Mid-autumn break

Thank you Britney, for scheduling your C-section before I go on vacation! Now I don't have to lie awake on the plane wondering if you have given birth while I'm halfway across the South China Sea. And thank you for delaying your birth so that Heidi Klum could have one day in the headlines too!

Now, guess where I'll be going for a week. Here's a little hint.



Yes, that's right I'll be navigating the east coast of Australia, more specifically Melbourne, with the briefest of stopovers in Sydney. What can I say, I am just slavishly following the masses like a lemming with disposable income.

Much has been made of the rivalry between Sydney (it's like Paris Hilton! Crazy blood vial wearing Angelina Jolie! Skimpy sequinned denim shorts with a hint of buttock!) and Melbourne (it's like Nicky Hilton! Classy earth mother UN goodwill ambassador Angelina Jolie! An elegant just below the knee pencil skirt!) but I'm not going to entertain any of this nonsense. As far as I'm concerned, they both have their merits.

Sydney


Melbourne


By popular demand (ie 1 request) I have added links to past "Fashion Roadkill of the Day" posts in the sidebar so that you can have a leisurely browse during my absence. Abandon hope all ye who click there.

The state of men's tennis

Can somebody please explain to me what is going in men's tennis?



First we had Dominic Hrbaty and his quaint shirt with the bra-shaped peekaboo holes at the back. Hey, look at me! I'm just a normal guy, I don't have breasts growing out of my shoulderblades! It caused such a stir that even the Vietnamese press had something to say about it.



There were also holes in the sides of Hrbaty's shorts, and possibly other parts of his tennis outfit which only became apparent when he lunged, thus causing severe distraction to Lleyton Hewitt during their quarter-finals match.



Then there's Taylor Dent who has a tendency to morph into Mr Hyde when he's on hard court.





Check out those choppers. How can anyone possibly see where the tennis ball is when he's on court, blinding everyone so savagely? He must have gone to his dentist and asked for the Hilary Duff special.

Add to that Liz Hurley's white capris and men who can levitate without the aid of a rocket powered backpack....gone are the days when all you had to do was just hit the ball really hard and pray that it didn't kill anyone.

I hope that there are none of these shenanigans at the China Open, but you never know with Carlos Moya and his Spanish compatriots around. I hear they're into ancient Chinese cosplay.

Beirut Fashion Week

When I heard that people were being injured at New York Fashion Week, I tut-tutted at nobody in particular and loudly declared that this sort of thing would not have happened in Beirut. I have long been a follower of Beirut Fashion Week precisely for its lack of hoopla. It doesn't need long waiting times, the publicity hungry starlets pretending they "know fashion" or the marching bands simply because the clothes speak for themselves.

A word of caution - while Lebanon may be more liberal than many of its neighbours there are certain standards of propriety to be adhered to. They stop the shows from turning into a debauched fleshfest that is so common in the West.

Legs must be clothed at all times whether by an ankle-length skirt



or long pants



There must be plenty of fabric covering the back



It goes without saying that breasts should be safely tucked away from plain view



Do incorporate long sleeves into the design if you can help it



The best way to create a sexy, feminine look without baring it all is to use some high quality lace. It can be worn as an extra layer to add a subtle allure.



Alternatively you can wear the lace on its own, such is its power of suggestion.

Maxim's Girl of the Day

Mid-Autumn festival will soon be upon us. For the uninitiated, it's a time to gather round for a feast and celebrate the end of the harvest season. Restaurants are filled with families regaling each other with stories of the golden years and debating the meaning of Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl".

The festival is most likened to Thanksgiving in North America but it's much more complicated than that. If you read the legends, you will find mention of flighty women, self-sacrificing rabbits and clandestine messages smuggled by rebels. Romance, tragedy, drama and intrigue - I'm telling you this festival has it all!

There are also the all important mooncakes that are already on sale. You can make them yourselves - remember it's 3/4 cup lard, 5 tablespoons lard and another 4 tablespoons lard for the dough. No more, no less. But don't be fooled by the copious amounts of sugar and golden syrup, mooncakes are a competitive, cutthroat business.

This year leading bakery chain Maxim's has upped the ante considerably with new tiramisu & wasabi flavours, Disney packaging AND Cantopop star Joey Yung in skimpy white shorts.



Through a body-deforming corset and additional photoshopping, Maxim's has also shown what nibbling daintily on mooncakes have done to Joey's waistline.



I'm not sure whether they had to collapse her ribcage to do that photoshoot but cheer up Joey! Your management company could have used your celebrity and sex appeal for far worse things.



And at least this time there was neither a pole nor diapers involved.

You Like, You Buy Vol 32

There is something to be said for living in a place that fulfils practically every material need. Even if you can't find what you're looking for in Hong Kong, just wait for a month or so and they'll import it from Japan. And so it was, I was casually browsing through some body grip cellulite & fat squeezers at my local supermarket (it..it was for research purposes..) when I came across something that would make my mouth young again.



Behold, the wondrous Slim Mouth Piece! It works like a stretch cord to offer resistance training for your mouth. Besides a firm mouth, Slim Mouth Piece also promises facial symmetry and unlike most LA cosmetic surgeons, really delivers!

I felt slightly humbled to know that while my flabby unfit mouth was just sitting there watching tv and eating junk food, one million Japanese were working on their flaccid facial muscles.

Worried that the spring mechanism might cause the flimsy bit of plastic to snap apart during exercise, leaving your lips a twisted, mangled wreck? Read some of the customer testimonials. Few mouthpieces enjoy such positive feedback.


It works so well that I keep one stored inside my mouth so I can use it at any time!
R. Zellweger-Chesney


At last! A completely natural way to stop aging!
V. Beckham


What a great concept. Unfortunately I haven't had a chance to use it because there's nothing flaccid about me. Or Brad for that matter. Or any man who's ever gazed upon me.
A. Jolie


Slim Mouth Piece has enabled me to make a triumphant return to daytime television. That'll show Lisa Rinna. Now, if only I could find something that would stop my breasts from pointing the wrong way.
H. Tylo


I may just be a young lass but I use Slim Mouth Piece regularly because it's important for me to maintain my firm and luscious pout. It's the only thing keeping me from ending up like Winona Ryder. Well, that and a cupboardful of prescription medicine.
K. Knightley



I dare say it's made my lips as fabulous as the rest of my body!
A Lepore.