sight. I've changed George..changed so much...just give me a chance and you'll see how different I am now...

Back off Aniston, I'm going after him. Don't try anything funny like flipping your hair or I'll punch you in the face again.

Looking for a good time baby? Why don't you buy us a drink and hang out for a little while? Let's get to know each other better. We'll even throw in a discount because you won an Oscar.

I know how much you like breasts so I had some drawn in for you.

Don't look there, look over here! Just follow the arrows and you won't get lost.

Hey George, you do realize that I have these, right?

Señor Clooney, I believe you were looking for these?

Ahem. George, I believe you were looking for these.


Sorry girls, the man's made his choice. Rest assured he'll have somewhere to rest his weary Oscar figurine tonight.

Badge of honour

And so it seems that actresses have taken to wearing bows as a signifier of their commitment to serious acting roles and Sports Illustrated photoshoots.