Saturday, January 15

You Like, You Buy Vol 20

In ad campaigns for many Hong Kong fashion brands, there is nary an Asian face to be seen. On a scale of 1 to 10 about things that are quaint to a foreign visitor in Hong Kong (10 being the quaintest), this phenomenon rates about a 6.5. The freakiest example I can think of is Bossini (, makers of basic casualwear. Their clothes are terribly unexciting but are inexpensive and great for pottering about at home (if wearing pyjamas all day feels entirely too decadent) and running short errands around the neighbourhood that aren't at the instigation of the local crime boss. Really, nobody hotwires a car or whacks somebody while wearing Bossini.

Despite having the motto of "Colour Our World" and no stores outside of East Asia, I see only blonde preppy Tommy Ralph Nautica Lauren Hilfiger types on the Bossini site.





Brother, can you spare a brunette? Well of course not, because there aren't any left after these Von Trapp children decided not to climb every mountain choosing instead to remain in the wilderness and propagate the master race.

Western models are extremely popular in Hong Kong partly because we Chinese like admiring beautiful foreigners with their flaxen hair, high-bridged noses and most of all their deep set eyes that allow for easy eyeshadow application. The epicanthal fold does not make for good advertising.

I myself have long harboured secret desires to have Caucasian features so that I can be more easily recognisable to others. I know of at least 2 foreign expat acquaintances who wouldn't be able to pick me from a police lineup otherwise composed of old Chinese men who polish shoes in Theater Lane. And they're Lawyers too. Professionals with their legally trained eyes that don't miss aberrant paragraph spacing and fontage and with their impressive mental faculties as honed by expensive law school educations. I can't fault them though. Sometimes, I take my mother out shopping and when I get home I find that I've brought the wrong lady back. It happens to the best of us.

Blog of the day: Karma to Burn is nominated as Best Victorian Blog and Best New Australian Blog in the 2005 Australian Blog Awards.

Friday, January 14

Celebrity Lingerie 3-Way Smackdown

Only a couple more days and Intimate Apparel Week will finally be over! It's getting tiresome going about my daily routine in nothing but a lacy underthing. At least I had a better week than Nicolette Sheridan. Topping Mr Blackwell's Worst Dressed List AND catching the flu from naked household chores in the same week. It can only get better from now on, Nicolette!

Well since it's Friday I think you know what it's time for. Don't play dumb with me, I cannot abide by that crap. You know very well it's time for CELEBRITY LINGERIE 3-WAY SMACKDOWN!!!!


In the red corner, is current titleholder Elle McPherson. It's a big night for Elle so she's got her no-nonsense Intimates Tuxedo set on.

In the blue corner, we have the challenger, Kylie Minogue wearing her Vixen bra (fine French lace and stretch mesh fabric detail) paired with Lucky knickers ( rouched bum seams, organza trims, ribbon tie sides and diamante logos). We've seen these knickers before, not just in the Love Kylie collection but in her previous winning matches.

And in this corner decorated with white lilies, the other challenger Jennifer Lopez is kitted out in a pink satin and fishnet bustier with a chiffon embroidery fanny wrap. That sure is some fighting lingerie and certainly in the Antipodes where the word fanny is not thrown around lightly.

The bell rings.

Jennifer starts off by shaking her booty at Elle. Elle ducks. Kylie jumps in, starts to choke Jennifer. Can she take her down? Jennifer throws Kylie into the ropes. But Elle's waiting and slingshots Kylie right back into Jennifer. Down on the mat they both go! Elle dives onto them. Her face meets...Jennifer's platform heels! Knee right in the face again. Jennifer rolls off, side ass block!

Jennifer slowly comes up. "CHOLOS!!" she screams. She rips off her fanny wrap to reveal a Fancy pants satin thong with velvet bow. The crowd goes wild. Elle strikes...a pose. Oh you work it, girl. She gets clotheslined by Jennifer. Elle's hard on the mat! It's almost over! Almost! For a count of two! She's back up! One more second and her Bendon-clad ass would have been gone.

