Monday, February 27

How to prevent unwanted house guests

Having a zoo in your town means that you live in constant fear that a resident gorilla will break out and make a beeline for your home. It's not as if you need another house guest who leaves the toilet seat up or drinks straight out of the carton. Gorillas also have the potential to grow to an unmanageable size. Even bigger than a tall building. Even bigger than Adrien Brody's nose.

At least one zoo in Japan has had the foresight to prepare for this gorilla home invasion threat. By putting a man in a gorilla suit, they are already streaks ahead of everyone else.

Upon encountering an errant silverback, the first thing to do is to erect a dodgeball net around it. This will unnerve it slightly as it works out its strategy on how to be the last primate standing. Watch out for those opposable thumbs - if it gets in possession of the ball, it's game over.

Once you have managed to knock it down with a good hard throw towards its head, it's time to bring in the ape whisperer. His job is to lull the dazed monkey into submission with gentle renditions of the Banana Boat song.

Then only thing left to do is to wrap the very relaxed gorilla up and truss it unceremoniously in the back of a truck. When it wakes up, it will be back in its rightful home and think it was all just an extremely vivid dream.

Unfortunately this is all I have time for this week but tune in next week when I will expound on how to use a dog to keep your kitchen floor sparkling clean. Until then, thinking of the man in the gorilla suit, of you and of everyone held captive in the bastardry of work.