Friday, June 3

Get the Look

Wouldn't it be great to look like someone who moves regularly in high-fashion circles instead of the counterfeit street markets? People might start quaking in mixed fear and adulation when you share a lift with them and give them the onceover. Plus, you can berate underlings for using last season's font in their memos. Whether you are male or female, there are some simple low-cost steps you can take to achieve "the look", hairwise at least.

Patrick McDonald

It is easy to resort to discount a stylemaker like Patrick McDonald a foppish peacock. Dandy schmandy. I won't hear a word against this man, this gaily-tinted soulmate to Vogue Italia's Anna Piaggi who isn't too shy to declare:
"I take the time to dress every day."

Do you know what else he also takes the time to do every day (besides apply makeup and tweeze)? He clearly trims, or has somebody trim, his whiskers into face slimming sideburns. Well you too can achieve the same tapered immaculate style with Prolook's Perfect Sideburns.

The simple design and demonstration looks fairly innocuous but it will completely blow your mind to know that this thing is capable of over 100 length and shape combinations. It's a tangram for your jowls.

Prolook can create up to six perfect sideburns in five minutes, meaning two perfect sideburns in...look, you do the bloody math. Just think of all that time saved. It can now be used for being simply fabulous!

Anna Wintour

Like the mighty Samson, a Vogue editor's awesome power comes from her hair:
Anna would stand there with the fringe hanging over her eyes, looking very sort of helpless, a waif-like look, but far from being a waif, and the men would just line up.

With an uncanny foresight, Prolook has also developed a tool for Perfect Bangs. It initially appears to be some sort of arcane orthondontic headgear but after watching the demonstration, you'll see that it works, it really works. The end result is a cute little girl, well on her way to becoming a glowering fashion tyrant.

You might be slightly overwhelmed by your glamourous transformation at first but steady your quivering knees. Be confident in the knowledge that you share the same philosophy as these respected fashion players: Bangs make women look Younger...and Sideburns make men look Bolder.

Thursday, June 2

Dysfunctionally ever after

Disturbing relationship dynamics in classic fairy-tales which I only noticed just now

Little Red Riding Hood
Little Red Riding-Hood undressed herself and went into bed, where, being greatly amazed to see how her grandmother looked in her night-clothes...
When fake grandma asked Red Riding-Hood to undress herself and come into bed with her, this should twigged the girl that something was not quite right, and that hey since when did grandma's cottage become Neverland ranch for little girls who can't hold their alcohol.

Jack and the Beanstalk
He amused himself a long time with his hen, and then sent his wife to bed, while he fell asleep by the fireside, and snored like the roaring of cannon.
The use of the hen, which I guess is a thinly veiled euphemism, suggests that the giant does indeed have urges. However the forced lack of intimacy also suggests performance problems or homosexual proclivities or both.

While supper was preparing, the giant was very ill-tempered and impatient, frequently lifting up his hand to strike his wife for not being quick enough.
This is quite inconvenient for the wife. Every time she goes to the market for provisions, she has to publicly denounce her own clumsiness so as not to raise suspicions - all the other villagers are simply amazed at the number of times she can accidentally walk into a door.

Then her mother gave her a knife and said, cut the toe off, when you are queen you will have no more need to go on foot.
Here we have a mother who is a bit of a famewhore and who has never heard of a shoe stretcher. The stuff that sells nasty tell-all memoirs about the horrors of growing up with a stage mum.

The Frog Prince
At length the frog said, "I have eaten and am satisfied, now I am tired, carry me into your little room and make your little silken bed ready, and we will both lie down and go to sleep."
Given that this was probably their first date, the amphibian's sense of entitlement is particularly galling. And what with his bulgy-eyed slimy physical shortcomings, you'd think that he would try and work on his personality and foreplay techniques.

Tom Thumb
And saying these words, without more ado, he cut the throats of all his seven daughters.
Some people face the burden of having to pay for seven lavish weddings a bit differently. On the plus side, Dad will save lots of money that would normally be spent on lipgloss and ra-ra miniskirts.

The Little Mermaid
The prince said she should remain with him always, and she received permission to sleep at his door, on a velvet cushion.
This is what getting a pair of legs gets you into - an emotionally abusive relationship as the prince's perpetual doormat. She should have stayed in the sea and hooked up with something more considerate like a sea anemone.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
And the seventh dwarf slept with his companions, one hour with each, and so got through the night.
At first Snow White probably thought it was a sweet deal - free lodging in return for doing basic household chores. Then she was faced with the prospect of cleaning the soiled sheets and picking up used prophylactics off the floorboards every morning (not to mention the lusty commotion at night) for the term of her natural life and bit into that poisoned apple as quickly as she could.

For more Jerry Springer Show-style antics, read the multi-coloured Fairy Books.

Updated! With commentary.

Wednesday, June 1

Miss Universe: tourism slogans

Did you really think you could get away with reading just one post on Miss Universe? No such luck my lovelies, as you'll have to bear with me with another bout of deliciously insane national costumes.

What exactly happens to these creations once the pageant is over and the contestants have died of embarrassment? In case you were wondering, they get carted off to official tourist boards. There they are put to good use in inspiring whizbang tourism slogans.

