Saturday, October 2

You Like, You Buy Vol 7

The prevailing thought in Hong Kong has long been that "if it's from Japan, it must be good", and that doesn't just apply to the porn. 2percent is a local brand that capitalises on this by designing clothes and accessories that imitate Japanese street fashion. Their Fall/Winter campaign has a farm theme but to my disappointment, no farm animals were featured in the pictorial.

The company has also created a casual unisex line called th: (two percent homme) for Generation Z which is very forward thinking because most of Generation Z hasn't been born yet. There is also the + - x [division sign that I can't find on my keyboard] (plus:minus:times:divide) line of clothing for the "mature, sophisticated lady", which by their reasoning probably means a female between ages of 20-25 who has had more than 1 boyfriend.

Most of the time I was distracted by the pair of dogs crawling up the side of the screen in search of the levitating bone. Apparently they are called On-dogs and the website gives us a compelling explanation for the name:
ON DOG is the successful resurrection of life from a dead parent dog. Background theory - resurrection, change of life, start over again, on and on.

If you like photos of Japanese-looking girls, then check out the downloads section for some arty wallpaper. I must add that they are FULLY CLOTHED because there are already too many people who have come to this blog through google searches for "pre-teen lolitas japan". Now let's see how many weirdos are out there doing searches for dead parent dogs.

Friday, October 1

Start saving for Xmas

As I was browsing through the Neiman Marcus Christmas catalogue, I learnt several things:

1. For US$325,000, Valentino (king of ballgowns) will make you a breathtakingly beautiful gown, but unfortunately it's in brown so be prepared to look like a human chocolate bar. One with a crispy nutty and wafer exterior that envelopes a smooth milk chocolate center.
2. Sapphires are an absolute bargain. With US$2,500,000 you can get 124.11 carats of pink sapphires and 85.47 carats of diamonds. So don't ask for sapphires for Christmas, ask for an emerald-cut colourless flawless 100 carat diamond instead. That is the only way to tell if he really loves you.
3. The going rate for zeppelins these days is US$10 million. Oh, the humanity!
4. When you are selling a US$125,000 Masserati Quattroporte, just throw in the word moonroof to confuse people.
5. A whole ham costs US$75 and a half ham costs US$55. A whole ham weighs 10-12 lbs but a half ham weighs 3-4 lbs. Please explain.
6. There exists a book called People We Know, Horses They Love. The bestial habits of celebrities musn't be such a hot topic because it's also selling for 32% off at Amazon.
7. The Meade digital camera binoculars boasts lots of new functions which allow you to take high-res photos and video. Stalkers all around the world rejoice.
8. Imagine if you were an innocent rabbit or fox who went through lots of suffering so that people could wear your fur. You'd hope that in death you might at least look fashionable. But then they go and dye you the most virulent shade of purple imaginable. How mortifying, you think.

Thursday, September 30

Little Blonde Book

In honour of China's National Day, it is only appropriate that we reflect on some of the learned words of Chairman Mao Zedong. His words have been so pervasive and enduring that even today, several young celebrities are still espousing the same ideals set out in Mao's Little Red Book. These celebrities also happen to have amazing powers of influence regarding the way teenyboppers talk, dress and most frightening of all, think. If they haven't done so already, China's National Museum should really include Jessica Simpson in their collection of famous wax figures.

Whoever relaxes vigilance will disarm himself politically and land himself in a passive position.
Chairman Mao
Oh, my new Vuitton shoes! Well, at least they're clean now. God, I didn't see the pool! Why is there a pool there? At least I didn't go into the big pool.
Paris Hilton

In a class society everyone lives as a member of a particular class, and every kind of thinking, without exception, is stamped with the brand of a class.
Chairman Mao
Is there, like, maids for, like, celebrities?
Jessica Simpson

We must thoroughly clear away all ideas among our cadres of winning easy victories through good luck, without hard and bitter struggle, without sweat and blood.
Chairman Mao
Marrying into money was not a good thing for me
Anna Nicole Smith

In this world, things are complicated and are decided by many factors. We should look at problems from different aspects, not just from one.
Chairman Mao
Is this chicken or is this fish? I know it's tuna. But it says chicken. By the sea.
Jessica Simpson

Production by the masses, the interests of the masses, the experiences and feelings of the masses -- to these the leading cadres should pay constant attention.
Chairman Mao
I'm glad people think I have a nice chest.
Lindsay Lohan

You can't solve a problem? Well, get down and investigate the present facts and its past history!
Chairman Mao
Platypus? I thought it was pronounced platymapus. Has it always been pronounced Platypus?
Jessica Simpson

We must endeavour to establish normal diplomatic relations, on the basis of mutual respect for territorial integrity and sovereignty and of equality and mutual benefit, with all countries willing to live together with us in peace.
Chairman Mao
I have always wanted to travel across seas, like to Canada and stuff.
Britney Spears

