Friday, December 9

Superhero Blind Items

1. Which silver haired steward to the crimefighting stars has a taste for expensive drugs and even more expensive hookers? Apparently when the master's away, the servant will play. He's known for throwing the most delightful cocaine-fuelled orgies at the mansion - at the last one, you could hear chandeliers rattling all the way in the caverns underneath!

2. This long-suffering superhero wife has got the cutest dimples but she's no goody two-shoes. Word on the street is that she's been having a swinging good time with someone other than her beau. Somebody who wears his underpants on the outside of his pants no less! It's only a matter of time before her husband sees through her web of deceit and he'll be as mad as a tiger when that happens!

3. He's a manly man mutant with no shortage of female admirers. But everyone knows he only has eyes for a psychic hottie who's already attached. Or so it would seem. At a drunken comic convention, Manly Man Mutant let slip that he'd actually really like to sink his claws into her boyfriend! Trouble is, the boyfriend is blind to his team member's affections so for now, Manly Man Mutant is just going to have to keep hiding in that unbreakable metal closet.

4. Which masked evildoer hell bent on world domination likes to be dominated himself? If you press a secret button in his research lab, it converts to a fully-stocked dungeon! He also has a robot dominatrix on hand to deliver him a good ole spanking everytime he's defeated by the good guys.

5. Having too many women in her household has made Bulletproof Bimbo a little desperate for male company. At clubs, she can usually be found rubbing up the nearest guy while wearing the skimpiest of outfits. Last week she picked up a random cocktail water and invited him back to her pad. So lusty was Bulletproof Bimbo that she decided to get things started in her private jet while it was still on the ground! What she didn't know was that she had left it on invisible mode, treating passersby to a fine view of her magic lasso.

6. Which mighty son of omnipotency refuses to leave the house without full makeup and his flowing blonde locks immaculately styled? He spends more time posing with his trademark weapon than throwing it. According to his colleagues he's also quite the famewhore - one time he refused to enter a burning building until the press showed up!

7. The Marvel Hotel won't be welcoming this behemoth superhero anytime back soon. Recently he was sent by his bosses to a 1-week anger management retreat. The all-expenses paid trip included a deluxe suite at the Marvel Hotel, one that would make you green with envy. Instead of attending the destress seminars, he spent his time gambling at the adjoining casino. But after getting into a losing streak, his rage got the better of him and he ended up destroying his suite and half the casino! No word on who will be footing the gigantic bill.

Blog to vote for: Ghost of a Flea is nominated as Best Culture/Gossip blog in The Weblog Awards.

Thursday, December 8

Two birds with one stone

Two things to note today. First, has a must-see feature on the Babes of the VIP Auto Fashion Show. The name of the event itself intrigues me because "fashion" doesn't come immediately to mind when you see lots of Asians with bad dye jobs. Second, I've only now turned my attention to this Take Five meme which asks all manner of invasive questions.

The bit that caught my eye was "Five things I would never wear", a very appropriate question in light of the aforementioned Auto Fashion. So, in no particular order:

Number 1

On a good day I might be persuaded to pour myself into a corset top and dole out beer & nuts like a tavern wench of yesteryore. But I could never bring myself to wear a gold lame midriff baring top because auditioning for Solid Gold was never on the cards for me.

Number 2

I think that wearing a wristband made of the same fabric as your clothing is kind of tacky which is why you would never see me committing that faux pas. The little red and black belt is fine though, because I have lots of pants that would go with that.

Number 3

Call me picky, but I have strict policy on when and where I wear sequins, and how much proportion of an outfit they cover. To summarise: (1) never in the daytime (2) never on my private parts and (3) no more than 20%.

Number 4

While deep scoop-necked dresses are sexy beyond belief, I would never think of wearing flesh coloured tennis balls under them.

Number 5

Now don't get me wrong here. If I'm at an event which is likely to be attended by men who can afford expensive cars, you bet I'm going to put myself out there, even if it means wearing fishnet gloves with finger cut-offs and panties over my stockings. The ultra high platform boots though are a definite no-no because the only time guys like looking up at women is when they have a pole between their legs.

Blog to vote for: Beautiful Atrocities is nominated as Best Humor/Comics blog in The Weblog Awards.

Wednesday, December 7

Startling new fashion collaborations

What a cold snap we're having lately! It's good to see Elmo branching out into winterwear as well. Unfortunately for you, I must now do something which I've been dreading it all year. I've tried to ignore them for some time but furry boots show no signs of abating. This season, there's even been a number of startling new collaborations - designer names hooking up with names you thought you left behind in your childhood.

