Saturday, August 28

Fashion Roadkill of the Day: Vol 6

It's people like this who provide fodder for Chinese offensive t shirts which have slogans like "How many whites can make a wong"? He looks like the type who you see at the gym carefully covering a hairdryer with his underpants and intensely swirling the hairdryer for several minutes to achieve that special toasty warmth. All the while, he's singing softly to himself, I Want It That Way. So what if Justin Timberlake doesn't want to make a new album with his *LIPSYNC bandmates? This guy is good to go!

Oh and by the way, you know what type of people also like to wear all white? Freaks.

Friday, August 27

Salute the Hirsute

With all the internet sites devoted to hairy guys, you'd think that the fashion world would declare hirsute as the new black. But alas, it's all about the hairless male models and even movie Wolverine had to undergo some backhair waxing. Fear not because I have found several sites that will accommodate your hairy fetishes.

In recent weeks, there has been quite a bit of publicity surrounding a very hairy guy in China called Hairy Child (Maohai). He's had some celebrity success in China and even has an official website but I think his career would really take off if they got him to star in a new Monkey Magic tv series. I felt really bad when I read about all his health problems stemming from his condition. But then I cheered up slightly when I found out that he has a girlfriend and that his palms aren't hairy. In this respect Maohai is doing better than totally hairless Tom "I love women" Cruise who recently decided to show the world how lonely he was in a Rolling Stone pictorial. For some other Asian men however, growing a simple mustache is such a challenge that they need to start up their own 2004 Asian Mustache Olympics (start from the bottom and scroll up).

When God created man, he thought it would fun if some of them got an extra helping of backhair. Those who have received this special gift deal with it in different ways - some show it off by wearing tank tops while others see it as a furry albatross on their back that needs to be sheared regularly. If this sort of thing turns you on, cough*freak*cough, you'll enjoy visiting

Monobrows tend to be regarded unfavourably because they are associated with a lack of trustworthiness and a general inability to evolve properly. Nevertheless, is the place where mono bros celebrate the unity of their eyebrows.

As this is an equal opportunity blog, I've decided to give a shoutout to the follically-challenged as well. When your hairline starts receding faster than guests leaving a Chinese wedding once dessert has been served, you're going to have to make some tough decisions. Do you embrace the baldness or ingeniously wrap the remaining strands of hair around your head. As shows, this sort of thing is an acquired skill that money can't buy. Even a rich man needs to start off as an apprentice in the craft of the combover.

While most women (and I use this term loosely) have different body and facial hair concerns from men, hair removal is an important part of the beauty routine. Good crotch topiarists are often booked out for weeks in advance, whether it's for a simple bikini wax or for a Brazilian which involves tidying up the whole basement. The whole process is about as enjoyable as getting the rug pulled out from under you but plenty of women continue to subject themselves to the pain. Why? Because it stops self-appointed crotch researchers from trying to decipher their personality type.

Thursday, August 26

Hong Kong Popstuds

Remember the Talking Toonie handsfree mobile set I was going on about? So-net is quitting Asia but it's going out with a bang by selling off their cache of similarly-styled Bon Bonn toys. Choose from 6 weirdly named characters. The manufacturers seem to have it in for the tortoise - not only have they gone great lengths to make it look mildly retarded, but they also call it Dum Dumm. Anyway they talk, they shake their heads, what more could you ask for?

Now onto our regular snarkfest. Much has been written about the flamboyant costumes that Hong Kong popstars wear when they are performing in concerts but I don't think your eyes can ever prepared for such a spectacle. The male performers, in particular, make Cher look like a priggish Sunday schoolteacher. Just see for yourselves (click on the pictures to enlarge them).

Oh my god, a mutant mainland tourist is on the loose. Just give him all your gold jewellery and run for your lives! Watch out for his gigantic spit globules, they're acidic!

He might be getting on in years and his costume might be made out of a PVC trolley bag but he's only the person that Hong Kong can rely on to fight for truth and justice the American way.

These guys are really angry because they've just been told that due to poor ticket sales, the budget for sequins and fairy wings has been reduced.

Quick, to the Batcave! It's THE underground club of the moment. And it's mens only tonight. Whoo, I am so there!

I can't believe Ang Lee rejected me for Brokeback Mountain. Now I'm stuck here with Kelly Chen when I could be making out with Heath Ledger or Jake Gyllenhaal.

I inherited my grandmother's wardrobe and her talent for accessorising. However my love for pearl necklaces is entirely my own.

You can't stop the music, unfortunately nobody can't stop the music. Damn these pants are tight. I wish George Michael was here to help me out of them.

All blinged out and nowhere to go. Pimpdaddy better be raising the red lantern outside my house tonight or there will be hell to pay.

Wow, that was campier than a million rows of tents. I'd go to a Cantopop concert if I had a chance but then I'd have to pay money. And hear them sing.

Wednesday, August 25

These boots are made for puking

Ugg boots may finally be on their way out. Happier words have never been typed on my keyboard. However with every ray of sunshine, comes a little rain. Or in this case a freaking deluge.

It started off with the Moon Boots which are some kind of hybrid ski and space boots. I can't believe we let our astronauts rock up to another planet dressed up like they're going to a retro rave party. As I dug further into the whole sordid affair, I discovered that, dude, like not all moon boots are really moon boots y'know? You can follow the discussion here. Marc Jacobs has even designed moonboots that cost twice the normal price and people are actually buying them because he is Marc Jacobs. They could change the name of the tv series "Everybody loves Raymond" to "Everybody loves Marc Jacobs" and nobody would mind.