If the U.S. monopoly capitalist groups persist in pushing their policies of aggression and war, the day is bound to come when they will be hanged by the people of the whole world.
Chairman Mao
I hate record labels. They think they know everything. I want to hear them try to sing it.
Jessica Simpson

We must do our utmost, in the course of our struggle for the abolition of the feudal system, to preserve all useful means of production and of livelihood, take resolute measures against anyone's destroying or wasting them, oppose extravagant eating and drinking and pay attention to thrift and economy.
Chairman Mao
All I do is work. I wake up in the morning at 6, and I just go to work. It's been non-stop. I didn't even have a summer, I usually go to Europe, but I've been here and busy building this brand.
Paris Hilton
I went to Wal-Mart for the first time. I always thought they sold wallpaper. I didn't realize it has everything. You can get anything you want there for really, really cheap.
Paris Hilton

Communists must be ready at all times to stand up for the truth, because truth is in the interests of the people.
Chairman Mao
I did not have implants, I just had a growth spurt.
Britney Spears

Wednesday, September 29

Interview with Gwyneth Paltrow

Academy Award winning actress Gwyneth Paltrow gives us some valuable insight into dressing for important events and generally how to become a fashion icon.

Oh, this old thing? I had originally planned to wear a gorgeous gown (I can't remember what it looked like or who it was by, but it was certainly gorgeous by all accounts) but would you believe the zip broke the minute I stepped out of the door. All of my other dresses were bought before I got pregnant so none of them could contain my POST-PREGNANCY BREASTS. Luckily, I found this in the back of my closet and it was the only thing that could fit my POST-PREGNANCY BREASTS. I don't know why the press is making such a fuss about it, it's not like I planned to show off my POST-PREGNANCY BREASTS because I am an intensely PRIVATE person.

It happens all the time, just look at Liz Hurley back when she was only known as Hugh Grant's girlfriend. Her dress ripped just as they were leaving for the Four Weddings and a Funeral premiere. Lucky for her, Gianni Versace had one gown left in his studio and it was barely held together by safety pins. Like me she had no choice, but the press blew the whole thing out of proportion. Fortunately it all ended well, with her getting an Estee Lauder contract.

Anyway my dress is by Vivienne Westwood who is an ENGLISH designer. I like ENGLISH designers because I have such an affinity for the ENGLISH culture. In fact I am the only American who understands ENGLISH culture. I also like to seek out designs created by little known talents such as designers from the little known country of SPAIN. Ever since I spent some time learning, no make that teaching, SPANISH in the town of Talavera de Reina, I've become quite popular over there. They anointed me "SPAIN's adopted daughter", cementing the fact that I am the only American who understands SPANISH culture.

Whenever I dress for a big night out, I try to take inspiration from theatrical costumes. I suppose it's because I have highly acclaimed experience in theatre, more specifically ENGLISH theatre. My style may seem to project an effortless insouciance but it's something that only I can do. After all not everyone is born speaking fluent SPANISH and with a deep understanding of the ENGLISH culture. When I was on the set of Shakespeare in Love (for which I won an OSCAR), I gave Judi some acting tips and she also won an Oscar in her supporting role, supporting me of course.

One problem about being a bona fide fashion icon is that everybody is always trying to copy my look. The other day I saw somebody wearing a little black dress and I thought to myself, I've worn that before, that's my look! When I won an OSCAR I wore pink, and even today people are still wearing pink. Back in 2002, I was the first actress go braless and to pair this look with my trademark slouch. This has spawned a whole new generation of saggy mini-Gwynnies ranging from Kirsten Dunst to Katie Holmes.

There are days when even an Upper East Side girl dresses down in non-designer clothes, and I think that slumming it once in a while helps me empathise with the commoners (as the ENGLISH call them). It's just like how sometimes I take a break from doing smaller films with artistic integrity and make low-brow commercial movies. But even then, I've always been first and foremost a movie actress and not just some tv actress. By the same token, my father wasn't just some actor on a daytime soap opera, no he made interesting and thought-provoking tv programs like St Elsewhere. Whatever. I'm totally over it.

I achieve inner style through a strict regime of macrobiotic dieting and yoga. Recently, I secretly became one of the first Americans to start practising the ancient Chinese art of cupping. However, I don't know how the media found about it because if you've read or watched my interviews with Vanity Fair, Oprah Winfrey, Diane Sawyer, you'll know that I am an extremely PRIVATE person.

If you ever hope to become a classy sophisticate like me, you need to know when to retreat gracefully from the limelight. I'm looking forward to taking time off to look after Apple, and I have already called several press conferences to make this announcement. There will also be further press conferences in the future to remind everyone that I am taking a career break. Money is not important.

Tuesday, September 28

Monogram wipes

In my household, no words hold more urgency than "we've run out of toilet paper". As I am easily swayed by cute puppies, I like to stock up on Andrex extra strong and extra soft. If I ever decide to bring an adorable new puppy home, I will also expect it to immediately make for the toilet, somehow remove the toilet paper from its holder and roll about delightedly in the toilet paper. Otherwise I will be returning it and asking for a refund.

