Friday, July 22

I'll be there for you

So no one told you life was gonna be this way (clapclapclapclapclap)

Your job's a joke,

You're broke,

Your love life's DOA (aaaaaaaay)

It's like you're stuck in second gear

When it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year

But, I'll be there for you (when the rain starts to pour)
I'll be there for you (like I've been there before)
I'll be there for you ('cause you're there for me too)

Thursday, July 21

Bring on the dolls

How scary is a piece of string? Scary enough to make your bowels involuntarily release if you're sitting alone at home one night, browsing the net for something, anything to take your mind off the news that Al Pacino is hoo-hahing all over Rose McGowan and all of a sudden the String Doll Gang spring out at you when you're at your most vulnerable.

It doesn't help that the creepiest ones are the ones that are intended to be cute. Take for example Gossip Girl who's chewed off all her fingers to keep from spilling the secrets she found out while obssessively stalking people over the internet. Heart Throbber is another one you need to watch your back around. Oh, what a cute stripey leotard and sweatband, is the little cutie off to aerobics class now? No, he's returned from aerobics class and guess what's in the bag? The dismembered body parts of the perky blonde at the front who likes to flirt with the instructor. Alas she will cardio funk no more.

Then there's Lover Boy who I think I briefly dated a long ago. It didn't work out because our dates were always the same - watch a movie, stop by the butcher for a fresh raw heart for him to snack on, then his eyesockets would start weeping blood and we'd have to call it a night. I also grew tiresome of those infernal red cutoffs very quickly.

Captain Bad isn't so frightening looks-wise but his parenting skills are atrocious. My advice to Captain Bad is to get one of those office jobs with the word "process" or "support" in the title that offers a decent salary and regular working hours. That way you can support your son Collin the Pirate properly instead of sending back the odd worthless Spanish doubloon and he doesn't have to break in cars for lunch money.

The String Doll Gang come with a warning that they shouldn't be bought for kids under 8. I don't see how any child could have prepared for such trauma in 8 short years. It's not as if they turn 8 and then POW! BAM! they've totally conquered their childhood fears. Bring on the bedroom shadows! Bring on Requiem for a Dream while you're at it too!

I recommend that you wait until your child turns about 18 before you carefully expose them to such things. Once they've come to accept the twine mutants with barely concealed uneasiness, you can then slowly wean them onto the Forget Me Not dolls. Damn. I just ruined another pair of pants and the computer chair.

Wednesday, July 20

Hong Kong Fashion Week Challenge

Every time Hong Kong holds a Fashion Week some foreign upstarts inevitably muscle their way in and try to show us up on home turf. Last week was no different when we were faced with the South Korean invasion that threatened to convert all of us into Bae Yong-Joon's hanbok-wearing minions.

Let's take a look at how our local designers fared in this sartorial challenge. In the left corner Korea, and in the right corner Hong Kong. Best of 3 rounds!

Round 1

Things get off to a faltering start for the Koreans when they grossly underestimate the opposition. They think that they can just waltz in here and haphazardly applique their way to victory. How little do they know that this is nothing new for us. People wear this sort of stuff into work everyday. In contrast the unbridled ingenuity of Hong Kong manifests itself in a versatile creation. It's a pleated mini..a capelet...a pair of lowriding wait, an apron..oh I give up.

Round 2

Wow, what an amazing comeback. The Koreans quickly find their footing and shine through with judicious use of denim, pickled cabbage and a shredder. Hong Kong fails to step up and instead hires an anime fanboy to churn out a terribly uninspiring costume. It does nothing for me except to get the Benny Hill theme song stuck in my head. Advantage Korea!

Round 3

Without going into too much analysis, I think we can pretty much hand victory to Hong Kong on a platter.

What a struggle that was! The local talent may have won this time but we must recognise that there's still plenty of room for improvement. Their designs are certainly worthy of praise but it's not exactly Italian couture now, is it?

Tuesday, July 19

Chocolate merchandise

Let me just say how pleased I am with the new Charlie and the Chocolate Factory movie. Firstly because we get to see Johnny Depp dressed in something out of Dior Homme's Autumn/Winter 2006 collection. Secondly because I love love love movie merchandise!

What I've seen so far holds promise and ranges from plush pillows to Willy Wonka's oversized sunglasses which are seen on Nicole Ritchie above (who is a fan of a different kind of candy all together). It's money well spent and you will take these items out of the attic and dust them off fondly when the sequel is released.

The movie has also provided the opportunity for the timely release of the Chocolate Shirt. The decals look like real chocolate but they aren't real chocolate but they smell like real chocolate. Clearly there is technology going on here that I can't even begin to comprehend, although I bet it involves pheromones of small rodentlike creatures.

As you walk around in your Chocolate Shirt, wafting in your sweetness, you will notice a change in people's attitudes towards you. They may appear more relaxed around you, they may want to linger around you for more than 5 seconds, they may even...crave you!

Wait, what's that? Are some of you suggesting that while Roald Dahl novels often contain mature underlying themes that have equal relevance to the fantasy worlds in which they are set and the real world, this stuff is a bit too childish for your taste? Well in that case, I can't help you other than to gesture vaguely in the direction of the movie afterparty.

Monday, July 18

Fashion Roadkill of the Day: Vol 35

Subtitled "Bad Hair Bonanza!"

You can see in my profile over there --------> that I'm not exactly fond of Asians who dye their hair blonde. As I can't solely express in words why I find it all kinds of wrong, I have relied on a little pictorial assistance. Soon you'll come to appreciate that a picture is worth a thousand words, or in this case a thousand nightmares.

Ah, the bad dye job that was done to fix up bad highlights. Something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. It's enough to turn someone's head from fried ass into refried ass. But don't think that it's just the females who have issues with Clairol Born Blonde Maxi.

Guys, guys, guys why the blonde? Changing your hair colour isn't going to turn you into a Butterscotch Stallion or a nanny-screwing Lothario like Jude Law. In fact, your biggest worry has nothing to do with lusty women and everything to do with regrowth.

Sometimes the undergrowth is so uncontrollable that it will have you lighting up on the street corner and approaching women with lines such as "Permit me to introduce myself. I am Pepe Le Pew, your lover. You may call me Streetcar, because of my desire for you!"

Then there are those who think that a partial dyejob amounts to the same street cred as a baseball cap worn at a rebellious angle. Little do they realise that two-tone is only appropriate where a tabby cat is concerned.

You'd think it's just the folly of youth that drives the people to such ill-conceived madness. But no, the older one gets, the more likely they are to try for a natural strawberry blonde and fail miserably.

All of this means there's no such thing as the blue rinse set in Hong Kong. It's really more of a Donald Trump set.