Saturday, October 1

China National Day

Break out the champagne and pour it lasciviously down your creamy thighs, it's China National Day! Happy Birthday my dear, commucapitalism has never looked better! Let's kick off Golden Week with a retrospective look at the Little Blonde Book.

Friday, September 30

A watch for every occasion

With Lil Kim now in jail , it's up to us to make sure she remains a viable entity during her year-long incarceration. Yes, you can buy her new album but the lyrics are all angrylike and don't offer up an explanation for her extensive plastic surgery. Another way we can keep her empire strong is to buy her Royalty by Lil Kim ( watches. That way, every time we look at the watch we can imagine what she is doing in prison. If it's 3pm, she must be punching a little stink ass bitch in the mouth. 6pm, sipping Cristal while all dem nasty hos are sucking it up in the prison cafeteria.

It behooves me to say that the official website is more tasteful than I could have ever imagined. I can't believe I'm typing these words but the Queen Bee is clothed in all the right places and her legs are closed. As for the watch, by jove, it's actually wearable!

The watches were designed in collaboration with Jacob the Jeweler, the people who brought you the Playboy watch.

The cost is approximately 20 lovemaking sessions with the sugar daddy of your choice. If you look closely you will see four mini sperm figures on the watch face, which is the same amount that Hugh Hefner has left in him.

Personally I prefer my accessories without all the spackle and the nipple guards. There are times when I just want to sit quietly by the window, shed a few nostalgic tears and write the songs of love and special things. For these occasions, there can be only one timepiece.

From the Barry Manilow Official Merchandise Store.

Another blog to visit: The Slinky Cat Speaks - Stalking and occasionally maiming life's sacred cows in the urban jungle.

Thursday, September 29

I am the Senate!

Ben Affleck as a devious, corrupt, manipulative politician who will not hesitate to employ the most treacherous means at his disposal in his ruthless pursuit of power? Yeah I can totally see it.

HK Shopping News

To address an apparent dearth of shopping in Hong Kong, there has been a recent frenzy of new stores. I swear, everywhere I turn, there seems to be another one of those "concept" or "flagship" boutiques right there sniffing up my ass. Prada to the left! Ferragamo to the right! Many others are "under refurbishment" in order to become bigger (more space for the menfolk to sit) and better (more expensive ambient mood & sound).

The other day I took the long way to work through the newly opened Harvey Nichols. Unfortunately, the experience was more disappointing than the possibility that Jake Gyllenhaal might not bat for your team.

For starters there was an inordinate amount of Versace which made it look like Auric Goldfinger had, well, fingered everything in the store. There was very little that you can't find elsewhere in Hong Kong unless you count this oversized yeti bag from Pontine Paus:

Although it was indeed "the latest style" and "European", words that make rich HK housewives wet their La Perla underwear en masse, it really wasn't my style. To their credit the staff was very helpful and recommended some D&G boots instead.

There are more shoes to be found in the new Roger Vivier boutique at the Landmark. The footwear is superbly crafted but not meant for people who take public transport. Vivier is credited with inventing the stiletto and if you're in the market for a silk-satin knee boot embellished with crystals and whatnot, then he's your man.

I would also like to alert you to what's happening in the Tsim Sha Tsui shopping district. There will be a new Sogo department store opening this weekend. It is situated near the HK Cultural Centre, HK Space Museum and HK Museum of Art, adding to the rich variety of culture and art in that area. The Hyatt Regency hotel on Nathan Road will also close in January 2006 to make way for a new shopping mall. I suspect they want to transform that strip into something classier so that when you walk along it, you will be accosted by people wanting to hawk their exclusive Patek Philippe tourbillon watches and by Italian and English tailors pimping their bespoke suits.

And finally, though our Lord has been vengeful and smote-happy in the past, and he taketh away most of the affordable eateries in the CBD, every once in a while he will also answer your prayers in the most delightful way. Be still, my beating heart.

