Fashion Roadkill of the Day: Vol 3

Today's Fashion Roadkill was brought to you by the letters D,U,M and B. I'm as much of a Sesame Street fan as anyone else and in fact I've been meaning to get a "Me Want Cookie" t-shirt but that still doesn't make me want to walk around with a huge imprint of Ernie on my butt. It's not even centred properly, but hang on if it was...that would mean innocent, lovable Ernie's face would be...no, don't even think about it!! It must be a prank played by an evil genius (masquerading as a child) who got hold of a giant Sesame Street rubber stamp and an equally giant inkpad. This is what happens when toys land in the wrong hands, people!

Raising Alice Kim

No, it's not another remake of the Blues Brothers, it's Nic Cage and his new bride Alice Kim on their wedding day. It may be hip nowadays to keep your shirttail untucked but nobody wants to see a slobby groom. Furthermore, you'd think with his cousin being Sofia Coppola (who is best buddies with designer Marc Jacobs) he'd try to work that angle and get Alice a decent gown, not one that has been hastily rigged together from hotel linen.

After the ceremony, they consummated their marriage by flying to San Francisco to buy Cartier jewellery. As they boarded the plane, Alice revealed more questionable taste by wearing red stilettoes with her wedding gown and carrying a Gucci grandma's wallpaper bag. Meanwhile Nic appeared to struggle with a box which I'm guessing contained the top layer of the wedding cake.

Since then, Alice has been proudly wearing her new ring on her French manicured hand. In case you were wondering, the ring is from Cartier's Chinese-inspired Padlock Collection. The design is meant to lock in happiness and keep out bad luck but I think it's going to take something more than a fancy shaped ring to maintain the Twue Wove! in this marriage. Something like several little Cage-Kims popped out in quick succession.

The pave diamonds are OK for a wedding band but if Daddy Cage was buying, I would be getting one of these or these, so big that they could block out the sun. Or maybe Nic did restrict the jewellery spending which is why Alice is pouting here like a little girl who has to wait until Christmas for more baubly toys.

They are an odd couple aren't they. Here she is, again with the Gucci bag, taking a good look at his face (maybe even for the first time) and thinking, "In this light, he looks only 15 years older than me instead of 20 years". The papers make way too much of a big deal about her being a penniless waitress though. What do they expect - have they seen what sort of crappy tips that waitstaff get these days?

Pre-Teen Queens

How creepy is this Japan Beautiful Girl Contest held by Oscar Promotion, Japan's biggest entertainment agency. By putting them in identical hospital smocks, they look like something out of Village of the Damned.

What's even creepier is that the 12 year old winner isn't even a teenager yet and one of the runners-up is only 10 years old (she's the one that's about the same size as the trophy). Those 15 year old hags never had a chance. I have some questions for the moppets' parents:
1. Do you know who Jon Benet Ramsay was?
2. Have you read Lolita?

As you can see Kurumi is so overwhelmed by her win that she's doing the mandatory V sign but her fingers are pointing inwards at herself. Yes Kurumi, from now on it's all about you you you. I'm not familiar with the inner workings of the Japanese entertainment industry but if it's anything like Hollywood, then take your wide-eyed stare and run far far away little girl because rehab is no fun.

Put them away please

There have been several murmurings in fashion news about the return of modesty after a very long spell of skin-baring outfits. This is fine by me, because I don't really need to be subjected to a gynaecological examination each time someone in a micro-mini sits down opposite me on the train. Nor do I need to know that someone in a top which is cut down to their waist is either: (a) rapidly losing the battle against gravity or (b) flaunting a disconcerting amount of sternum in place of cleavage. And what about those low-riding pants which display more crack than the San Andreas Fault.

So it's time to cover up a little and not have various body parts hanging out like condos for rent. However it seems that some people haven't got that memo yet. At the G-Phoria Award Show 4 Gamers, Anna Nicole Smith decided to feign her own wardrobe malfunction. For the love of God, woman put those things away. Those implants look so hard that you could put a man's head between them and crack it open like a walnut. Which is probably what happened to her late oil tycoon husband.

Meanwhile, Lil' Kim decided to celebrate her birthday by literally wearing her birthday outfit. I believe the look she was going for was "a skank wrapped in a slut shrouded in a tramp and surmounted by a hooker".

Wanted: Overpriced Sparkly Jeans

Germany doesn't really have any fashion capitals to speak of but I didn't know they were that far behind. If you have a pair of grossly embroidered pants or jeans from Gucci's Spring/Summer 1999 collection, German socialite Petra Hirtzel is prepared to pay the retail price of $8000 plus a reward of 1000 Euros. Wow 1999, what a different world we lived in then. That was when pashminas and micro-scooters were everywhere (sometimes even on the same person).

I'm sure someone in Hong Kong has bought a pair. After all tacky denim is part of the Tasteless Tai Tai (TTT) uniform. As long as it's tight and sparkly, she will wear it to mahjong and dancing. Pearls, rhinestones, crystals, beads, barnacles, the more crap encrusted on the jeans the better.

I even found a photo or two to aid recognition while you're digging around the back of your closet, your domestic helper's closet or the Oxfam Shop. She might be stuck in a time warp but good on Petra for not adopting the "I have a pair of Seven Jeans therefore I must be in the denim elite even though 85% of women in LA have the same pair" mentality.

Cosplay couture

Love your work darlings! The Hong Kong comics festival featured more flamboyant costumes than a Galliano couture show.

There was barely any room to swing a token anime critter, hence the bad pictures as I was jostling for space with hordes of enthusiastic fanboys (who may have been hoping to find a Chinese schoolgirl with Caucasian features and the body of a Swimsuit Illustrated model). Click on thumbnails for bigger photos. No fan service though. Thank god there was no Man Faye wannabe either.