Elle and Kylie double team Jennifer. Chop right in the guts. Cheekbone hook! Jennifer falls back. There's nowhere to go! Elle pulls Jennifer by the hair...slams her face into the guard rail! "That's for Gigli" she shouts. Oh that's gotta hurt. Kylie stomps in, here she goes. Remember both women's powerful booties. Kylie dropkicks Jennifer out of the ring. Oh no! It's all over for Jennifer. The Latin-American dream is no more! Quicker than she can say "I do" and sign the divorce papers.

It's simply amazing, the quality of the lingerie we have here tonight. Not one piece has been ripped apart yet. Kylie takes Elle, good tackle! Tries for...tries to pin her....oh so close! Elle catches Kylie in a side leg sweep. Wait, they've decided to abandon any pretense at wrestling moves. They've switched to hair-pulling. Yes, the nails have come out! Elle goes down caterwauling. Kylie's now straddling Elle, slapping her repeatedly. There's a real punishing being administered here. The crowd is getting aroused by the sweaty writhing. Even the referee is blushing.

Kylie's got Elle trapped in a head scissors. Elle is tiring quickly, trying to get out. Kylie, now, takes her time, she's spinning around (she knows we're feeling her cause we like it this), it's fantastic. Like one of Kylie's music videos. Can Elle hold on? Yes..maybe...No! Kylie finishes Elle off with a spinning head kick. That's a three count!

Hang on, what's this? We have a new challenger? Ladies and gentlemen, Liz Hurley has entered the ring. In all my years of wrestling commentary I have never seen the likes of this before. She's wearing..her self-designed Invisible Lingerie. It's exactly as I described. Liz has brought a weapon. Look at this...Liz gets into position. Bosom heave, SWINGS her king-sized goose down pillow. SMACK! Kylie's knocked out cold!

Ding ding ding! I think we have a winner!

Thursday, January 13

My skincare line

If I were to have a line of skincare products I would call it Countess Bathory. Yes, she was a noblewoman who tortured and murdered hundreds of girls, then bathed in her victims' blood, but my wealthy clients will be blinded by the prestige of her name alone. Once they find out she did it to keep herself looking young and she only victimised the lower classes, they will nod understandingly anyway. The packaging could even be designed to resemble vials of blood. I'm into little details like that.

I would hire sales minions to pounce on clueless women (much like the Countess did) and manipulate them into purchasing expensive skin-care regimens. My staff would have flawless skin and be adept at making condescending remarks about their customers' complexions. You'll also need this product for your T-zone my dear, we could practically fry an egg on you right now but let's not because it's past breakfast! Besides you look like you don't need the extra food anyway. Titter! Countess Bathory's spokesmodel would be a teen starlet who hasn't worn out her skin through hard partying. Or Angelina Jolie wearing a vial of blood taken from whoever her plump lips are kissing these days.

And of course I would take great pleasure in personally naming all of the products, making sure that there's one in each of these categories:

Scientific terms that could have been uttered by a nuclear scientist looking like Denise Richards in a tight tank top and short shorts
Cellular Cycle Ampoules for the Face (La Prairie)
Phosphatidyl - E with Tocotrienols Lipid Bi-Layer Repair Face Treatment (NV Perricone MD)
Restorative Amino-3P Firming Treatment (Boscia)

Hyphen frenzy
Dermo-Expertise Refinish Micro-Dermabrasion (L'Oreal)
Total Double Serum Multi-Regenerant Age-Control Extra-Firming Serum (Clarins)
Aquasource Ultra-Moisturizing Oligo-Thermal Cream Gel (Biotherm)

Anything that threatens to distort the physics of time
No Age Age-Defense Refining Essence (Dior)
Authority Age-Release Serum (Awake)
Retroactive Age Reversal Cream (Avon)

Random Vegetation
Cleansing Milk with Gentian (Clarins)
Wild Lettuce Toner (Burt's Bees)
Nightcream with Collagen and Woodmallow (Sisley)

Random number
Capture R60/80 Intense Wrinkle Night Fluid (Dior)
Prestige 20+10 Nutri-Restoring Fluid (Dior)
Vital Eye Q10 Plus Energy Complex (Juvena)