Another blog to visit: The Fash Mag Slag - The musings and observations of a gay boy living in New York City. Often imitated, never duplicated. Mmm hmm, dat's right

Wednesday, September 28

The Bruce Willis Seal of Approval

Update: Remember my previous post about nail "art"? It's a craze that's sweeping the world! How do these people open a can of beer?!?

Say hello to Zhao Ting Ting who will be representing China at this year's Miss World competition. Although her distinct lack of rackage may lose her points in the swimsuit section, let's hope that she can win the judges over with a knockout pair of personalities!

OK now I'm starting to get a little worried about her chances. Who judged this thing anyway? Pageant lore dictates that such an important task can not be entrusted to a bunch of rank amateurs. If you can't get a daytime soap star on the panel do as the Romans do and call upon the discerning eye of Bruce Willis! You can practically see all the good taste radiating from his bald pate.

Now there's a man who knows a thing or two about women. Let's not forget he was married for several years to the seemingly ageless Demi Moore, who as you may well know just recently wed Ashton Kuchter in an intimate ceremony where the groom wore white.

Bruce has also been linked to many other attractive women like Brooke Burns whose beauty mesmerises those around her.

He certainly takes his job seriously, adopting the same meticulous approach as he does with his acting. Damn sash is trickier than drilling an 800ft hole into an asteroid, planting a nuclear explosive in the aforementioned hole and detonating it!

If only every beauty pageant had such high standards. I can really see a bigger, more influential role for Bruce to play in this area, travelling around the world asking challenging interview questions and giving his seal of approval to aspiring law students with legs up to their armpits. A sort of Hudson Hawk with lots of teased hair and bleached smiles if you will.

He could start by raising the credibility of these prison pageants that crop up with bizarre frequency. For a man who has saved the world numerous times, overcoming not one but TWO Grubers in the process, the Buen Pastor medium-security female prison in Bogota should be no sweat. Yippi-ki-yay indeed.

Another blog to visit: Kawaii k-nitting - Shopping and Knitting, what more could there be?

Tuesday, September 27

Romancing the dog

Once you start putting dogs in clothes, there really is no turning back. They start getting ideas about their place in society and get all demanding on their owners. They need to get their hair and nails done regularly, they only eat in restaurants with decent wine lists, they want to....woo each other. Good golly it's like that woman's suffrage movement all over again. Here's what it takes for your pet to get laid these days.

It's not a six-star resort but it is the only Pet Love Motel of its kind and it's located in Sao Paulo, Brazil which is kind of exotic for a dog who doesn't spend its holidays deep sea diving in the Mozambican archipelago.

You will see that this love motel does not skimp on in-room features (trust me I know about these things) - air-conditioning, a paw-print decorative motif, ceiling mirror, fancy headboard, an endless loop of "Puppy Love" playing in the background and movie options including an X-rated version of Lady and Tramp where they do much more than share a strand of spaghetti.

At about US$40 for two hours, it's a small price to pay for introducing a little romance into your pet's life. Add to that a dog with an apian fetish and those two hours will be well spent. Please note that the lack of vending machines in the establishment means that you will have to provide your own meat-scented condoms (if and when they become available again).

Monday, September 26

Fashion Roadkill of the Day: Vol 38

It's about time the runway caught up with the latest colour trend. You don't know how long I've been clamouring for a return to orange, a more vibrant and "high risk of terrorist attacks" hue. You can call it burnt sienna, tangerine, pumpkin or ochre, whatever, it's all good. Especially when you team it with a Gucci monogram handbag and classic bubble tea.

No longer the exclusive province of road workers, it has cleverly made its way into the corporate wardrobe. Get noticed at work and become the object of ridicule!

Of course it's also a great colour for those citrus casual days.

If you're in doubt about what colour you should be wildly enthusing about in social conversation, do as I do and take a walk through the streets. Often the answer will be right there staring you in the face.