Friday, July 29

Summer Interns


Our first lot of summer interns have arrived! I have attached a summary of their CVs and set out a short profile below. This way you know a bit more about them and don't dismiss them as faceless fodder.

BEN is in his final year of college studying a communications degree. While his grades are nothing to get excited about, he is strong on extracurricular activities such as gym crunches and contact sports. These activities have helped him develop the most magnificent set of biceps and abs we have seen at this company for a long time. We have it on good authority that he is gay so ladies please back off, because you ain't getting a piece of him.

KELLY is the daughter of one of our key clients so please go and say hi to her. Gift baskets of fruit, flowers and chocolates will also be appreciated. Under no circumstances is she to be given work. If you need to take her out to lunch, please check with her secretary first. She is also looking for somebody to give footrubs and organize her shoe collection by taking polaroid pictures of her shoes, then sticking the photos onto the shoe boxes.

PORNCHAI is this year's international exchange intern. He hails from the Bangkok office and is fluent in five languages none of which are English. Pornchai will be working in the strategic executive division where he will assist in compiling the management reports. It is not ok to refer to him as PORN due to the hilarious social implications involved. We are already thinking of extending his stay because he makes the cutest carved elephants ever and knows the proper way to fix a green curry.

CASEY is in the process of repeating his final year for the third time. Outside of study, he has set up various entrepreneurial ventures related to recreational and experimental drug use. This will be great news to most of you because we can now sever ties with our current dealer and get our drugs from Casey at substantial discounts!

ANDREA has a flawless academic record. In her spare time she pens prize-winning treatises, plays several musical instruments at concert level and develops beta vaccines for new strains of deadly diseases. We had her IQ tested and the results were frankly quite frightening. However her nonexistent social skills mean that we have relegated her to menial tasks such as photocopying, filing and holepunching until she can come to grips with the real world.

FRED once killed a man with his bare hands and only served a few years of his sentence in a maximum security prison before getting parole. He is partway through a sales and marketing degree which he started by distance education. His hobbies include reading, woodwork, gardening and being quietly intense.

Please give a warm welcome to our summer interns and for the next few weeks, try to make them feel like a part of our team. We are fortunate to have such capable young individuals who could very well represent the future of this company.

Thursday, July 28

Waste not want not

Calling all rural Australian readers, the Elmore Field Days "Ag Art Wear" competition is nigh. The aim of the contest is to construct a wearable garment from things found on a farm. Things that presumably don't make funny animal noises and attack you in the crotch for no particular reason. Careful planning and preparation is the key to success otherwise your creation will turn out to be a dog's breakfast as shown above.

I'm a big supporter of recycling everyday objects into clothing, mainly because of the amount of crap I have accumulated at home. It's gotten so bad that I have decided to put my abundant resources at the disposal of budding fashion designers.

Take for example the outfit below which appears to be have been made of beer bottle caps.

Ordinarily it would take weeks of rummaging through the tip to find the necessary materials but the reality is I go through about this much alcohol on any given weekend.

I also have enough Kenny G and Enya music (and if you should also desire, a bit of Rick Astley) to cover an entire frock.

And I've always envisioned this as the place where my old treadworn boots go to die.

I suggest you start looking at your household chattels and effects in a different light. It could save the day when the only tuxedo rental store in town is out of stock. More importantly when we lose our fight against the machines, leaving a charred blackened sky and our favourite stores razed to the ground, "baling twine, plastic, ear tags, nuts, bolts, netting and metal junk" will be all we have left to work with.

Wednesday, July 27

A creature of habit

A week in the life of Anna Nicole Smith isn't as unpredictable as you would think. In fact there's so much routine involved that there leaves little room for spontaneity.

Wet T shirt contest down at the local bar

Manicure and Martini night with the girls

Talk to the animals

Attend exclusive red carpet event

Go for a scenic drive

A day at the tanning salon followed by an evening of pontificating

Hit the dancefloor

With such a rigid and demanding schedule, how does Anna Nicole manage to maintain such good form? By ending each night in one of two ways.

Exit stage right

Or exit stage left

Tuesday, July 26

Federline foot fashion

What is wrong with the picture above?
There could be any number of possible answers including:
(a) The would-be father is smoking around his unborn baby
(b) You can't actually see Britney's breasts for once
(c) Those pants are roomier than a luxury trailer home
(d) Kevin's PDA message thingy is for display purposes only and doesn't actually work, thus allowing him to ignore reminders about his son's birthday

If you answered any of the above, you have obviously failed to look at the metatarsal area for therein lies the answer. Not content with bringing capri pants back from oblivion, Kevin Federline is now spearheading the urban socks with sandals movement. And here you thought he was just another unshaven unemployed slacker living off his wife's earnings.

I think that just like Kevin and Britney's relationship, this emerging style is the real deal. So I'm afraid you're going to have to unlearn everything you heard about it being a fashion faux pas and adapt accordingly. It is as easy as visiting Flip Flop Socks or any retailer of toeless sandal socks and using the supplementary platinum credit card your spouse gave you.

It's always recommended to catch a trend on the upswing so this look deserves moderate to high priority on your "copy this look" list. As Sandals & Socks 4 Ever will tell you, there's already a lot of it about.

Monday, July 25

You Like, You Buy Vol 31

Salon Esprit ( is an Asian thing like bubble tea or grown women who put on cutesy baby voices to ask their boyfriends/husbands for designer handbags or Sunday yum cha queue rage, the last of which I completely made up but I came quite close to experiencing yesterday morning.

The salon chain promotes the clean, fresh stylings you would expect of an affordable mainstream fashion brand and, as shown below, practitioners with a dexterity hitherto unknown to the hairdressing world.

As with any hair salon, it's who you choose that can make the difference between life and painful lingering death by waiting for shred head to grow out. Given that there are over 60 stylists at Salon Esprit, here's some guidance on how to pick the right one.

No matter how cute and winsome the stylist, you must run away at the first sign of poodle hair. It is only prudent.

Similarly, you can't trust a stylist who pays half-assed homage to Joan Jett. If they can do this so callously to themselves, they will think nothing of doing it to you.

Personally I like to make my choice based on the name of the stylist. With Hyatt you can expect five star deluxe cut in whatever location around the world she is based. Turndown service, bathrobe and slippers provided too!

Tinted glasses are a no-no. They are either intended to disguise signs of drowsiness & exhaustion stemming from a massive all weekend bender or to block out the UV glare from the back of your head, both of which do not bode well for you.

Would it bother me if my stylist was prettier than me and airbrushed within an inch of his life? Yes, yes it would.

Those are about all the tips I have for the time being but that should tide you over until the next trendy salon decides to post details of every single stylist on their annoying Flash website. Oh and did I mention that Salon Esprit also offers makeup services? Check it out.