Friday, April 7

The Best Man Speech at a Soap Opera Wedding

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. For those of you who don't know me, my name is Colt and I'm Steele's younger brother and best man. To tell the truth Steele is actually the product of our mother's affair with my uncle, making Steele my half-brother and possibly my cousin assuming that my uncle is really my dad's brother because you never quite know what's happening with this family. Since I had already prepared the speech and everything, we thought it would be best to proceed as originally planned. But how this will alter the split of the massive wealth we stand to inherit and the dynamics in our family empire remains to be seen.

Enough about me, let's get onto celebrating the love between Cherish and Steele which is why we're all here today. I think you'd all agree that it was a great service this morning. Indeed it's been a while since we've all been to a wedding without incident. Special mention should go to the bridesmaids who all look lovely and are only outshone by the lovely bride Cherish. I'd also like to thank guests who have travelled from distant places such as Moldavia to join this happy event.

Cherish and Steele have known each other ever since they were children. As they grew up watching their fathers trying to takeover each other's company, their forced rivalry blossomed into love. However despite their deep feelings for one another they never really got together until much later on because the timing was never right. Whenever Cherish was single, Steele would already be in a relationship and whenever Steele was available, Cherish would either too busy dating or being stalked by another guy.

Finally destiny prevailed and at the end of Season 3 they shared their first kiss. Like any couple, they've had to go through some rough patches to test their commitment to each other. The parents were understandably upset at first given their age-old enmity. Our stepmother Montana, in particular, who is also Steele's ex-wife (try not to think about it too much or your head will explode) didn't take the news too well. *chuckle* Some of you may fondly remember Montana's more elaborate schemes like the kidnapping plot and the part where she tried to electrocute Cherish in her own jacuzzi.

When Steele finally proposed to Cherish, everyone breathed a huge sigh of relief that their on-off relationship would be resolved once and for all. They had broken up so many times by then that I even took the opportunity to have a brief affair with Cherish during one of these timeouts. However we ended our relationship amicably because anyone can see that Cherish and Steele are meant for each other. Besides, I do a good job of bottling up my residual feelings for her.

As far as marriage advice goes, I don't think I'm qualified to give any since my last wife Paisley was sleeping around and I accidentally killed her by pushing her down the stairs during a vicious struggle for the tv remote. Both Cherish and Steele have been both married before, but this time promises to be different. All the backstabbing, lies, betrayals and stolen babies are entirely things of the past.

If Steele can survive being shot point blank in the chest, like what happened at the end of Season 4, then he'll surely be able to handle marriage. What a cliffhanger that shooting was! We had to wait for three months to find out who did it. Even Cherish was a suspect even though she had temporarily left Port Sunshine on little yacht bound for a summer of self-discovery in Paris. I was kind of worried that Cherish would come back a different person but thankfully that didn't happen.

In Cherish, Steele has found someone who will make not only a good wife but a good mother to his son who was fathered illegitimately with a runaway golddigger from the poor part of town. Steele Jr's real mother Billie-Jo-Lee is actually here today as one of the radiant bridesmaids but the doctors have only given her weeks to live.

At this point, it's customary for the best man's speech to veer into a short history lesson. Interestingly enough on this day, two years ago, Cherish's family home burnt down while the family was celebrating her miraculous remission after a tumour the size of a basketball was found in her brain. When we found what appeared to be her body in the charred wreckage we assumed that was the end of her. Many of you would also have attended her funeral, where I gave a stirring eulogy that was similar to this speech. Needless to say, Cherish escaped alive but it was some months before Steele could reunite with his love because of her temporary amnesia which led her to hide out in a remote log cabin and hook up with a crazy mountain man.

I started planning this speech many months ago, and you must feel like I have been delivering it equally as long, but now it gives me immense pleasure, not to mention relief, to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast...oh my god...the Moldavians have guns.... everybody on the floor now! Don't shoot! Don't shoot! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Thursday, April 6

Whatever goes on the models stays on

Whoa there, somebody FedEx a crate of Hollywood tape over to Bombay before people start getting arrested! A word of caution to budding designers - when you find that Tara Reid is becoming your muse, you better start rethinking your collection or it's going to end up looking dated, tired, worn and pathetic.

Those Indian fashion designers could learn a thing or to from their Eastern friends about keeping it all together. They run a tight ship over in Beijing and nothing hits the runway unless it's fully secured.

Avoid disaster with the prudent use of two straps. Wearing strapless outfits are akin to leaving the gate open at a mental institution. Before long the crazy inmates will spill out chaotically into the public domain, causing people on the streets to be mildly aghast and not know where they're supposed to look.

All headgear should be tied securely to your face to stymie errant gusts of wind. Scared the wind will also blow your panties off? Lock them up behind a heavy duty grill as you would your virgin daughter.

The smart way of accessorising with super long bead necklaces is to wear them short. Otherwise you'll end up tripping and making the beads scatter everywhere, ruining a pretty necklace but not before dislocating your neck.

When in doubt bolt that monocle to your helmet. That way you can have a crystal clear view of the battle and notice that 10,000 pound elephant charging in your direction before it's too late.

*Sigh* If you really have your mind set on parading around in a skimpy bra top with little means of support, then there's nothing anyone else can do about it other than recommend that you have a pair of emergency ta-ta covers handy when the inevitable strikes.