Fozzie Bear & Dior

Fozzie's the funniest bear there ever was and Galliano is the craziest designer out there at the moment. Put them together and as you can see it's a match made in heaven.

My Neighbour Totoro & Kate Spade

Totoro will always have Miyazaki to thank for making him a star but it's time to leave that innocent optimistic world for the jaded cynicism of New York. Once he loses some, no make that a lot, of weight he'll be the toast of the town.

Animal from the Muppets &

This is not so much a collaboration as Animal coming in and taking over the whole creative process. What he lacks in imagination, he makes up for in shaggy voluminosity.

Wile E. Coyote & Ralph Lauren

This project will allow Wile E. Coyote to segue into a more rewarding career. He can't be shilling for Acme products forever and frankly he's getting too old for that falling over a cliff and anvil crashing kind of stuff. Besides, his boots look way more expressive in fashion shoots than Penelope Cruz ever did.

Miffy & Jimmy Choo

Miffy's starting to tire of playing at being perpetually four or five or whatever age she's meant to be. This collaboration with Jimmy Choo is her attempt to appeal to a more adult market. She was so impressed with the embroidery design that she plans to have the same thing stitched on her. Look for her new storybook Tribal Tattoo Time with Miffy.

Chester the Cheetah & Stuart Weitzman

Chester the Cheetah agreed to do this on the basis that the result wouldn't be "dangerously cheesy". I really hope he got that in writing.

Blog to vote for: Manolo's Shoe Blog is nominated as Best Culture/Gossip blog in The Weblog Awards.

Tuesday, December 6

Making your relationship work

Guys, I'm not going to sugarcoat it for you. A relationship is bloody hard work. You can shock the world with a surprise beach wedding one day and four months later, she turns around and files an annulment, citing fraud. You can marry Aaron Spelling's little girl in a lavish wedding and after one year you're both divorcing and she's carrying a married man's baby. Or you could impregnate one of the world's biggest pop stars and suddenly find your Ferrari being towed away.

Where did it all go wrong? Why can't she understand how difficult it is to remember which child you fathered with whom? Unfortunately the onus is on you to make your relationship work. Women don't need that sort of obligation when they've got other things to deal with like shopping and errant gossip. Because I don't want your relationships to go the way that so many celebrities' have, here are the tools you need for everlasting love.

Save My Ass provides "regular but some-random" (similar to my menstruation cycle) flower deliveries to your loved one. It saves you having to call up the bleeping florist before getting the hotel room. Flowers are the panacea for all types of fights, from the loud tearful ones to the little ones that result in you not speaking to each other for days. Flowers make everything better.

How else do you think this relationship survived a phone-tapping scandal and a dead princess?

For the times when your penis feels the need to come in contact with some other woman's vagina. When confronted with your normal lover's suspicions, deny deny deny. Nothing happened on the set of Mr & Mrs Smith. Wave your hands angrily around to distract her while your floozy escapes out of the back door. Then produce a convincing excuse that will cow her into submission. I was just teaching Maddox to ride a bike. Using his mother as the bike.

Fake alibi exhorts you to stop juggling your balls by providing all kinds of cover for your debauched trysts. Fake meetings, hotel books and telephone appointments, they do it all as well as making purchases for you. I wouldn't be surprised even if they cleaned up after you.

Blog to vote for: Conversations with Famous People is nominated as Best Culture/Gossip blog in The Weblog Awards

Monday, December 5

Fashion Roadkill of the Day: Vol 42

Many people think that Hong Kong's obssession with Louis Vuitton is just another product of the rampant materialism and pathetic hunger for prestige that is so prevalent in a consumerist wealth-driven society. I don't think so. It's all about being practical and picking a brand that works well with anything your closet throws up during a hurried morning routine.

Local followers of fashion tend to agree that Louis Vuitton is probably the most versatile brand out there, more versatile than say Dior, which can only worn with the like.

The Murakami cherry blossom print, for example, nicely offsets the bruisey effect created by teal blue over sparkly purple tights.

The Damier Canvas, when teamed with a vest that only a well-meaning but extremely disturbed relative could make, gives you something to vomit in when you catch sight of yourself in the mirror. It just wouldn't make sense to throw up all over a vest when someone obviously got there before you.

Casual days at the ranch call for the sturdiness of the Monogram Denim. Load up on wild oats and you'll have the horses eating right out of your pockets in no time!

My personal favourite is the Classic Monogram. It adds an understated touch of luxury to any kind of look. As those rolls of flesh will attest, it is definitely more subtle than a strenuous exercise regime or aggressive liposuction.

So in conclusion we, the Louis-Vuitton loving crowd, aren't as shallow as you would think. It is all just a matter of taste.