All this speculation is driving me crazy

In between the constant procreation and divorcing, we haven't had a big-ass celebrity wedding in a while. The leadup to any celebrity nuptials is always fraught with rumour, misinformation and plain untruths. Given that the media have been unable to unearth anything of substance thus far, I am compelled to publicise these juicy details so that they may be savoured like lip-smacking hors d'oeuvres before the main event.

Weather
While on a recent promotional trip to Shanghai, Nicole picked up a team of weather modifiers at the famous Xiang Yang market. Since arriving in Sydney the team has been working round the clock to ensure that there will be clear skies on the all important day.

Cake
Master artisans have crafted a tall multi-layered cake in a pale pastel pink, generally resembling Nicole in the Chanel couture gown she wore for the 2002 Oscars.

Dress
We have seen the frightening speed with which "formal" shorts have established themselves as a red carpet fixture. The bride will take this one step further by incorporating a pair in her wedding gown. This will cement Nicole's status as one of cinema's leading fashion icons and cause fashion commentators to marvel at her ability to perfect the whole classic style with a modern twist look. However she will keep people guessing by only deciding at the last minute whether to wear the shorts with bare legs or under a layer of chiffon.


Menu
As Nicole is a fussy eater, the menu has been painstakingly crafted to accommodate her delicate tastes. Guests are rumoured to be in for a special high-protein treat as Australian customs have confirmed larger than normal deliveries of surplus whale meat from Japan into Sydney.

Videography
The ceremony and reception will be filmed by Baz Luhrmann. There will be several lavish musical numbers and the public can expect to view the entire spectacle when it is released in theatres early next year, competing headon with the JJ Abrams-directed Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes wedding.

Hair
It is most likely that the bride will choose a classic updo, with curls cascading down the back for a soft and romantic look. The groom will keep it simple with sleek hair cut into long layers and highlighted in cream and honey blonde a la Jennifer Aniston on her wedding day.

Honeymoon
The happy couple have reportedly booked out the Wakaya Club Resort in Fiji for their weeklong honeymoon. Incidentally this is also the same place where Tori Spelling got married for the second time. Staff at the Wakaya Club Resort have said that despite Nicole's A-list status, she should not expect extra-special star treatment because unlike Tori, her father was not responsible for some of the greatest shows ever to grace television screens.

The vows
While it is not clear whether Keith will be using the lyrics of one of his country ballads in his vows, Nicole will be taking a more pragmatic approach:
I, Nicole Mary Kidman, take thee, Keith "not Karl" Urban
To be my lawfully wedded husband
secure in the knowledge that
you will not succumb to drugs and booze again
for fear of being penalised by our watertight prenup
in the presence of God and more importantly all these celebrities
to stay by your side as your wife
in thinness and in pallor
in shininess as well as icy aloofness
through the good times and the not-so-bad
I promise to stop giving inane interviews professing that "I still love Tom"
trim your hair when it grows past shoulder length
make this marriage last longer than Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney's
have your baby and stop acknowledging that Isabella and Conor exist
encourage you to continue liking women instead of men
joke with you about not being able to wear high heels
be open and honest with you about what really went on inside the Co$
and cherish you until adultery do us part.

It's all about the bottom line

Oh free market competition what hast thou wrought? At last we have come to know the tyranny of maximising shareholder value. In their endless pursuit of profit, even the high-end fashion houses have succumbed to cutting corners in dramatic ways. Well not so much corners but entire sections of clothing. Anne Hathaway was so mortified with her designer gown at the "Devil Wears Prada" premiere she was heard telling co-star Meryl Streep: "Oh my god, where is the rest of this dress? How am I going to push up my boobs properly? My acting career is dead now!"


Due to rising fabric prices and labour costs, designers have seen fit to do away with the entire front panelling of their dresses. This spells disaster for bra manufacturers and with necklines tipped to recede to pubic level by the end of the year, underwear companies are also feeling the pressure. It seems that only the makers of double sided tape have something to smile about these days.


Swimsuits, already small on fabric as they are, were early casualties of the profit squeeze. Industry experts explain that removing half of the swimsuit is necessary to ensure that tanlines are consistent with regular attire.


But are changing consumer habits to blame for this downsizing? Surveys have shown that women are more inclined to spend money on technology and gadgets these days than on a full dress. "Sure, I might need to squeeze the sides of my chest together to create artificial cleavage," says model Brittany Brower. "But now that I've got myself a new T-Mobile Sidekick people find me way more interesting and whenever I go out, I have heaps of guys wanting to give me their numbers."


Besides Anne Hathaway, several other well-endowed celebrities have professed their displeasure with the latest fashion developments. Jessica Simpson found out the hard way when her outfits arrived for her Maxim's cover shoot and there was 20% less than expected. The skimpy garments were inconsistent with the theme of the pictorial which promised "Jessica as you've never seen her!" and was meant to feature her in a variety of uncharacteristic situations including being engrossed in a book, engaging in intelligent discourse and lively debate with Stephen Hawking and opening her mouth in a non-suggestive way.

The original plans were scrapped in light of the wardrobe bungle and although the shoot eventually went ahead Simpson complained that it was difficult for her to look contemplative and serious while posing in a cost-saving version of the classic black turtleneck. A frustrated Simpson says: "I feel that my fans have been cheated because of these stupid new clothes. I just hope that they will pick up a copy of the magazine anyway and look beyond the pictures and read what I have to say." Until fashion executives give the greenlight to start designing again for the sake of style rather than profit, Simpson and her fans will just have to wait a little longer for her fully-clothed centrefold.

Next update: Friday June 23

Lowered to a thrice weekly dose

Yeah baby, it's the summer of work! More documentation, please! Once again work rears its ugly head and lays waste to my precious leisure time. This is not a welcome development, especially coming after the crushing news that I did not win Powerball. As a result, blogging will be down to three days a week - Monday, Wednesday, Friday. On the other two days, I will be fulfilling the terms of my indentured servitude.

The weekends will also be an entirely lost cause. Gone are any plans I had of gallivanting around on the beach like this:



Instead I envisage spending my time indoors pushing paper while emitting the listless buzzing sounds of a lowly worker-drone. By fall, I shall emerge from my cell, looking pale and somewhat gaunt. I don't expect people to recognise me immediately but I will expect to be offered some juicy horror film roles.



Next update: Wednesday 21 June