Friday, April 29

New appointments and promotions

Memo from Human Resources to all Employees

As you may well be aware, our office has recently completed its annual management review. In an effort to improve the quality of our service, we have decided on a number of internal changes to the team structure. Effective from May 1 the following appointments and promotions will take effect:

Mary has been promoted to stationery cupboard monitor. This is a newly created role which will use Mary's inventorial and snooping abilities to greater effect and ensure that stationery is used on an AS NEEDED basis. Mary will be circulating an email shortly setting out appropriate usage levels.

In addition to his regular duties, Tim will also be overseeing pantry disputes. He is your first port of call in situations where personal items have gone missing from the refrigerator or shelves.

After attending a one day first aid training course Bill will now hold the key to the first aid and medicine cupboard. Bill has unfettered power to give routine physical examinations to any female employee before releasing the key to her.

Carol will transfer in from the 7th floor to head the team of Office Gossips. Carol was previously Senior Manager specialising in rumour mongering and brings a wealth of knowledge and contacts with her.

Kevin has been appointed Junk Mail Sender. His primary area of responsibility is sending out officewide emails on the following topics:
pest control, air-conditioning, lift maintenance, baby announcements, movie tickets to give away, fire drills and charity chocolates for sale

Joanne has slept with almost everybody on the floor. Her role will largely remain the same. However she will move from her cubicle to the corner office with a view where it is hoped she will capitalise on her performance at last year's Christmas party.

Our Farewells division has been boosted with the internal promotion of Greg as division manager, following Steve's departure. Greg will be assisted by Amy who is a recent college graduate. Together they will share the responsibilities of organising appropriately bland farewell cards and gifts for departing employees.

These changes reflect our commitment to building a top-quality organisation. We congratulate these valued employees for their achievements and look forward to their future contributions. Please join them in gloating over their newfound powers.

Thursday, April 28

You've come a long way Katie

This morning I was happily browsing the news - oil prices lower, gold prices fall, surplus in budget, something about China/Taiwan/pro-democracy something or other, possibly pandas involved. Suddenly I reeled back in horror as a certain headline reached out and slapped me in the face. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes? What the..who the..where the..? It couldn't have been more random as Dakota Fanning (Tom's co-star in War of the Worlds) and Michael Caine (Katie's co-star in Batman Begins) hooking up. We live in interesting times indeed.

Once I calmed down and was able to cast a clinical eye over the cold hard facts, it does seem like a match made in heaven. He likes filing gay defamation lawsuits, her father is a lawyer. He's been consistently named as one of most powerful actors in Hollywood, she's been voted "Babe of the Year 98" by Expressen Fredag in Sweden. He reportedly likes women, her bust is 34C.

Katie's certainly come a long way for a girl who has the following quote in her IMDB profile:
"I think every little girl dreams about her wedding. I used to think I was going to marry Tom Cruise."

It all started in aisle 3 of a small town supermarket.

Katie: Do you think I'll ever leave this place and become a huge Hollywood star?
Co-worker: *snort* Yeah right. There's about as much chance of that happening as Tom Cruise divorcing Nicole Kidman.

Katie: Now that Dawson's Creek has finished, how do I stay in the spotlight?
Director: Well clearly acting in decent movies is out of the question. What about having a media-friendly relationship with someone who generates the same all-American fresh-faced preppy wholesomeness as you do?

Katie: (I don't think I could ever marry someone who wears five shades of brown all at once. He has got to go.)

Katie: Tell me what Tom was like when you worked with him.
Colin: Tom's a really great guy. Really really nice. Always smelling so good. And he makes a damn good breakfast-in-bed. Definitely a keeper. Soft too.

Katie: I'm so excited to be here at the Tom Cruise girlfriend auditions.
Claire: I know, I really need a hit role. I haven't been relevant in like, ages.

Katie: It's down to the final round. I better show Tom how much I want this job!

Katie: How did you ever cope? We've only been dating 2 weeks and I'm already behind in my Scientology reading!
Penelope: I know! Thank goodness I found a guy through the internet who can do all your homework for you. His rates are very reasonable.

Katie: Thanks for the invite to your fashion show. Next time you can address it to "Katie" instead of "Tom's girl". I never got this much attention from you when I was engaged to Chris (Klein).
Vera: Call me, Tom's girl. I'm your new best friend!

Wednesday, April 27

Wardrobe maintenance with Alicia Keys

When you've run out of actresses to put on the cover of your fashion magazine, the next logical step is to go for the music artists. Models aren't used very often to grace the cover of fashion magazines anymore. For instance, take a giantess like Lily Cole, whose legs start at most people's chest level. Do you realise how much cropping and resizing would be needed just to fit her on the cover?