Welcome to Korea where our women double as marquees.

Put your fat pants on and visit Uruguay today!

A new improved Spain. We only confuse bulls now instead of killing them.

Fair Ireland - get there before migrating neon tortoises overrun our bonny isle.

Hello Germany! The nicest legs this side of the Danube. Our rack isn't too bad either.

Experience Slovenia. So much fun you'll wake up twisted in the bedsheets with a sparkly rash.

Inviting you to Mauritius. The dodo may be extinct but the shackles of modern-day slavery sure as hell aren't.

Tuesday, May 31

Miss Universe: The Major Players

O Canada! I had my doubts when you strode on the stage exceeding the allowable dimension and weight limits for plumage on clothing...but you powered through and proved beyond a doubt that you are the prettiest beaver on the block.

Miss Canada prevailed amidst the strong competition provided by the Latin American crowd, including:

Miss Nicaragua who was wheeled on stage as a spectacular marine-themed Mardi Gras float. If you look closely you can see tiny gay and lesbian people waving from vantage points on her shoulders and wrists.

Miss Ecuador and her ornamental toothpicks. Just kidding, no cultural insensitivity intended! This is actually what spoilt rich Incans wore on ski trips to the Andes.

Miss Guyana. Poor Miss Guyana never had a chance once she fell out with her pet man-eating plant over "creative differences". She did not appear again for the rest of the show but the plant went on to win the award for Miss Healthy Appetite.

And of course the scintillating beauty of Miss Venezuela. *Sigh* It's as if Cher never ended her farewell tour.

By stark comparison the pageantry attire of some of the so-called world "powers" was disappointingly sub-par and not in line with their nuclear weapons capabilities.

United States

If you were to ask the general American populace today what the ideal American woman looked like, the answer would overwhelmingly be "Jessica Simpson in a string bikini top and short shorts soaping up a car in the most lascivious manner possible". Which raises the question of how a modestly bosomed brunette prairie woman with a tornado in her skirt got to be Miss America.

United Kingdom

If push came to shove, Miss United Kingdom would make quite a crappy warrior princess. Firstly, the unwieldy headdress would restrict movement and make her an easy target. The body armour offers little in the way of protection and no camouflage given the way the sunlight would reflect off the metallic panels. Her long swingy braid is her key weakness because we all know it ain't a bitchfight unless there is some major hairpulling involved. In the heat of the battle it would inevitably get caught up with the Cape of Impractical Length. Finally, if she's not up to speed on the stain removal and laundry care techniques, she's going to be in a very rough time indeed.


Are baby doll dresses and over-the knee-socks the only things that Russia have to show for after more than a decade of modernisation? Oh just grow up Miss Russia. This tomfoolery is exactly the sort of thing that will cause another territory to rise up and secede.

What a diplomatic nightmare. No wonder there's so much whingeing over who gets a permanent seat on the UN Security Council.

Monday, May 30

Golden Malady

Hong Kong's favourite fashion plate is back on the red carpet where she belongs! Despite having the musical range of a mallard hen decoy, our Gigi was invited to Taiwan's Golden Melody Awards. These awards are taken very seriously, hence the lack of joie de vivre that is so prevalent at other awards like the MTV Japan awards.

To mark the prestige of the occasion, Gigi chose a big name designer, an even bigger name than Marc Jacobs. She had made up her mind and she was going to wear something from Yves Saint Laurent's S/S 2004 collection no matter how many frill-necked lizards were sacrificed in the process.

Other celebrities in attendance were also decked out in designer finery. Or in some cases their best duvet:

However by the time Gigi took to the stage, the frock and foot pom poms were nowhere to be seen:

I could probably hazard a guess at what's happening with the top half of the dress, but I'd be hardpressed to suggest what made the bottom half proliferate like that. Anyway I can't imagine why Gigi would have ditched that glamourous YSL number. It's not as if the dress is cursed or anything like that.

Sunday, May 29

You Like, You Buy Vol 27

Marimo is a Hong Kong company that has cleverly built its fortunes on cute Japanese accessories:

Hong Kong small and medium-sized enterprises (SMEs) are known for their creativity, flexibility and sensitivity to market trends. These strengths are well illustrated by Marimo Company Ltd.

It all began with the importation of a Hokkaido aquatic plant. Senior management of Marimo Company, with their expertise in product design, brand development and licensing, successfully conjured the aquatic plant to create a series of good luck charms under the brand name Marimo. Within six months, the brand had a strong following and today Marimo Company is the master licensee of the Marimo product series in Asia (excluding Japan).

Upon visiting the Marimo website, be prepared for all manner of cuteness to explode out of the screen at you. The amount of activity that's happening on the same page is quite disturbing and calls for a good dose of Ritalin.

Unfortunately 24 hours in a day just isn't enough time to go through everything in the Marimo product range. For example, I could go on at length about the undies bag and even then I wouldn't be able to do it justice.

What I want to share with you today is something just as practical. Behold the Soft Soft Wrist Rest:

The discreet black box opens to reveal a pubescent surprise:

Suffice to say, it all goes downhill from here. This is quite possibly the strongest contribution yet that small and medium-sized enterprises have made to our economic development.