It pays to wear two sets of underpants in case one fails to do the job of fencing in your genitalia properly. I'd be careful around pranksters though unless you want to experience the sublime sensation of having your pants pulled down and an atomic wedgie at the same time.

Another blog to visit: malefactor - Pornokarma on the ground in NYC

Wednesday, April 5

Stress puppies

No matter how pampered they may seem, celebrity pets pay a hefty price for having it all and it shows in their sad little eyes. Juggling fame, fortune and an owner who weighs less than you is a recipe for chronic stress and related illnesses like an addiction to sniffing cocaine instead of another dog's butt. A survey found that the most common causes of anxiety in dogs are:

1. not being able to catch own tail
2. growing too big for designer dog carrier and thus having to walk
3. being upstaged by the cat next door in terms of owning cute but pointless accessories
4. having a low win percentage on
5. trying to decide between leather pants and cargos

Fortunately help is at hand for your frazzled pets in the form of doga, yoga for dogs. Get started with some basic moves, to be performed in a calm and barkfree environment.

Dog tilt

Standing straight with legs together, lift your hind legs (it's ok to let your master help you) so that your paws point outwards. Hold the pose for at least two or three breaths. Look around quizzically wondering why you aren't urinating at this point.

Puppy pose

Stand erect, resting your weight on two legs instead of the usual four. Bend your knees, showing off your nether regions as you do so. Pause at this point and allow your tongue to loll about gracefully.

Downward facing dog

Climb onto your master and use them to slowly raise your hips into an inverted V shape. Bend your front legs and stretch your body, pushing your ass up towards the sky. Keep your gaze soft and shoulders down, then exhale from ass.

Play dead pose

End your session by lying on your front supported by your master's arms. Your master's hands should be held in a prayer position in front of their chest. Tense and relax the muscles, allowing your paws to fall out to the sides. Try to visualise where you buried that bone and let yourself sink deep to that hidden place. Repeat this mantra to yourself slowly "Must. Not. Hump. Leg.".

Tuesday, April 4

It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen

Singapore Fashion Week! At last, an opportunity for Singapore to break out from being the little island-nation-state that could. To draw breathless reviews that for once didn't include words like "Orwellian", "squeaky-clean" or "soulless, like the tunes of Sharon Stone jamming in a recording studio". Well did the rest of the world sit up and take notice? Probably not and here's why.

There's an unwritten rule that when a city puts on a fashion week, it should last for no longer than the time it takes to experience all the major attractions of that city. How Singapore managed to stretch its fashion festival out to 10 days is beyond me. There are only so many merlion statues to visit about town and once you've got your mind around how drunk a mermaid and a lion had to get before they created that, the itinerary starts looking pretty thin.

However that's not to say that the clothes on parade were not worthy. Indeed there was a whole lotta fashion involved, just not a lot of Singapore. Jean-Paul Gaultier, Escada, Calvin Klein, Salvatore Ferragamo, Missoni, Diane von Furstenberg - I dare say this stuff looked awfully familiar as if it had already been covered by...oh, I don't know, PARIS fashion week, or say MILAN fashion week or even NEW YORK fashion week? And what about Top freaking Shop? That is padding if I ever saw it.

Not only that, but the runway choreographer seemed to have taken copious notes from Britney Spears' performance at the 2001 MTV Video Music Awards. That snake doesn't even look home-grown to me.

The highlight of the festival was Triumph's Decadence and Desire show but take a look at that, I bet that ass was flown in from abroad.

Likewise the wackiness had to be imported, with this pocketful of style from Thailand (above) and pantsless convict gear from Indonesia (below).

A shame really, because the local designers could have stepped up to the plate and impressed everyone with how bizarre they really could be, thus putting the Singapore in Singapore Fashion Week. Oh well, there's always next year's event, and all that official nicey nice subtle repression has to eventually come out one way or another.

Monday, April 3

You Like, You Buy Vol 43

While Hong Kong is not exactly a lingerie capital, you'd still be hard pressed to find a dull brassiere in this fair city. The amazing kaleidoscope of bra colours and patterns for sale is only surpassed by the amazing kaleidoscope of stupid things people manage to wear on top of their undergarments.

It has also become perfectly acceptable to display your bra straps in public. This is because all standards of decency went out the window once crotch-riding jeans and cameltoe tracksuits came into vogue. Investing in a quality set of interchangeable straps allows you to switch them according to your various moods and peccadilloes. If you're like most women I know and have a tendency to misplace your bra in a crowded nightclub, then be sure to bulk order your straps from somewhere like master haberdashers Garland (

Romantic series
For when the first stirrings of young love turn to thoughts of getting past first base

Party hard series
These days it takes more than just a pushup bra and a tissue box to get noticed

Party even harder series
Does it matter whether your name is on the list or not? The sheer naivete emanating from these straps is guaranteed to get you past the toughest bouncers and door b*tches.

Deluxe formal series
For the formal events like weddings, bar mitzvahs, courtroom appearances, these lend an air of sophistication and gravitas. GL-963 is also suitably tragic for solemn occasions.

Practical series
Sweet and simple designs for everyday wear. In particular, GL365 unfolds into a feminine hygiene product (with wings) at a moment's notice.