Bad Puns
Eye believe eye cream (Philosophy)
True Pore-fection Spot Clearing Treatment (Avon)
Sheer Matteness (Clinique)

Ecological Compound (Sisley)
Water Manager Emulsion (Laneige)
Truth Serum (Ole Henricksen)
Very Very UV Cut Milk ('s a Japanese brand so that explains a lot)
Blemish Double Agent (Biore)

Sounding vaguely indecent
Moist charge pack (Fancl)
Night Rhythmic Conditioner (Dr Hauschka)
Botanical buffing beads (Peter Thomas Roth)
High potency serum (Obagi)
Cucumber facial wipes (Boots)
Desincrustant lotion (Darphin)

It just occurred to me that there are many like-minded people out there. They are either planning to be or are already a part of the billion dollar skincare industry. Every few weeks, they "update" their brand with the same products re-released under new names and new packaging. We (i.e. women collectively, plus the handful of men who pride themselves on supple skin) are totally and utterly screwed.

Wednesday, January 12

HK Bridal Special: Chapter 2

It has come to my attention that Hong Kong brides are eschewing the veil for alternative headgear. There's no shame in substituting the veil for some fresh flowers in the hair or a decorative hair clip. A tiara's acceptable too if losing the Homecoming Queen title by a couple of votes still hurts after all these years.

But what happens when the bride decides to festoon herself with something more unsightly than orthondotic headgear. Why oh why is it always up to me to set the record straight on these matters. From hereon the following do not qualify as bridal headgear:

Starched table napkins. And I suppose that would be a serviette ring on your finger.

Upright lace doilies. As a general rule, learn to make the distinction between what should go on a table and what should go on your head.

Derby or bowler hats. The last thing you want to called on your wedding day, no matter how affectionately, is The Little Tramp.

Crumpled tissue wrap and random bits of foil. That's just plain rude. All the guests will know that you've already opened the presents and exchanged the unsuitable ones for store credit.

Foliage. It will wilt faster than your bouquet. You'll find yourself having to dash off to the wedding fountain every hour to freshen up.

Lampshade covers. People will notice. And ask questions. Is her drinking problem back again? Will she be dancing on the tabletops later on?

Plumage. Unless you want the whole congregation to know about your Vegas showgirl roots as you high-kick your way down the aisle.

Flecks of an unidentified milky substance. Save it for the wedding night you crazy kids.

Brides to be, there may be times when you feel compelled to take fashion risks for the sake of something so stupid as individuality. Your wedding day is not that time. In fact any occasion where there will be more than 3 people present is not that time.

Blog of the day: Brave our Burbs is nominated as Best Victorian Blog, Best Humourous Australian Blog and Best New Australian Blog in the 2005 Australian Blog Awards.

Tuesday, January 11

Heidi Klum Juggernaut

Belated congratulations to Heidi Klum for getting engaged to Seal, a man of overly long sentences and too many prepositions.
"I proposed on Dec. 23 at 14,000 feet in Whistler, B.C., in uncharted terrain on a glacier, in a natural snow cave, in an igloo built just for the moment," Seal tells PEOPLE magazine.

While she prepares for marital bliss, the Heidi Klum promotional juggernaut continues to steamroll its way across the Forbes Celebrity 100 list. Recognising that there are people out there who want to succeed in life (and not aim for somewhere around the middle the way I usually do), Heidi published a self-help book last year called Heidi Klum's Body of Knowledge.

There are over 400 high quality photographs that can be categorised in 2 categories: with underwear and without underwear. But the book is more than an extended Sports Illustrated calendar, because Heidi has something she wants to say to ordinary folk like us. Here's an excerpt:

See Heidi. See Heidi pose. Heidi is working it. Go, Heidi, go.
Here is Heidi. Here are Heidi's boobs. Here are Heidi's boobs again. And again.

See Heidi run. Heidi running in shoes. BUY Heidi's shoes.

Heidi smells nice. Because Heidi wears perfume. BUY Heidi Klum Perfume. Oh look, shower gel and body lotion too. BUY everything. BUY it all.

