Friday, February 4

Vacuum Cleaner Beauties

I'm going to blow the vacuum cleaner cover debate wide open by saying that the Dress-A-Vacs are not all that. I know for a fact that there are many prettier covers out there. In a pageant lineup of vacuum cleaner covers, the Dress-A-Vacs wouldn't make it past the pre-interview stage. In a pageant lineup these would be the winners:

Miss Photogenic

Miss Beautiful Hair

Miss Congeniality

Miss Effortlessly Stylish

Miss Confidence

Miss A Tad Nationalistic

Miss Negative Black Stereotype

Miss Austere

For more vacuum cleaner cover beauties visit:
Peggy's gift shop
Terry's huggables
Missouri Heartland Crafters

Thursday, February 3

Special scarves

Nooooooooo.....will the suffering never end? These underprivileged seniors have spent the best years of their lives in back-breaking toil to make their homeland the consumerist paradise that it is today. And this is how society rewards them. With a lousy Burberry scarf. In Hong Kong, Burberry is all too common, too much of a staple. It is the rice of the middle classes.

Gratitude can only be demonstrated properly with the gift of a unique hand-knitted scarf. All the better if it's been personally woven by one of the Twins. Who are these Twins you speak of, you ask, ensconced in a part of world where the only celebrity twins you know are sullen, homeless and afraid of carbohydrates. Why, only the biggest and most enduring manufactured pop act to come out of in Hong Kong in the past few years, of course.

Despite having no previous knitting experience, one of them knitted her little heart out to make three scarves for a charity auction. Their money-making prowess is evident in the winning bids for each scarf - HK$12,500, HK$15,000 and HK$50,000. Who are these fashion-conscious philantrophists who are willing to pay exorbitant amounts for a piece of musical history?

I can safely say that none of these sharves (part shawls part scarves) will appear in public again. Each will be doomed to spending late nights in the lap of a lonely young man while he does a scene by scene check of his Twins DVDs for upskirt shots. To wit:

Which one can't really act but can sing a little and which one can't really sing but can act a little? The answer is, it doesn't matter! Imposing talent standards on such cute girls with perky smiles is no fun anyway because it would be like giving Winnie the Pooh an IQ test. What matters is that management is happy, the girls look happy and that the fans are happy. Well except maybe for the purchaser of the $50,000 sharf on the far right. For obvious reasons (the same reasons for him being made to stand furthest away from the Twin) I cropped him out of the earlier picture:

It would appear that we have another John Hinckley Jr. in the making.

Wednesday, February 2

Kate Moss the trendsetter

When I wear skinny jeans and multi-buckle heels, people clasp their hands to their cheeks and say sympathetically "Oh honey! No.." When Kate Moss does it, the whole world breathes in reverence at the birthing of a new trend.

Kate turned 31 recently with much fanfare and a new self-destructive boyfriend (by the time you read this she has probably moved on). To celebrate this milestone, here is a partial list of the greatest trends started by Kate Moss.

1. No makeup and unbrushed hair
This is Kate's signature look. Every woman strives to emulate this when they roll out of bed each morning.
2. Burberry
All it took was an ad campaign revolving around Kate Moss in a checked bikini to revive the fortunes of this fashion house. Burberry, Burberry everywhere, but not a thing to wear.
3. Balenciaga biker bags, Luella Bartley bags and Mulberry bags
When Kate was spotted carrying one of these, it instantly became the must-have hottest it bag of the season. In the same colour as Kate Moss had of course.
4. Pirate boots, fur-lined wedge boots, suede boots, mukluks
For every time you see a pair of these plodding down the street, blame the bandy yet attractive legs of Kate Moss.
5. Pole Dancing
There really was no need for Kate Moss to be poledancing in a White Stripes video other than to satisfy a private fantasy of Sofia Coppola (nowadays it's Quentin Tarantino satisfying such fantasies but let's stop before the conversation gets any more uncomfortable). But writhe she did, and women turned up in droves to their local gentlemen's clubs demanding to be instructed in the ways of the pole.
6. The word "bohemian"
Before Kate Moss arrived on the scene, this word was only used to describe stoned layabouts who smelt badly. When Kate mixed something vintage with something new, something designer with something non-designer, bohemian chic became a term of fashion. Now bohemian means a carefree quirky spirited girl with electic taste and tolerable hygiene.
7. Nude paintings
In 2002 Lucian Freud, grandson of Sigmund Freud painted a life size nude portrait of a pregnant Kate Moss. It was hung at the Tate Gallery and renewed interest in museums generally. People started buying up nude paintings without abandon. In fact, many other existing portraits were in fact painted over to look nude to keep up with the demand.
8. Hard partying
Everybody knows somebody who lurches from wild parties to copious amounts of alcohol to chain smoking to cocaine comas to rehab stints to junkie boyfriends and back again. That's right, they're not in some downward spiral, they're channelling Kate Moss.
9. Johnny Depp
Johnny Depp was at the height of his fame and appeal when he was dating Kate Moss. After they broke up, he quickly disappeared into the outskirts of Paris, resurfacing occasionally to make the occasional unmemorable movie (and baby with Vanessa Paradis). It was not until he dressed up in black eyeliner, smoky eyeshadow, braids and pirate boots, adopting a look first popularised by Kate Moss, that he made a comeback in the most fabulous way possible.
10. Being called the new Kate Moss
Usually it's a new waifish model with imperfect features. Currently it's Sienna Miller, soon to be Mrs Jude Law. Sienna has taken to her title with gusto and even requested it to be included in the closing credits of Alfie. I think we all can figure out what will be printed on the wedding invitations.