Great Spirit, Maker of All Life. A warrior goes to you swift and straight as an arrow shot into the sun. Welcome him and let him take his place at the council fire of my people. He is Uncas, my son. Tell them to be patient and ask death for speed; for they are all there but one - I, Chingachgook - Last of the Mohicans.
If he was alive today, poor guy would probably die of sticker shock when he sees that these suede moccasins lined with rabbit fur cost US$242. Wearing these will bring out your hunting instinct. It's a pity there aren't any raccoons or deer to hunt in the cities but what about those pesky little dogs in designer carriers. A chihuahua or mushu cap will go well with your shoes - nobody will hear you coming as you pad softly yet stylishly down the street and make a quick getaway in your illegally parked Hummer.

Not content with pillaging Native American culture, shoe designers have decided to screw over the Inuits as well. These boots are called mukluks, derived from the sound of you choking on your hot coffee when you first see them. They're only cool because Gwyneth bloody Paltrow and Kate bloody Hudson think that unshaven rabbit balls hanging down the side of their boots are cool.

Unfortunately the makers of Ugg will not go away quietly. Realising that they cannot win in the boot department, they have just decided to make everything else in Ugg. The light I thought at the end of tunnel was an oncoming train making an express delivery of ugg handbags, ugg ponchos, ugg hoodies and ugg mini skirts. Their next project involves draping the entire North American coastline in ugg, in the style of Christo. I really hope that Hong Kong doesn't end up covered in a plethora of ugg. Once they breach the coast of Japan, our defences will be useless.

Tuesday, August 24

One Style Fits All

The weapons race is no doubt a scary thing but it pales in comparison to the designer denim race. As you read this, there's a woman somewhere in the world who is trying to squeeze herself into a pair of designer jeans that are a few sizes too small while a sales assistant looks on with a fake encouraging smile. With all the effort and grunting involved, it's like the birthing process done backward really.

It's totally fine if you want to spend some money to make the bottom half of your body look good. But then there are people who constantly namedrop the brand of jeans they are wearing or are planning to wear. Telling me how many pairs of Sevens jeans you own isn't going to make me genuflect at your feet. It will, however, suddenly make it difficult for me to tell your face and your ass apart.

All it takes is one celebrity to be seen wearing a pair and soon consumers will be practically worshipping them - no wonder some of the brands have names like Sacred Blue, True Religion and Blue Cult. I'm not even going to bother to try and list all the "it" jeans because there's a new hot brand born every minute. Just go to online shopping sites like shopbop or revolveclothing and you'll find enough denim to transform a third world country into a nation of rugged rock and rollers.

Each designer brand of jeans promises to lift your butt, lengthen your legs, enhance your curves and generally make people want to get you out of those jeans as soon as possible. What will they think of next, jeans that reduce cellulite? Oh wait, they already have. Getting rid of unsightly orange peel skin is as simple as creaming your pants! This is proof that jeans designers have run out of ideas because there is so much hand-distressing and fancy stitching that can be done before the jeans-wearing crowd on the street just morph into a walking faded blue mess.

The makers of Levis, the original jeans that begat all jeans, know this so they've decided to throw all pretensions out the window and return to basics. During the Colombia Moda fashion show last week, Levis revealed the future of denim - no frills jeans for everyone without having to fuss about annoying details like bootcut, flare or slimfit.

The sound you hear is Levi Strauss rolling in his grave but pay no attention to it. As any young hipster scenester type will tell you, it's hottt.

Monday, August 23

You Like, You Buy Vol 2

I don't care if you have all of the designer iPod cases ever unleashed onto the market, and that you switch them as often as I change my underwear (which is quite often in case you were wondering). I don't even care if you have an iPod Juke Box. When will people learn that an iPod is not a fashion accessory, it's just something you either have or you don't. Like congenital herpes.

If you're looking to make a true fashion statement with electronic gadgets, head over the Fancy Logic online store which is based in Hong Kong. The cool gadgets section has a number of stress-relieving gadgets like a solar-powered head-bobbing thing which also acts as a business cardholder. In times of stress, you are supposed to look at its constantly swaying head and become hypnotised into a state of relaxation. It remains an oasis of calm amidst the daily frenzy of work - happily swaying as you field belligerent phone callers, swaying as your inbox fills up with red-flagged emails, and swaying as you drift in and out of consciousness over your desk at midnight.

However the main drawcard here is not the desk gadget of Crazy Calm but a webcam which is shaped like foul-mouthed Kenny from South Park and comes with costumes. Fancylogic even takes the effort to classify the webcams according to grades of humour - funny, very funny and hilarious. The wedding set is an excellent gift for newlyweds who want to broadcast the consummation of their marriage over the internet.

Even cuter is the Mexican outfit which caused Gizmodo to declare tiny sombreros as the future of consumer electronics. You heard it here second. On the technical side Kenny Amigo has received a favourable review so what are you waiting for? Put Kenny Amigo on your computer, rev up a Viva El Mariachi CD, knock back some tequilas and make a night of it.

Sunday, August 22

Faster, Lower, Stronger

Who would have thought that an Olympic medallist like Michael Phelps would be taking fashion tips from the likes of Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. Not content with barely covering the disease-ridden nether regions of A-Z list skanks, low-riding bottoms have managed to infiltrate the ranks of elite male swimmers. It's suddenly made competitive swimming even raunchier than the Bubble Baba Challenge. If Michael's swimming pants were any lower, the following sentences would take on a whole new meaning.

Michael Phelps springs up excitedly.

Michael Phelps gasps for air.

Michael Phelps flashes a smile.

Michael Phelps adjusts his goggles.

Michael Phelps pumps away furiously.

Michael Phelps stands up and waves to the crowd.

Michael Phelps does some vigorous stretching.

Surrounded by other winning team members, Michael Phelps explodes with joy.

And I'm spent.