Visitors to your home will often judge your home by the luxuriousness of your toilet paper. That's why they *always* want to use the bathroom when they visit. A sure way to impress your guests in Hong Kong is to have not only monogrammed towels but also monogrammed toilet paper, especially if it's a designer monogram like Louis Vuitton. I cannot explain the popularity of Louis Vuitton in Hong Kong but I've lost count of the number of times I've encountered a woman has chosen to forgo dentalwork and a good hair colourist (resulting in a nasty blonde dye job) in favour of an LV bag.

Given that most of LV designs are in the same brown as the colour of crap, it also makes sense for them to come out with a range of toilet paper. But they haven't yet, so for now you'll have make do with which can do custom prints or monograms emblazoned in gold, printed in ass-friendly non-toxic inks. are also offering 3-initial monograms with a minimum of 48 rolls and at least 4 weeks waiting time, so I don't know what you do in the meantime if you have paid up in full and can't afford to buy any more toilet paper.

Even if you're not inclined to such crass displays of materialism, you're bound to find some other specially designed toilet paper to suit you. Imagine if you're a corporate lackey who has to spend all day pandering to the whims of your superiors, nodding in agreement at whatever crackpot political or religious opinion they have and squeezing out a fake laugh at their lame jokes. Well the Kisses toilet paper is for you because hey, you deserve to get your ass kissed regularly too!

Then there's Just Married toilet paper for when the honeymoon is over and you just realised your new husband isn't as rich or as close to death as you think, plus he is a serial philanderer who walks around in a smoking jacket and carries a pipe. On the other side of the coin, you just realised that your new wife is a gold-digging bimbo who expects expensive jewelry or her own line of clothing before she even lets you sleep in the same bed. Oh yes, this marriage is going down the toilet.

For the keen ranger (and possible future king of Middle-Earth), camouflage packs are useful for covering your tracks when you're out in the wild. Unfortunately there is no amount of toilet paper that can protect you from getting shot at or attacked by fierce animals during those vulnerable moments when you've got your pants down.

Monday, September 27

Iced bikini

Remember Scott Henshall and his hideously expensive Spider-dress? He has continued his obssession of smothering every piece of flimsy fabric he can get his hands on with diamonds and created the world's most expensive bikini.

Not only is the bikini so pink that only St Tropez Barbie would wear it (and even then, she'd wear it half-off in the daytime, converting it into a zero-kini at night because it's St Tropez mon cherie!), but there appears to be a serviette attached to the front. That Scott Henshall, he's so practical, it's just what a girl needs at the beach so she can wipe the drool from the mouth of her snoring sugar daddy during his third nap of the day.

The problem with these jewel encrusted outfits is that so much time and effort is spent sticking the diamonds onto them that by the end of the whole process, the designers are so tired they just whack it onto the first model and propel her out onto the runway. Never mind that it doesn't fit her properly and causes lumps of flesh to protrude unnaturally from the side. Or that we have to be subjected to seeing something that can only be described as a sacred lotus blossoming out of a crack in some rocks. Highly spiritual.

"I was so nervous and there were security guards backstage who whisked it away the minute I took it off," she said after the show. "I was expecting someone to come out and grab a diamond of it or something."

Come on, Sophie, if anybody makes a grab for you, it's not going to be because of a little diamond. See Hunter, Rachel.

I can't wait for what other "world's most expensive" items will be designed next, so I'm going to hurry the process along with some suggestions:

1. Complement your 5000-thread count sheets with the world's most expensive pyjamas! Sure, you might wake up with little indentations on your back and side, and pillow fights might be a lot more subdued but think about it, you sparkle when you sleep!

2. In addition to diamond shoes (usually seen on some unknown starlet at the Oscars), what about the world's most expensive...shoe horn! Why settle for plastic when you can get one that is solid gold and encrusted to the hilt with precious jewels. Your feet deserves the best.

3. So that the guys don't feel left out, somebody needs to design the world's most expensive boxer shorts! It's just a matter of protecting the family jewels with even more jewels.

Finally, I'd like to suggest the world's most expensive feminine hygiene product. With a diamond sphagnum core and bejewelled wings. Maybe then people wouldn't THROW IT OUT THE WINDOW like they do in my apartment block, the sick, sad losers.

Sunday, September 26

Fashion Roadkill of the Day: Vol 9

It's not everyday you get the chance to encounter somebody who is both literally and figuratively fashion roadkill. This is a momentous discovery for the annals of fashion. Judging by the tyre marks, we can tell that this was the work of no ordinary vehicle. We can also tell that not only did the vehicle drive over her, but it stopped and reversed over her, repeating the process several times.

Therefore we can only conclude that she was the victim of an unsupervised learner driver who was attempting to reverse park a monster truck (with positraction). Unfortunately the driver's rear and side vision were obscured by several plush toys dangling cutely from their suction cups. The poor thing, she just scraped herself off the road and refused to receive any emergency pants. Such bravery and determination!