Look in your wardrobe. Look all around you. Chances are that Kate Moss has worn it, consumed it, experienced it, talked about it or dated it first.

Tuesday, February 1

Mardi Bras

It's been too long a time between bra posts. Therefore I proclaim this Tuesday to be MARDI BRAS! You have carte blanche to grab your ultimate cleavage-enhancing bra and sing Osusowake Purupurun no kyu no bon. Our patron saint of Mardi Bras is award-winning Hong Kong actress Cecilia Cheung.

It takes a special kind of virtue to uphold the sanctity of the bra. In this day and age the act of bra-wearing is considered heresy (Not Safe For Work) in many circles.

Unbeknownst to many, even history majors, the bra had its origins as an instrument of punishment. During the Middle Ages, miscreants were locked in dungeons and forced to embrace comely wenches wearing spiked bras. For less serious offences (like committing carnal acts with an acquiescent duck), one hand was left free to allow the prisoner to unhook the bra. Needless to say, it was difficult to concentrate with blood gushing out from multiple puncture wounds.

What goes around comes around because Spiky Bras are back with a vengeance. Buy one today, get a personal medieval torture device that lifts and separates! Not intimidating enough? Strike fear in the heart of man with deadly blowfish bra or the voodoo bra. Once you've been Cupped and Dangerous your docile existence will be irreparably shattered.

Monday, January 31

Fashion Roadkill of the Day: Vol 26

You see it lying on the top within easy reach. There is nobody around to witness your indiscretion. The bored salesgirl chatting on the phone does not count. It's not really your size, your colour or even your style. On any other day it wouldn't seem appropriate. But damn the price is cheap. Cheap enough to throw caution and good taste to the wind.

When you try it on at home, the magic has gone. There is no halogen lighting or piped-in 90s dance remixes to create an ambience of false comfort. The butterfly motif and the gauzy-winged sleeves are grating the way that a middle-aged tooth fairy would be. You are ensconced in a tacky chrysalis of your own making.

Worst of all, the dye runs. Oh how it runs when exposed to broad daylight. It has ruined a perfectly serviceable pair of leopard print pants. Pants that may look all kinds of cheap but you paid full retail for. Don't do it again.

Alas, my words have fallen on the deaf ears of bargain-hunting zealots. You all think it's as easy as carrying a shovel and bucket for a day of fossicking at the rubbish tip. Did you really think that a pink puffy coat at 99.99% off would keep its colour? It hasn't been washed yet but already it's fading quicker than my once youthful looks. At least my foundation doesn't flake off by the end of the day. The secret lies in the undercoat of epoxy mortar resin I slap on with a trowel.

Sunday, January 30

Love is in the air

It's not too late to start booking your Valentines' bouquets for your darlings. I know this for a fact because there were plenty of spaces left in the order book when I ordered a bunch of long-stemmed roses for myself. With 3 different florists.

I will be posting some gift suggestions over the coming weeks but in the meantime a fashion magazine (initials HB) has put out its own suggestions for the typical hetero HK couple. As a yardstick for love, it is flawless. Anything less and he's just not that into you! Anything more and he is probably hiding a nasty secret from you. Here are my picks from the HB list (they have also divided them into useful categories):

Dating less than one year
Burberry watch
Motorola Razr V3 - I once saw a bored HK couple sitting beside me for lunch. They did not speak to each other the entire meal. But towards the end of the meal he took her mobile phone and gently wiped it down. Only then did I know that he truly loved her.

Dating for about a year

Giuseppe Zanotti flats
Vaio VGN-T17GP laptop - high maintenance gals need their technology too! They wouldn't be caught online shopping in anything else.

Dating for about 2 years
Louis Vuitton watch
Celine logo bracelet
"Gimme gimme I want I want" continues to be the catchcry of the relationship.

Dating for about 3 years
Louis Vuitton wallet
Ralph Lauren earrings - I se a slight decrease in the monetary value of gifts at the 3 year mark. Perhaps his credit rating has taken a slight tumble in light of previous years' gifts.

Just married
Chanel pochette
Breitling watch (est HK$73,200)
Now this is more like it. It also implies that one needs to get married within 3 years. If you are still in dating mode, then game over you've been played!

First year of marriage
Valentino bracelet
Lanvin pearl necklace
The euphoric feeling is still strong. (Everything I buy) I buy it for you....

Second year of marriage
Links of London paperweight
Jorg Hyser fountain pen
Tacit resentment has crept into the marriage by this point. All gifts have taken a nosedive in luxury terms and are bought by luscious secretary with hidden agenda.