Diamonds are pretty. Heidi is pretty. You can be pretty. BUY 18kt white gold and diamond bracelet from The Heidi Klum Collection. Pretty diamonds, pretty Heidi and pretty you.

Heidi eats candies. A lot. But Heidi stays slim. So so slim. BUY Heidi's candies. Bulk discount available.

Turn tv on. I can't see Heidi. Where is she? Heidi's on cable, stupid. Subscribe to BravoTV. Watch Heidi's show.

Help Heidi grow. Help Heidi grow into multimillion dollar empire. "Thanks," says Heidi. Heidi is rich! Thanks, suckers, thanks.

Monday, January 10

Public Service Announcement

Has anyone else received this chain email?

Everybody, pls take note!!
The Tsunami happened in SW countries of China was predicted by the Chinese traditional farmer prediction system accurately. It also tell there is another one in NE countries of China (Japan and Korea) in 2005. Which is being confirmed by the geographical scientist already. So, don't plan your trip to Korea or Japan in 2005.

One more thing, I guess you may heard about the "White Dragon King" in Thailand, right? Michael's friend went to Thailand and visit him before 26 Dec. The White Dragon King asked her to leave Thai immediately as there is a disaster coming. So she left and escape from the disaster. However, he also asked her not to go outside and stay at home in HK on 8 Feb (Year 30th) after 9:00 pm. He said something bad will happen in HK at that period. Inform your families or friends if possible.

I'm not saying that it's a sure thing, nor am I saying that it's as fake as this woman's uh...everything. I'm just putting it out there, that's all. If you're not familiar with the White Dragon King, he's reputed to be a fortune teller of formidable skill. I have no doubt in my mind that he's more accurate than the one I visited last year. For an extra $100 she could also generate an Excel spreadsheet of lucky shopping days and recommend a good mobile phone plan. Over a private reading by the side of a noisy footbridge she confidently revealed that William Hung would disappear from the public spotlight by the end of 2004. I cannot describe how happy I was to hear such news.

2005 rolls around, and much to my dismay, guess who has a new movie out (I believe, judging from the picture below, it's called Prom Date from Hell).

I want my money back. With interest.

Blog of the day: The Swanker is nominated as Best Designed Australian Blog in the 2005 Australian Blog Awards.

Sunday, January 9

Fashion Roadkill of the Day: Vol 23

UPDATE: I've been thinking about it and you know what, having five different flavours of toothpaste isn't quite enough. Who is Marvis kidding, that doesn't even cover the whole week. I'm so glad that somebody thought about it this way before I did and created the Margaret Josefin breath palette. With 31 flavours, you can go for a whole month without repetition. Mallrat, you'll be pleased to know that bitter chocolate is in there (no. 25). No honeycomb though, you'll have to make do with honey (no. 8).

Lately I've been getting visually assaulted by ladies proudly wearing their winter whites. In particular, white stockings paired with white shoes, when the owners aren't even nurses or runaway brides.

As you may well know, Hong Kong is one of the most densely populated areas of the world. The average population density is 6,250 per square kilometre and in some areas it can go up to 200,000 per square kilometre. That's not a lot of room to move about in. Inevitably people are going to get in each other's way and toes will get stepped on. By the time the crowds are done with them, your white shoes will be looking decidedly offoffoffwhite:

I want to spare these ladies the fate of being transformed from pristine ice princess to filthy sludge scullery maid. Therefore I'd like to introduce that rule about not wearing white shoes before Easter or after Labor Day into Hong Kong. Then amend it so that it applies to ANY time of the year and have an expensive government campaign built around it. Something along the lines of the tv campaigns in North Korea to promote state-approved haircuts. Can you believe they ran after people with a camera to capture their fashion indiscretions? Absurd!

I would be delighted to host similar tv segments in Hong Kong and demonstrate what shoes can and can't be worn. For example, I approve of shoes in this colour:

However the rest of the outfit has to go. Since when did we become a nation, or more accurately speaking a Special Administrative Region, of mimes?

Blog of the day: Dawei's House of Debauchery and Beeyotching is nominated as Best Queensland Blog, Best Humourous Blog and Best Australian Personal blog in the 2005 Australian Blog Awards.