Therefore we have somebody human-sized like Alicia Keys as this month's cover girl for ELLE magazine. It's quite an interesting choice because Alicia isn't really known as a fashion icon. I don't know much about her personality but anyone thinks that you can't go formal without a fedora is all right by me. She also manages to radiate a sweet blissful ignorance in the face of extreme adversity:

Another thing that endears me to Alicia is her practical approach to wardrobe matters. I've often done the same thing myself when out shopping. If I find something that I couldn't positively live without, I end up buying it in several different colours. It could be a simple tank top or it could be a stretchy halter pantsuit with feather headdress in easy to match colours:


and black

You might think that it takes the fun out of building an effective wardrobe, and makes Alicia a boring dresser. But, to the contrary, it actually keeps people wondering. Wondering how many other colours something like this could come in:

Tuesday, April 26

Boxers, briefs and more

After the success of the Great Strides in Panties (Part 1 and Part 2) series, I can no longer step out of the house without being inundated for underwear advice. The guys in particular have been quite keen to find out how to update their crotchal styles.

You'd be surprised at how many guys are seeking to break the monotony of the daily groin. They've had it up to here (approximately crotch level) with the same old stuff. Most of them are decidedly sick of their MANties by now. Lace & bows, bows & roses....after a while, it all melds into a frilly mess cascading out of the underwear drawer.

Here's a brief rundown of the players in the men's underwear market today.
Butt For You
When one starts talking about regular and slimline pads, it brings to mind "that time of the month" when white pants don't get worn due to side leakage and so forth. However these terms are also relevant in the context of padded boxer briefs.

BFUs can magically supplant a bony ass without the need for butt implants. There are 2 pad sizes - Colt (suitable for light flow days if you are still thinking in menstrual terms) and Stallion (moderate to heavy flow days). You will see that Colt also appears to provide that extra bit of padding in the front.

Finally, BFUs can be worn for cycling, skiing, skating, and all other spectator sports where tight pants are the only reason to keep watching.

Let's get 2 things straight: (1) This is NOT your mother's pantyhose (2) This is not a pantyhose fetish website. Now we've got that sorted out, we can feel a lot more comfortable discussing this product.

Comfilon's Activskin is a sort of combined brief and sock that can be worn outside of ballet class. Don't be cheap. Stump up a few extra bucks and get one with a fly opening. They're smooth, a bit shiny and have that glidey massagey feel. Recommended for work even though the urge to stroke your legs all day long will result in some loss in productivity.

Words like "low motility" are strike fear in the heart of many men. Apparently one can reduce this risk by spending less time in the hot tub. Perhaps this explains why nobody ever gets pregnant at the Playboy Mansion.

What one wears is another important factor. To promote male fertility, the Germans have come up with sacfree underwear, the first boxerslip of the world. Why the Germans? It's mostly because virility has long been an admired trait in Germany, as demonstrated by David Hasselhoff's godlike status in that country.

The key features of sacfree underwear are comfort, liberty and sexiness. Sexy? Well if you like to buy your meat from the butchers half unwrapped. Ultimately it's all for a good cause and there is little scope to argue against such a resounding statement of finality:
For your testicles only the best.

Monday, April 25

Wedding Gown Challenge

Calling all lovely ex-brides, can you still fit into your wedding gown? When people ask me that question, I reply, well duh can Tobey Maguire still fit into his Spidey suit? Can movie physics overcome the unbearable tension forces that Tobey would exert while swinging from his web strands?

Damn right, post-marriage is a time to let yourself go. There are too many things to worry about like added expenditure, sharing the tv, husband starring in movie with Angelina Jolie and running off to Morocco with her.

Having said that, the Wedding Gown Challenge sounds like quite the fun thing to do. For starters, it could be a stark reminder of how there really is such a thing as too much tulle. Even if you're not in New York, you must rise, and encourage others to rise to the challenge. I hear that Victoria Beckham is planning to take part, provided she's got her weight down to reasonable level and the marriage contract is extended to August.

If your wedding gown used as much fabric as one of Aretha Franklin's gowns then you probably have nothing to worry about. Otherwise you might need to suck it up and get a kickass corset. They're quite popular these days you know, even the non-fetish ones.

Ah how I remember my first corset. It lifted the bust, improved posture and created a tiny waist that was the envy of the entire colony. I was never happier, right up until the time I passed out in the dusty street with my uterus lolling about somewhere between my lungs. Of course that was way back during the days of rigid social norms and slightly less desperate housewives. Nowadays they make corsets more natural looking.